I spy a red eye

I talked to Sara on the phone Sun. and I guess she's quiting school and moving home. I offered her everything I could to help and she told me that her mother....
Anyway it made me feel really helpless and pathetic. I've been working so hard so that I could share my life with her. Share everything. Be able to buy her dinner. That's my motivation.
So, I was feeling really fucked up about the whole thing and I had the urge to hurt myself. It's been 2 years since I cut myself and I'm not really interested in doing that again. But I thought about it and why I was thinking about it and I realized that it's all about control. The world sucks and there's all this suffering all around us that usually we have no control over. A person can control a blade with painful precision and nothing else matters. It's like negative meditation.

splanzamans

Who sells Terror

You call me a terrorist
while you commit the crimes
You call me a terrorist
your money writes the Times

When your country calls you a terrorist
I think it's time to resist
When my homeland says I'm a terrorist
You know I'll scream with my fist
When your mother calls you a terrorist
Then who's going to be pissed

When
is it time yet?
Now
is it time yet!
How
is it time yet?
Together
Right Now

Do you remember McCarthy
and his big red scare
Well Cheney's torching the chambers
You better be aware

Bush says he's spreading freedom
He shoots plutonium lies
There's no metaphor for contradiction
You better open your eyes

A Dream....

I was walking through a small downtown area and I felt good. It was evening in this town and the streets were lit up with the gentle glow of summer. As I walked I saw a friend in a doorway. He was painting a storefront so I joined him and the painting was jovial. As we painted the color of the paint slowly changed and my companion and I both enjoyed it until the colors turned dark.
A black explorer pulls up and six gentlemen get out and start yelling at us. They tell us that the building we are painting is a Freemason's temple and we have to paint it a certain color. We laugh because the paint keeps changing colors so we really have no control over the paint. They get more angry and I realize that a few of the gentlemen are teachers from my high school. I have always suspected one of the teachers to be a mason so it made me laugh to see him. They then get furious that we are laughing and they start chasing us down the street. We ran and ran until a speeding truck pulls up and out jumps Girlie. She starts running away until I yell for her to come to me. She sees that it is me, runs and jumps up on my chest. I hug her so tight she makes snuggling noises. I look at her and she has this glam-rock star around her eye instead of the brown spot that's usually there. I laughed and I woke up laughing thinking about a glam-rock pit-bull.


A Poem....

I heard about nuclear proliferation
but it seems my nation
doesn't have the dedication
to end it's atomic masturbation

So if terrorists are selling drugs
it's cause they've got people to feed
if it wasn't for all this american greed
that planted that seed
we wouldn't have terrorists in the first place

Now of all the people in the human race
what makes us so special?
Democracy is a joke
and capitalism is leaving me broke

Why is it ok for us to kill
when we've got bellies here to fill
All this US confusion
is just conjuring an illusion
that we have an enemy

When WE are the enemy.

A Life....

I've been working like crazy and this week-end is the big pay-off. I get to see Sara again and spend as much time with her as possible. She's going to be here until wed. and I have to work on Mon. and Tues. but I get off at 9:30 so I'll be able to hang out with her when I get out. I live so close to her parents that she can come over whenever she has the chance and I think she will.
Today is rainy and cool. It reminds me of Muncie. My time in that place was spent so fucked up with different things that I don't remember if I was depressed or just an alchoholic.
oh well. Another thing that I've worked through and no longer bothers me. I've been letting go a lot in the past few months all these things that have been eating at my motivation and this resistance that i've put on myself. It's good to feel good about yourself.

I'm sitting in the very sterile environment of Raymond Walters College. I don't know how anyone could feel comfortable here. I certainly don't.
I've been living with my friend Dave in his house and It's great. I've been helping out at the house and this past weekend we planted some flowers and shubery around the house. It was fun and then we got drunk... which was also very fun.

campfire crush
on conversation
discussing what's
right or wrong
Perception says
that existance is
a means to
enlightenment

The grave I've seen
is the reason being
for self concept
and understanding
mourning song
of self defeat
is simply our way
of sharing

This intanglement
of conflicting idea
when we describe
the same fucking thing
it's the experience
that gives us a chance
to explain
our interaction

Discussing life and death with Micah has always been a great pleasure of mine. He'll be leaving for Paris, France in Jan. so I'll be trying to spend more time with him. I miss my Clifton friends. Maybe Wed. night I'll invite some people over to the studio. I don't know... I have to work so much but it's been pretty satisfying to be productive and working towards something. I'm doing well and I have a room to live in for the first time since I lived in Muncie 2 1/2 years ago. Dave would like to see me become a permanant fixture at the manor and I think it would be the best thing for me to do.
I got to talk to Sara last night on the phone and I was totally surprised at first. I didn't think she had Dave's number, but she's pretty crafty like that. I was really glad to talk to her but she had a rough week and I could hear it in her voice. I got her to laugh though and I think it made us both feel better. She is why I can feel good about myself.

I took a walk today.

Smoke and groove
get up and move
waltz with infinity

crunch crunch clomp
my way towards
imaginary horizons

signs on occasion
of side-car party
with booze and cigarettes

It brings me here
among sporatic ties
on more line on the parallel

THis direct channel journeys
through this part of me
that starts to feel like home

and I find myself focused
on tracks of progress
when I forgot where
I was going