With these works you are witnessing a birth. the ideas, flavors, and textures you see are mearly reflections of the clouded silent voice that calls himself an artist. These are your discarded dreams. The materials used for these paintings make up a portrait of late night bike rides, detours on my way home from work, and other things that were once functional. You have thrown these things away and I am returning them to you with newfound purpose.I hope you like them. I do. When we remember our childish fantasies, what do they look like. Are they worn and stained by neglect? Let us together feel like everything is new.

This is a statement of praise. You deserve my compliments for reading, listening, and looking at something new. The things that we have are also the things we do.
If you could see yourself gaining enjoyment from one of these pieces on a daily basis, if it could surprise or you affect you, then I invite you to take one home. Most of what it costs for yourself or myself is the time it takes to appreciate.

My hope is that you, the audience, will have the desire to speak and share your thoughts on these works. My hope is that you will share this moment and this experience with someone. Ask someone you don't know what they think about these paintings and enjoy it.
I did.

DarkWax

March, 2011

I feel like I have not had anything to say in a very long time. The illusion that there is an answer has lead me down one too many dark dead-end alleys. What was I fighting for? So resistant to society. So angry that I have to fight. These days, i want nothing. It's easier that way. I wake up. there's no battle to march into. I get lost tying my shoes. This ashtray a constant reminder of all of my failures. The desire then instant gratification and then loss all in one ash covered stink. I used to have friends that challenged me. Now I feel sympathy. Poor sean, didn't build a ladder to get out of the hole he dug himself into. i could blame anyone but myself. I have to stop smoking weed so I can get into the factory that I have spent most of my life running from. I never wanted the fear. Now I'm afraid all the time. the days are fragile. i wonder when it's going to fall apart. when I'll fuck it up again.

It's the undercurrent that will get you. The waves are mostly show, the ocean rolling in gentle as it has done since the moon broke off the earth. The pictures don't show the pain. The silver screen never quite illuminating the idea. But behind or inside down deep, there is guilt. Everything that is presented, hides something else. A magician conjures nothing more than your own mind. I feel the sand, it's sucking me slowly, geologically out to sea. I would rather fall off a cliff, disappointment comes on quicker that way. But the sand is only as strong as the tide. One might see it happening if you are still enough. Quiet enough. In my moment of silence I have not witnessed truth. Shallow vagaries meant only to confuse, to encourage segregation. We split ourselves in two to become half of what we want. The other half dies. No funeral for lost dreams. No sadness for what could have been only a dull disgusting comma in a wordless poem. I am the thing that I hate. I hate the thing that I want to become, so I will be still. I will wait for nothing and plan for everything that will not happen. I'm a triple negative. If my life was put to film, my mind would be the sprocket holes. The empty space that lines up the revolutions.

I miss the fire. I touched it once, it danced with me. Turning the cold blank surface to lava connected just so. It flowed and froze on my command. Now I beg to spark the torch, and i am stopped by an empty cup. I am turned into a child scratching at poison ivy only to have it spread. I don't have any more prayers to not be answered. If this is the feeling of being an adult, I take it back. I don't want it anymore. I want the hours of looking at fossilized death back. I want to build a dam and sit in the rain for hours to watch it fail. and be happy about it.

heyyyy
[You]
10:38pm
where are you?
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:38pm
st augustine f l a
[You]
10:39pm
did you really get married?
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:39pm
yes but i cn explain
[You]
10:39pm
i'm intriqued
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:39pm
hahahahahahah why
[You]
10:40pm
you didn't seem like the gettn' hitched kinda gal
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:40pm
i wasnt
hahahahahah
[You]
10:40pm
now you are?
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:40pm
it happpens
i did it to help him
[You]
10:41pm
"but my new porch is bland, and nothing interesting has come my way lately." what's that about. yeah I'm quoting you...
[Sarah Elizabeth Alarcon]
10:42pm
your lerking
uhhhhh .........
i need somethiing to come my way
[You]
10:43pm
what are you waiting for?
10:46pmSarah is offline.

It's been too long. A new friend has rekindled my desire to post here. I do have a lot to say and I should say it here. Whether anyone reads it or not.
But not right now. I have a few minutes here at the library and wanted to change last post date to something more contemporary. I guess I'll just have to pick it up where I left off and tell what's been happening over the last year. Soon.

This is one of those times when I start to forget what I'm doing and get lost in my multiple random dreams. I had one last night that I was swimming from one island to another and a massive seaweed bed floated up, wrapped it's slimyness around me and pulled me under. I woke up like i barely made the surface. Having some sort of destination is unfamiliar to me. It's like being on the interstate and the only thing to look at is empty fields, housing developments, and random towns that are apparently only there to service and feed the people passing through. No one stops to ask why they are there. I'm drifting from the metaphor. But the desire to find out where that country road might lead is still very strong in me. It might be something, it might not, and most often you just end up going back to where you started anyway just a little farther down the road.
I wonder what's the optimum way to get what I want. Sometimes I think that what I really want does not exist, and can not exist. But they said we'd never have a black president. Suckers. My dream to sail is strong. I don't know which will be more difficult; getting to the shore, or stepping off the dock. Will 'leaving it all behind' actually work for me? Historically, I spend most of my time trying to leave a place and then the rest of the time wondering why. I'm a cliff-notes version of half finished phrases. There is no certainty in my life. Like water I conform to the vessel that holds me. Usually I'm a puddle looking for the sun to evaporate me and rain me down in some other town, where once again I will collect in gutters and parking lots finding no roots to nourish.
If I woke up floating in the ocean I would start swimming. I would not wait, not hoping, no land in sight, but I would move. What is the reason in that?

Erff...

It's the day before St. Patriciks day. I'm drunk on Jameson and ready to go out. I have no idea where the bar is or what the band that is playing is about. I'm grumpy. There's a ladyfriend that I'd like to see tonight but i'm not even sure if she's going to show up at said bar. My phone is charged and poised for action. Will it ring? I don't know. Uncle Dave had a baby boy on Sat. and I'm stoked and sad at the same time. When I called him he was busy as usual but hoped that I was calling to tell him that I was on my way back out to the island. Unfortuanatly not. I was just calling him to thank him for his thoughts and tell him that I love him. I also called my brother for the same reason. I thought about calling my mom for the same reason but I'm pretty sure that I would try to talk about something taboo to her and she would not appreciate my phonecall. My issues with the women kind are becoming more apparent now that I live with 3 women whom I am not sleeping with. This is a very different arrangment than I'm used to. They are strong and able and compassionate. They relate to where I am in life and want nothing more than to help me on my way. I have to work in the morning and may already be regretting my desicion to go out tonight but I need it damnit. I want some social satisfaction. I don't get to meet random people on a daily basis and that's what really turns me on. I'm hoping that at least my ladyfriend can introduce me to some interesting folk that I have not met yet.

Funny... as I'm writing this my ladyfriend called and siad that she's not that interested in going to the show but still wants to hang out. Erff to the max. I'm really stoked about seeing some live music and damnit.

I don't know what's going on. I'll post more soon. Peace. Aloha.............

Soooo... funny story.

I was at the Melody Inn for a rock show. My ol' friend Rich had invited me to see this band 'the dwellers' I was in from the start. I got my tax refund today so it was already burning a hole in my pocket. He picked me up and we got to the bar around 9:30 the opening band was just finishing up, a garage rock band trying to keep it together. Probably something I would have played had I been on stage tonight so I dug it. While the dwellers were setting up I jumped on the pool table watching these two old men hash it out. I asked a guy standing around if they were playing pool or croquet. The old man who ended up winning was a guy named steve. I know this because when I introduced myself to him as challenger he told me his name about 5 times. I beat him soundly and as he was staggering my direction to yet again wrap his paws around my shoulders he stumbled over a bar stool. Now I'm not in the habit of telling bartenders to do their job but this guy was obviously done and I didn't want any mistaking it, so I asked the bartender not to serve the guy anymore. About 2 minutes later the bartender eyeballs me into the back room. I tell him that I wouldn't kick him out yet but that he's well loaded and should probably be trying to find his way home, hopefully not driving. I enjoy the show and a few beers. The dwellers were a rousing noisy fun time and I heard a lot of my own kindof style in their music. Good Times... so as they are breaking down my friend rick who had bought the old guy a few extra rounds was now trying to call the guy a cab home. This lead to my own conversations about how the time I woke up in a ditch taught me a good lesson and I wouldn't be so kind to this guy. Call me cold-hearted but if you're 5 drinks in and drunk already maybe enough is enough and I don't want anyone to have to 'take care of me.' So that's where I lay my boundaries. The cab driver actually comes into the bar complaining that the guy can't tell him where to take him. Terrible. Rick goes back out for awhile and apparently settles it somehow. Meanwhile I'm talking to the bartender telling him that I didn't mean to step on his toes but just wanted to let him know about the guy. The bartender actually thanks me and says that the guy is a usual bad-news kindof guy and he had had trouble with him before. The bartender says he's a jerk and usually gets other people to buy him more drinks towards the end of the night, what can he do? I agree and thank him for listening.
As we are about to leave (which I'm very ready to get out of there) I ask Rick if maybe I should drive. He had been drinking Tequila drinks all night and I had had about 4 beers. He said no worries so I believed him. This is an old friend that I've not hung out with much in the last 6 years. As we're driving we start to take a left turn up a major street (meridian) and he barely hits this car as it's making a right turn going the same direction as we are. Rick doesn't stop and the car follows us. Oh yeah, one of Ricks friends was following us in his car so we turn around to see if this guy is still following and he is. We go up about 8 blocks and then Rick takes a left and then a quick right to see who's following us. Rick gets out and it is his friend behind us. They survey the damage to the front of Ricks car, which is minimal, and get back in. As Rick is starting around this circle drive I see a white car turn it's lights on and back up. As soon as we get close the ole blue and reds come on! Great... two drunk drivers and a drunk passenger. When the good ole boys come up and start to question Rick I stay quiet and still. They ask him if he's been drinking, rick says 'a little' and then they ask if we know where we are. Rick says the approximate intersection and the cop says "This is the Governors house." They proceed to question Ricks friend in the next car for awhile and then come back to us asking a few more questions. The cop says "what about your passenger there, is he ok" I respond that I'm fine and they tell Rick that we have an hour to call people to come get the cars off the property or we will be arrested. I had already figured that we were going to jail so this whole, make sure you can leave thing really fucked with me. But they were serious. I guess that rather than take us to jail and have the governor wake up with random cars in his front yard they wanted us and the cars to leave as soon as possible. Rick calls his wife but she comes by herself only able to take Rick and his friend while I call Linz to get her to get Amanda out of bed to come drive Ricks car to his house. Personally I was prepared to go to jail but with this option to not go to jail I woke up my friends. They showed up none to happy but glad that they were not picking me up from jail, so we took ricks car to his house where they were standing trying to figure out what to do with ricks friends car which was still at the governors house. I told Rick that I was sorry but my friends had to get back to bed so they could go to work in the morning and i left with my friends. Terrible. I was pretty pissed the whole time. While I'm glad that I didn't have to go to jail, I was not happy about waking up the people that I'm staying with to come bail me out of a strange situation. Although picking me up at the governors house was pretty funny.

So yeah, interesting night.

The band was great, the way home was not. It happens. I'm just glad that I'm not in the drunktank right now. Much Love......

it's Valentines and I don't think i've ever cared less. this indy thing is really bumming me out. I'm comfortable and in a stable healthy environment (boring). Although I am very grateful for Linz letting me crash on her couch, i'm dying to have something to do. Tommorow i'm going to paint the bathroom. Last week i painted the Living room and next week I'll probably paint the upstairs hallway. On the up side I've been listening to great music on Pandora, I've watched 3 seasons of 'House' and I'm playing guitar more than I have in the last month, also i'm not smoking the reefer and only two cigarettes in the last 7 days. I'm not exactly being stimulated but then again that's why I chose to come here. If I was in cincy i'd be mugging people for beer and sneaking in the back door to get into shows. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Here I am not tempted by my usual vices and it's a nice break from the normal chaos that swirls around me like pigpens stink cloud. How many metaphors can I come up with to explain where I am?
Don't believe me... I'm in Love.
I've been high on Love and now I'm coming down. The withdraw is a BITCH! Can a person actually be addicted to love. Was Robert Palmer serious? Did he have a problem, was he making a call for help and we thought it was cute?

I've spent more time making plans than ever following through with them. Statistically I'm at about a .5% success rate. That's 5 times my BAC. There's blood in my alcohol stream! My plan to gain some kind of skill and find a job applying said skill is still on the table. How many roads...? Generally i'm right on track, specifically I'm not even in the ballpark, maybe not even in the same state.
Speaking of which, the where and the why are mattering less than the how and the what. But unless I take care of the how and the what there's no where or why for me to decide. It will be decided for me, like it is now. In order to give myself options I have to come up with some answers, and find the doors to open.

I'm not sure if any of that made sense but maybe looking back on it will prove something to me.

The last couple days I went through all my old posts and enjoyed the virtual trip down memory lane. Some stuff that I had forgotten, some stuff I wish I had forgotten and some stuff that I can't even explain. Mostly it's entertaining (to me) and some of the writing is not that bad. After losing all my notebooks in the mail snafu of '08 i've been literally repressing my own words. Didn't feel like I wanted to write or that I had anything to say. I always have something to say... whether any of it is valuable or not is up to the future me. I should really just put it all down. Editing is easier if there's something to edit. You can't delete parts of your life that you never recorded in the first place.

Don't Believe me,
I'm in Love.

Ask me if I trust a crackhead with my wallet. Is it empty? It will be soon if it isn't. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm liable to say or do anything if it will bring me closer to you. If I can do something that will allow me access to your eyes and your voice I will do it. Looking at someone who's being totally honest and present in the moment is the ultimate high. I get goosebumps thinking about it. Trust is the LoveBuzz.


If I could tell a lie
I'd steal it from you to get high.

Back in Madtucky.

I should have prepared something for this but I'll wing it.
Being in Hanover is generally depressing. Josh has been sleeping for days and when he woke up yesterday he decided we should go to Hooters. I had cleaned and organized everything I had so I needed to get out of the house. The drive down was smoke filled but quick. Josh gave me shit for not gourging myself on wings. I opted for a Guiness. and then another. THe conversation was lacking and I stared out across the river at Louisville thinking about some of my adventures there.

There's a woman in my life that I ran from because she's wonderful. I think that hurts more. This is my time to get myself where I want to be in life. I cannot be distracted. I must achieve. I will have one small success at a time and I will break myself of old habits.

For the record: I have said some ridiculous shit. I have made wild plans and then quickly forgot about them. I have given up without trying. This is not the present case. I am going to this school. I will graduate and I will work hard to make myself a man. I will earn the right.

Soo... I'm in Portland, OR after a few months in Mendo. Hanging with the homies there was so much fun. Purple Goo was everything I could have asked for. Firefly and I had a very interesting time together. I learned more in a month about myself and my desires than in the years that took place before. Who am I and why do I need such an identity? I don't know. The only person with whom I've had such intense interaction is Graham and he's my other. I guess intimacy is my thing.
I made some money and then had it stolen from me here in Portland. Bummers. But I did get a job at this taco spot and looking for work elsewhere as well. Actually I'm still training and have to go in today. My boss is pretty funny and I think I'll like working there. Found a couple fun bars here in Portland, B.O.G. has happy hour until 8pm with 1 dollar PBRs, then theres the Jolly Inn which has power hour from 9-10 with .75 cent pbr's... how many can you drink in an hour?

Otherwise I'm having a great time with Lisa in her home. I Love the folks I'm staying with and hopefully I'll be able to get enough work to find my own space. I quit skateboarding and I've been playing my guitar more. Much Love!!!

I'm working on a screenplay right now. And you're probably in it! You all said I could, don't you remember?


I'm looking down the short end of my hawaii trip. 5 weeks and counting. Sept. 1 off to Kauai until the 12th then 2 weeks until I pack em up. Crazy.

Looking forward to Purple Goo and going underground.

Shoots!

Today i'm sitting at the library in Hilo. I'm working on making a flyer to post around UH-. My Hawaii adenture is about to end. Going to California with an aching in my heart.

I'm hoping to be in Madison on Election Day.
we'll see how long I last there... in the winter.

I'm probably crazy.

but actually I like it that way.

We're sitting in a coffee shop looking for jobs. It's been a fun couple weeks so far. Last night we went to the city to catch a show. Dancing like crazy and having a great time.

erff.

I quit my first job already. Worked two days and it was stupid. probably look for a restaraunt job.

anyway.

The hall was wide and so very long that you could not see the end. Behind dark doors were things lived only once or maybe seen in dreams. Whispers like fall leaves breached unseen barriers into organ pipes singing. This was a place out of time and of no origin. Only watercolor reflections escape but what is locked within is unknowable. Untouchable, existence does not compare to the memory. Taking one door, making only one choice is for the dead. Currents shift and life lingers drifting along the edge of reason. As if by magic without the magician, images fade into cirrus swirls. The sun retrieves it's light from curls of birth laughing. Ancient stars harmonized through future telescopes. Clouds are star dust in stasis, the inevitable thirsty planet breathes. Another door and more manifestation of secret desires. We are hungry and full, lazy and excited. This was once called 'now.'

I had a rough day. Nothing seemed to go right. I started my day cutting bamboo for the Greenhouses. We've planted lots of tomatoes and built curved greenhouse structures over the rows. This is for heat and to prevent too much moisture. I've been putting up rigging to let the plants grow up on. It's like 95 in these houses so within minutes I'm sweating my ass off. Anyway, I'm having a really hard time getting the ribs tied up and as I'm standing there, the next house over totally blows out and the tarp comes all the way off. So I have to get out and go put it back together. There are these clips that are meant for holding the tarp to the ribs but the ones we have are the wrong size and we don't have time to go all the way to Kona to get the proper ones.

SO it's 95 inside and I'm all sweaty and I step out and it's 75 and raining.

Then I step on a rock and it hurts way more than it should. I lift up my foot and I've got planters wart and it hurts soo bad. it was just a crappy day.

Work was really slow. Looked at the calender and realize that I'm only working one more week. Crazy.

Three men and a Baby is on tv right now. Holland says she loves it. I don't remember.

15 days to departure.

fucking crazy.

I don't even know what to say. I'm excited. I look forward to seeing people in the middle-east. hope that our travels are safe and we'll be able to not spend much money.

Had a dream I was in San Diego last night. Weird. Everytime I dream of S.D. I'm always getting lost looking for Ocean Beach. Which is strange because I know exactly how to get there.

Hello internetlandville,

I've been watching 9-11 video, conspiracies, some guy who invented perpetual motion motor; and thinks he's jesus, some stuff about particles, a japanese tv station footage during the fires at the wtc of a ufo, cops and firefighters saying there was a bomb, all this crazy shit that I would like to talk about... but I have a better idea.

something funny


I fucking hate Bush.

I think the U.S. Government had everything to do with the Sept. 11th 2001 'demolition' of the World Trade Center in New York.

Oh yeah, I worked for A.C.T. and had a great time failing to convince Ohio that Bush was a bad idea for working people and for Americans in general,
or did I fail?

So today, anyone reading this... I hope that you'll try to understand what your government will do to you in order to further it's goal of world domination.

We are just ants after-all right?