Death Valley just had multiple orgasms. SO many trees and flowers are blooming in Clifton and everyone is on the streets soaking up the sun. There's a Ballywood party at Sitwell's tommorow night that I'm pretty excited about. Should be a lot of fun, Lisa told me that I have no idea what's about to go down in this small coffeeshop. Dancing and drinking and Indian costumes. I'm wearing a silk shirt.

you look like a serial code
waiting to be sold
I put funk in the flow
you see dollar signs
when I say hello
You are the target market audience
for this by-product
of my frequency
but what I have is free
can't you fucking see
that we are not for sale
we will not dance
when you play your music
and we will stand
when you offer the seat

THe sun tempts me away from the things I need to do. write write read wait for laundry. Sometimes I walk past Laundromats and think about my mom. Sometimes going to do laundry was the highlight of my week-end with her. Get out of the house, whichever one we were living in at the time, and I would get a coke. I think the best moments of my entire life that I've had with my mom have been in cars. I remember a time when she would turn down a road just to see where it goes (even though I'm sure she knew where most of them would end up I didn't) and it was so exciting to do something out of the ordinary. She hasn't told me anything interesting in years. A few years ago we had an amazingly honest conversation about living and learning and pot of all things. I was there for an hour before I wanted to leave. Her husband is such a fuck. I have no tolerance for fascists and he's SS material. She bends to his will and he loves it. He is in control and nothing will change that. THat's fine though, they can have that life and I will know that I will never be like that.
I have very little respect for my mother. I feel like she has made choices in her life that forced her into this box in the middle of a cornfield. SHe should be dancing in fields of daisys laughing at the sun. I don't see how she could be happy. I will never understand why she is where she is but I want to think that she's convinced herself she's happy.

I wrote to David Duchovny today about his upcoming movie House of D.

David...
when kids in france go down the slide do they go "Ouiiii" I got kicked out of my high school french class for that joke.
If I could ask a question, I was wondering what sort of haggling goes on when you are looking for a script, or do people just pitch screenplays to you? How does that process work and how hard is it to get a screenplay to you. I'm not a screenplay writer but I won't rule it out in my future. I just started my first novel. It's called 'the river test' and the metaphor behind it is that every river has a current no matter how subtle or turbulent. The character is the river and he is searching for his own motivation.
As an actor I'm sure you've heard that (or even asked yourself) what is the motivation behind this line or scene or gesture with your face. In Life We can learn a lot about human behavior by stepping out of ourselves for awhile. I'm very interested in being able to recognise the next step before it happens.
I enjoyed the audio blog I think some people were confused as to how you did that. You just use your cell-phone wherever you are and call a number that records your voice to this blog. I would like to know how your trip to Seattle is going. I hope you're having fun man!



Sunday I talked to Stephanie and broke things with her off. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it. Not much more of an explanation in nescessary.

I met M. after work last night and we walked around the gaslight looking at windows and in windows. We talked about dreams and things we care about. We went to her apartment and read eachother some of our writing. 'Honey drizzles down my back' that's fucking hot. We went to the studio because I was going to play music with Graham but no-one was there. I pulled out the ol guitar and sang a few of my songs. It's been so long since I've done that. I really enjoyed it and I think she appreciated my playing.
She told me that she was in a similar situation as I with this guy she knows well. I guess he's been interested in her for some time but has not made the choice to pursue it or he's just scared. Anyway she had a talk with him and let him know that she's going to focus her attention elsewhere.
After the studio I had her drop me off and I felt so alive. I was in such a great mood that I tried to remember when the last time I felt so good. I think it was before the election.
I'm off to work soon and my feet hurt so bad. I really need to take better care of my dogs. My grandfathers shoes were meant for an evening out on the town not hours on a kitchen floor. My boots are at the studio and there's no way I'm walking up there before work.

Life Love Liquid

I struggled through most of the day. I helped in the hotshop for awhile and then Graham and I went to Dave's. We had some pasta that was delicious and played some guitar. I called M. and she said that she was thinking about going to a party on Ohio. We sat around at Dave's and watched a couple movies until Matt calls. He says that there's a party on Ohio and we should show up. I'll bet that she was there about 4 hours before I showed up. I really wasn't feeling it today though. Graham got wasted so I drove him home and walked to Gina's where I had to wake Nick up to let me in. Now it's just me and Billie Holliday. I've always got Billie right?

blues

Last night the trio Nick Graham and I went downtown to Final friday only to find out that it's next friday. silly us. We ended up dropping Nick off and going to a party on Stratford. Talked with this girl about making out for awhile and did not make out with her. People just kept handing me things to drink and I drank. I was surprised at how drunk I actually got. Gina is out of town so Nick and I are going to be crashing there. There's a laundry there so I can wash my clothes... YES!! I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I've ever had. I was drunk when I woke up and I thought I was going to vomit out all my guts. reminded me of waking up in OB after the bar-b-que with the Brazilions.

Working at Sitwells is going great. I'm there half of the time anyway so it's awesome that I get payed for it now. Lisa is having this Baliwood movie thing Friday night and I'm hopefully going to procure the lcd projector from the studio so we can watch the movie from inside or outside. She was going to have to pay 300 bucks to rent one so I'm sure I'll get payed for setting it up. I'm so poor right now. Anyone interested in my kidneys? They are slightly used.

I'm conflicted by two women. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings for the possibility of something else. I don't know how remote that possibility is. I touched my toes the other night for the first time in years. That's healthy. The difference is this: with S. it's safe and easy and I don't really have to think. with M. I can feel the stretch and it's exciting and interesting. So what's the problem you might ask... S. is really into me and I don't know what to tell her. The whole we should be friends thing just fucking hurts it's so lame. She's been in Florida the past week and she gets back tonight. I'm supposed to hang out with her tommorow so I'll talk to her then. I feel bad because I've been interested in M. for awhile but I wasn't sure if it would evolve. Now I want it to.

cave dance

planet

storm

native

grr

I'm drunk again
riding in fast cars to uncertain destinations
I'm waiting to feel your creations
through context connections
fuck this uncertain existance
in limbo between purpose and individuality
I hear distant voices screaming rape
of our freedoms
the commercial humdrums
such bums
of life and love free
feelings for
forgotten past failures
I'm tired of not knowing
what can't be known
about you and me
and how we see
what there is to be
beating myself with
mental exposure
too long
in the waiting

I spent two days straight reading this book on a particular pyschodelic chemical DMT. "DMT: The SPirit Maolecule" by Dr. Rick Straussman explains what DMT is, does and is theorized to be. All life on Earth contains the molecule DMT. THis very hallucinagenic substance is made by our bodies in the pineal gland. DMT is released at high levels in our brains 3 times in our lives. 49 days after conception, during vaginal birth, and at death. Could this be the chemical equivalent of a spirit?
I've bee thinking about Soul. What is it and where does it come from. The subjects in the DMT experiments had very vivid "more real than real" experiences in an altered state. Is this still a conscience state? The movement between worlds suggests that we will most likely return to this one.
I ate mushrooms last night and had a very perception changing evening. I sat and looked at Graham's abstract paintings seeing things that I had never recognised within his work. Today I can see the same things and it's incredible what he is doing with paint. I have gained a new respect.

pop

She bought me dinner and told me she loves someone else. Thanks.

To: every exgirlfriend ever.
please do not tell your ex-boyfriend how great your new boyfriend is.

also, if you could stop trying to rationalize what Love is we would all be better off.

On a personal note I want you to know that God will never save you.

good vibrations
I've been playing guitar so much lately. Graham has this DL-7 digital delay pedal... it's sick. SO I can loop up to a 15 sec sample to infinity. I lay down a rythym part loop it a work on my leads. It's allowing me to progress faster because I'm learning and making two seperate parts at the same time. Fun stuff.

It's Friday night. I packed my belongings up and put them in a corner today. Stephanie and I went out to my house last night and drank some beers. We has some great conversation about direction and life. I'm becoming more and more interested in what she thinks about. She's typically very quiet. We had a great evening and then woke up at my not-for-much-longer house. I went through my pictures and flyers as per usual in this circumstance. We woke to half drank beers and gentle music while I packed my things.
Last night I sat at Sitwells for like 5 hours. There was an artist who has her work on the walls who also hosted an open mic. We listened to latino poems and longing for freedom. The night was amazing. Melanie was there and we talked about dreams. Melanie is an incredibly energetic person. She teaches yoga and is headed off for some conference in the next few weeks. I wish her well and hope that her experience is fulfilling.
This afternoon Stephanie and I met up with some other kids and had chinese food at the Florence Mall. I am most repulsed by malls in general. Actually any gathering of commerce crazed rednecks is quite agitating for me. THe place wasn't that crowded though and we left in short order. The food was mediocre but quality for mall-food I guess. We drove and smoked and found our way back to Clifton. We stopped at Melissa's and chilled for awhile before going to this keg party we had been hearing about. A few guys came in who looked very out of place and one was giving off heavy wasted vibes. I turned to look at him and when our eyes met I asked him "Are you on hallucinagens man, your pupils are the size of this room." He was not happy about this question and blew me off. His friend in a blue button up shit and tie turned to me and gave me this shitty look. I asked him what he was doing and he told me about his frat and that he is in the marines and wants to fly F-18's. We discussed war and geo-central political strategy and how we are all people. I expressed my distain for war and I asked him to think about what this country is really fighting for. Hopefully I gave him reason to question but I doubt it. We ventured out to this kegger-frat-boy-fuck party on Stratford that was far to crowded for fire code. I looked around at the drunken foolery that was taking place and decided that getting out was nescessary. We walked the 3 short blocks back to base and looked for gin-drunk girls' wallet. Had a few more beers and a couple pizza's knocked us out. Steph dropped me off at the studio and I'll be passing out soon.
Eric's parents are in town and he's going to be blowing glass tommorow so I have to be up early. It's been a great couple of days and I'm looking forward to waking up tommorow well rested.

I’m destroying myself with scribbles and rants on coffeehouse napkins. I’ll leave it to find some observant home in open hands. What sort of madman life am I leading… I do care. More than myself is out there waiting for recognition. On walks through towns I find that I have no place to go but flow pen memories and failed relations. It’s fine that you feel that way but maybe we’ll change our minds. I’m moving for me and the surfs up so where do you think I’ll be.
Light a cig - stop smoking
Catch a breath - stop choking
Get a room – stop joking
Brain leak – don’t freak
seek seek seek

Sara and I met at Sitwells today. Neutral territory. I think we both thought that it might not be such a wonderful conversation. I was quite relieved to find out that we are both doing what is right for us. So I’m not as much of an asshole as I thought. We talked about school and she’s decided that she wants to get her masters and teach photo to college kids. That’s really exciting. I know she’ll make a teacher and the experiences she will be able to have are profound.
I complicated things in my head. I guess I just wanted an affirmation of my actions. We both needed to let go and I think we both have. It’s amazing to be able to talk with her as friends. I’m not hurting anymore. I can move on down the road now.

I’m planning a hitch-hiking trip to Skatopia in the next few months. I think the first week there are leaves on the trees I’m going to pack up and go. I’m going to stop smoking. If I don’t stop smoking I’m not going to Skatopia. It will be the perfect reward for myself. I just can’t skate anymore unless I can breath well for hours at a time. My average timespan on the ramp is like an hour. It should be more like 4 hours. I used to spend 6 hours at the Louisville park no problem. I’ve been working on being more healthy and it’s showing already. I’ve been stretching every day and I can feel myself getting more flexable.

I'm a fucking asshole. Bukowski would be proud.

what did I do last night. Stephanie stopped in at the studio and she told me about the different parties that were going to happen. Todd and Johanna met us and we went to ky to get beer. The drive was beat filled in the back of the scion while we smoked. We drove around for awhile and stopped at this apartment complex. The guys at the door both had name tags on and I asked them if I could have one. Dr. Winston O'Boogie. Apparently one of the guys friends screen-name is that and none of them knew why. We had shots and I watched drunk girls wander around. THe party was low-key but very enjoyable. About midnight I tried to get everyone together to leave but more shots were consumed first. Back on the road and back to Clifton to another party. One of the JJ kids was there and I found out that he lived there. Clifton gets like that some nights, people just wander into parties and they ask who lives there. Graham and I talked to this guy who is a mathmatition for a good hour and we didn't even notice that everyone else at the party had left. We went to KB's and I passed out.
I actually woke up this morning to come assist in the hotshop. It's been a good day so-far.

leaves

too many girls... not enough Sean. Sara comes home this week-end and I have to tell her everything. I have to tell her that I stopped waiting for her. I just hope she hasn't been waiting for me. I have to tell her that I'm going on with things and that she is no longer the focus of my life. I still Love her.
I'm finding new people to grow with and understand in different ways. I am in cincinnati and I am going to enjoy it. The past week I've been going out more and seeing what this town has to offer. So far I've had some really interesting conversations and heard some fucked up stories, but that's what I Love.
I am waking up from my winter hybernation. I'm rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and after a good stretch I'll be set for spring.

“I have really good news.”
“What’s up?”
“You should just come over, because you should.”

Sat. morning I walked to sitwell’s from the studio and it was actually nice out. I had Gina’s phone from the night before and I knew Nick was at work so I figured I would go see him.
I have not walked through Clifton is so long. When I worked at the ghetto pizza place I would skate home through U.C. and then through Burnet Woods. I can’t wait until this summer so I can go street skating again. I really want to take more photos this season. Since my camera got stolen a year ago I have not been able to.
So I got to Sitwell’s and Nick looked like he was having a rough time. He wasn’t going to get off of work for another few hours so I decided to walk to Gina’s. She wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like walking back to Ludlow so I took a nap on her roof. The sun was out and it felt great on my face as I thought about the night before. I smoked a cigarette and walked again. Gina was there so I sat down with her and we played cards. I think Gina has amazing control. She owns her life and is so relaxed.
We table swapped for a while and I noticed this cute blonde girl with a laptop. She would type spontaneously and laugh to herself. Her smile was radiant. Another table swap later I saw that she was doing the same thing I do everyday when I get online. Checking out people’s blogs, updating mine, check the e-mail, see what’s in the news, write some stuff, check the e-mail….
Nick sat down with us and had a beer after he was done working. I tempted him with green delight and we were out the door. We lazed about at Gina’s apartment and listened to music.
I told Nick that if I didn’t take a shower soon I was going to melt. Gina said that she wanted to go to Wild Oats so she would take me home. I talked to Dave for a short time and took a well-deserved shower. I feel really bad about Dave. He’s buying his house and so he has these serious responsibilities. He works really hard, goes to school full time, and he works on plays quite often. Even when I spent a lot of time at the manor I would rarely see him. I’ve not been avoiding going there but I just know I owe Dave money and I feel bad about it. I want to hang out with him but I don’t have that much fun at the house. I don’t do anything in Silverton. I usually just want to hang out in Clifton so why should I live so far away when I can’t get back and forth. It’s just not working for me. I think Dave’s awesome and I have a lot of respect for him. I would rather be able to hang out with him and have fun than think about the money.
Nick and Gina came back to pick me up and we were off to the studio. When we got there Graham had used his magic skill to find us some golden teachers. I immediately gathered the tribe and had plans laid out for the evening. I went to KB’s and Graham went to Davers. There was talk of a punk house party not far from c-town so we all got ready to go. We had our speanut butter sandwich’s and found our way to the party. I was holding back on my brain to see if everyone else was going to be alright and right as I was starting to let it soak in the girls say they want to leave. I saw a few people I knew and I few strangers who recognized me somehow. This one girl kept staring at me. I think that there are a lot of kids in Cincinnati who sit around on their computers and look at other people who live in cincy… or maybe I’m an insane loser. Anyway, I often see people on Ludlow and around town who’s blog’s I’ve read or Friendster profile I’ve seen. Seeing strangers again gets complicated when you’ve read their words and then you see them at the table across from you in a burrito place. Parties are much of the same except more densely packed with people you are slightly familiar with.
As Kurt and I were standing by the day he walked over to me and said, “That wall is really far away and visual.” In the background Teenage Wasteland kicks in and 20 kids instantaneously gets more intoxicated because of it. It hits me as I start jumping up and down screaming the lyrics.
Out the door and down the road back to KB’s. Todd busted out some glow sticks while we were driving and everyone in the car encouraged him to wait. We waited at the house for Kurt and Becca to get back and we were all glad to be back. Once everyone was back I relaxed and let the myself feel the haze. As we listened to Radiohead and sat back the blue fog around my peripheral vision exploded turning the entire room a rainforest green.
Todd broke one of the glowsticks into the sink and let in run down the sides. The metal reflected the glow substance so everyone looking at it had off blue large pupils.
I lay down and think funny things while people talked around me. I spooned and watched the sunlight trickle in the window. I slept and slept some more.