It was a long walk to the Health Dept. and a short walk back. I first found out that I tested negative for HIV. THe counselor saw that I am from Jefferson county and said that he used to live in Hanover. Wow... what a small fucking world. He said that he owned property there and the people rented from him got busted with pot. He said they had a field and the man had to bring in trucks to get it all out. I said that it was sad.
Another vile of blood taken and the doctor comes in.
"Any symptoms, infections, or lesions you're worried about?"
"I have these bumps on the back of my toungue"
"Let's see. How long have they been there."
"A long time."
"COngratulations, you have taste buds."
She checked my penis and testes and stuck a swab into my urethra which did not feel so wonderful. She said it doesn't hurt as much as being sick. I agreed.
SO I checked out and she gave me a small brown bag full of condoms. I was told to see the cashier and I only had to pay $6.
I was worried and now I know... and knowing is half the battle.
4.22.2005
I've been listening to this gentle voice memory of past rides through country lanes. He reminds me of Burroughs but much less vulgar. THis story is about his travel and his thoughts. Jack Acid is pulling me out of urban boredom and stacking me up like years of newspapers. I'm here. Listening. HIs voice soft like wool blankets on a boxcar floor. He tells of battered youth and running for or away from crimes unknown. I think of my hitchhiking past and laugh at the few miles I had actually traveled. I did get a ride though. I got to where I was going without too much trouble. Maybe only a few lonely thoughts alongside busy roadways. I'm hearing less destruction in these words. I thought that only writers who were killing themselves/ already dead could get published. I guess sober adventures can sell just as well. I think of my movement and my brothers here expressing themselves. I wonder if I am the new be-at that I want to be. I wonder if my poems will make women wet. If I will have letters telling me how raw and alive I am. I wonder if my words will start a revolution. Maybe I already have in the thoughts of local street-kid passersbys. Sometimes I whisper my screams and fear shaking the ground with my words. It's time. THis old voice speaking to me is leading me into my future verses. I feel like Dr. can heal my writing and I'll stretch it out to my toes. Graham says that he wants his fingernails high while I just chew on mine fighting the urge to smoke a cigarette.
Now I'm in green filtered void catching bugs-bunny smooches. THese are times that my words lack the meaning or understanding of emotion. She swims in my eyes while I notice that cocconut sex wax beach smell. DO you remember what the ocean smells like? Were you intoxicated by the slow rythym licks against bare rock? Did you witness the universe spinning about and above us laying there? I look up to see prism light laughing across her face. THis music reminds her of so much and now it reminds me of this. She speaks of her escape and the flow that followed. I hardly move in comparrison. I shake the memory of a lost year. I spoke of assumed monogamy and the crashed in knowledge that hit me like a bus. I rode that same bus through wet streets with wet lips of drunken memory and tried to hitch my way back to the present. Here we are. After many street walking glances and eye knowledge dances we are no longer strangers. I am here. You let me in and have not yet asked me to leave. I'm hoping you won't. I'm becoming more like myself than that 5 year old boy inside ever could have imagined. I'm experiencing joy now under this blanket and I can't describe to you how I feel. I'm alive now and no-longer dying. I see some future now and I won't stop trying.
Now I'm in green filtered void catching bugs-bunny smooches. THese are times that my words lack the meaning or understanding of emotion. She swims in my eyes while I notice that cocconut sex wax beach smell. DO you remember what the ocean smells like? Were you intoxicated by the slow rythym licks against bare rock? Did you witness the universe spinning about and above us laying there? I look up to see prism light laughing across her face. THis music reminds her of so much and now it reminds me of this. She speaks of her escape and the flow that followed. I hardly move in comparrison. I shake the memory of a lost year. I spoke of assumed monogamy and the crashed in knowledge that hit me like a bus. I rode that same bus through wet streets with wet lips of drunken memory and tried to hitch my way back to the present. Here we are. After many street walking glances and eye knowledge dances we are no longer strangers. I am here. You let me in and have not yet asked me to leave. I'm hoping you won't. I'm becoming more like myself than that 5 year old boy inside ever could have imagined. I'm experiencing joy now under this blanket and I can't describe to you how I feel. I'm alive now and no-longer dying. I see some future now and I won't stop trying.
4.19.2005
"Shall we go down by the Automat and watch the old ladies eating beans, or the deaf-mutes that stand in front of the window there and you watch 'em and try to figure the invisible language as it flees across the window from face to face and finger to finger...? Why does Times Square feel like a big room?"
---Jack Kerouac
Lonesome Traveler
Nick and Gina were in New York last week so I thought I would put up a few pictures from their trip.
THe top two are from today. Ed's going away party is tonight so I'll be kicking it with the crew!
---Jack Kerouac
Lonesome Traveler
Nick and Gina were in New York last week so I thought I would put up a few pictures from their trip.
THe top two are from today. Ed's going away party is tonight so I'll be kicking it with the crew!
4.18.2005
Tempted by coffeehouse companions but found none, we ventured to more secluded territory. Candles lit and music chosen to fit the life jacked soundtrack we curled up together. We met in dreams and passed on streets unmentioned until now. She saw my darkness and malcontentment burning. She questioned the purpose and meaning aloud while we drank tea of her living room floor. She explained her premonition and I knew it to be true. My waking walking wandering has been seen in those dreams and my darkness bleeds through. I have submersed my demons in my dreams and now they are all soaked in black.
4.17.2005
sometimes I'm just another drunk kid in CLifton walking home alone at 6 o'clock in the morning. Othertimes I'm the shining light of the soul. Eihter way I can only be me. I pass the gaslight shhh and contemplate motion. THis sea of people places and faces that I only vaguely recognise. I went to Yifot's going away party. I'm excited to hear her stories and hang out with Jason while she's gone. I have dreams on the brain and nothing real can compare. All day I've had this iritated feeling with myself. I wrote a song. 'I woke up with a gun to my head... I just feel like dying but I'm already dead' perhaps I'll post the whole thing but I think Graham has it. I hope he has it because if he doesn't it will be lost forever.
I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and I miss him. He always let me be me and not try to mold me into his image. I appreciate this very much. So many of my friends struggle with what their parents expect them to be like. My dad never pushed anything on me and let me make my own desicions. So much is changing right now I can barely keep up. I have a date tommorow to do laundry. If you have to wash all the clothes you have you might as well be with someone you can enjoy. She makes anyhting the best thing in the world. It's all a matter of perspective.
We saw the new Woody Allen film last night. Melinda and Melinda is two stories about the same girl one from the telling of a tragedy, one from a comedy. It was interesting to hear the audiences reaction to different scenes. Some of the serious was laughed at and some of the humor was taken quite seriously. Woody Allen himself was not in it and for once I'm glad. I enjoy his work but he's a terrible actor. I was able to conect to a few people tonight in a way that before I would not have taken so well. I'm becoming even more accepting of people. It seems like the more shit happens around me the more I can find humour in it.
I want Life. I want Love. I want Liquid.
I already have it. I just have to recognize.
I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and I miss him. He always let me be me and not try to mold me into his image. I appreciate this very much. So many of my friends struggle with what their parents expect them to be like. My dad never pushed anything on me and let me make my own desicions. So much is changing right now I can barely keep up. I have a date tommorow to do laundry. If you have to wash all the clothes you have you might as well be with someone you can enjoy. She makes anyhting the best thing in the world. It's all a matter of perspective.
We saw the new Woody Allen film last night. Melinda and Melinda is two stories about the same girl one from the telling of a tragedy, one from a comedy. It was interesting to hear the audiences reaction to different scenes. Some of the serious was laughed at and some of the humor was taken quite seriously. Woody Allen himself was not in it and for once I'm glad. I enjoy his work but he's a terrible actor. I was able to conect to a few people tonight in a way that before I would not have taken so well. I'm becoming even more accepting of people. It seems like the more shit happens around me the more I can find humour in it.
I want Life. I want Love. I want Liquid.
I already have it. I just have to recognize.
4.12.2005
quite a bit has happened over the week-end. When we got to the gorge fri. night we found out that none of us had a flashlight so we walked the mile to the campsite in the dark. I was very impressed with nick's navigational skills as we found the site without falling off any cliffs. We reached the ridge point and started a fire. Nick told me where the edges were and I stayed close to the fire. We hung out and drank whiskey while we told stories. I asked the question of 'most pissed off' stories and was impressed with the diversity of the answer. I placed my broken glasses on my face and looked at the stars for a few hours. I passed out under the open sky and awoke to warmth and sun. When I got up I played guitar for awhile and admired the view that I had never seen before. After much taunting and harrasment we got Nick up and prepared for our half-days walk. right before we left cincy I remember that I had to wrok and that I would have to be back the next day. This rushed our adventure a bit but was acceptable by all.
We walked down the hillside to a cavern of sorts that was directly below our campsite. It wasn't more than a break in the rock but was sizable enough for us to climb through. We had native ritual on the cliff-face and I was scared about the climb back up to the top. We made it unscathed and got ready for our hike to the river. Not many leaves were out but so many flowers were blooming which made a carpet of color in some places. The splinter tree was about half-way down to the river and it was so interesting to look at. The sun was coming into the tree at such an angle that the whole inside glowed.
We released ourselves from the binds of shoes and enjoyed the cold water once we got to the river. I splashed a bit of water on my face and was instantaniously refreshed. I had Gina's camera on my hip and took some interesting pictures. Mostly we just enjoyed being outside and relaxed in the tree-filtered sunlight.
Work is getting better as I'm learning more about the functional workings of the place. The people I work with are so interesting and actually into the work. It makes it so much better when you enjoy the way you make money. This girl Monique was hanging out at and asked me what I was up to when I got off work. My only plan was to get a few beers and crash at Gina's. She's been a 'resident' of Clifton for only 2 weeks and she doesn't have a place to live. She told me that she was crashing at this professor's house so I figured she could come hang out with me for awhile and be on her way. I through in a Robert Johnson documentary and sat down. At that moment she dropped about 33 tons of complicated emotional shit on me. I basically just met this girl and she's telling me about sleeping with guys to get food. Shady. I can't tell if this girl is just emotionally disturbed or a compulsive liar because the stories she told me just do not match up with what she has told other people. Regardless... she thought that I invited her to come with me so that I could fuck her. I don't know if having a place to crash or getting laid was in her plans but she passed out on the couch and I realized that this is not the kind of person that I'm interested in finding out more about.
Sunday Nick and Gina and I went to Gina's parents house to do laundry and chill. THe sun was wonderful and we played frisbee. We ordered a pizza and waiting for the clothes to get finished. I was getting inpatient at the dryer because I wanted to go to an art opening. About that time I realized that I had to work at 8:30 and I might not have enough time to get to the show and make it to work on-time. We packed up the clothes in haste and headed to the museum.
We went to the art museum to see my friend Tony's graduation show. Seeing his work in a gallery rather than the basement of the studio is such a drastic change. His work often seems like commercialism covered with the grime of the streets. Actually the stuff being on a white wall helped me understand it that much better. I saw a few people I know and had a beer before we left. I made it to work on time and Monique was there.
I explained to her that I was not comfortable with her and the suitcase that she dropped off on Gina's back porch. I told her that I have enough emotional, economic, and spiritual problems to write a book (see: writings by Sean in the future) about and most likely will. I told her that I understood her situation but there is nothing I can do about it. She stayed at Sitwell's until we closed an ioanna kicked the staglers out. I'm not sure where Monique stayed but I know she was fine. It's nice enough now that anywhere outside that the cops won't fuck with you is a pretty good place to sleep.
When I got off work I called Dave and he came to pick me up. We went to a new firend Suzie's house. She is an opera singer and has her master's in music. SHe has the best decorated apartment I've been to in Clifton. We had a few beers and I went to Dave's to pass out.
I woke up and helped Leslie clean the house. I did the dishes while she cleaned the living room. Dave grumbled that we were being loud but we ignored him. After Dave went to work Leslie and I took Brandi (Dave and Leslie's pit bull) to Burnett woods to run around. We walked around the park and down Ludlow until we saw Nick. I hung out with Nick at the studio for awhile until I was ready to go back down to Ludlow. I called Melanie but she was with friends and planned on going home to go to bed so I found alternate excitement: skating. I skated around Clifton going to different parties/houses. I saw Ian today for the first time in like 7 months. He's living in Lexington, KY with his girlfriend the second grade teacher. He has a child with her on the way and seems like he has accepted the responsibility ahead of him. How well he will handle it I have no way to know but I wish the very best to him.
I stopped at the Mad Frog house to meet the kids and had an awesome jam session with two of the guys that live there now. All the old graffiti (see: Graffiti Minds, right hand column) is still up and they added some more to go with it. The rent is so reasonable and the guys are safe enough for me to be sure about moving in at the end of the month. I'll have a place to live and put my four boxes of stuff... YAY!!!
I'm looking forward to seeing Melanie tommorow and I know I'll have a big smile the whole time I'm with her. She's so liquid I feel like ice.
We walked down the hillside to a cavern of sorts that was directly below our campsite. It wasn't more than a break in the rock but was sizable enough for us to climb through. We had native ritual on the cliff-face and I was scared about the climb back up to the top. We made it unscathed and got ready for our hike to the river. Not many leaves were out but so many flowers were blooming which made a carpet of color in some places. The splinter tree was about half-way down to the river and it was so interesting to look at. The sun was coming into the tree at such an angle that the whole inside glowed.
We released ourselves from the binds of shoes and enjoyed the cold water once we got to the river. I splashed a bit of water on my face and was instantaniously refreshed. I had Gina's camera on my hip and took some interesting pictures. Mostly we just enjoyed being outside and relaxed in the tree-filtered sunlight.
Work is getting better as I'm learning more about the functional workings of the place. The people I work with are so interesting and actually into the work. It makes it so much better when you enjoy the way you make money. This girl Monique was hanging out at and asked me what I was up to when I got off work. My only plan was to get a few beers and crash at Gina's. She's been a 'resident' of Clifton for only 2 weeks and she doesn't have a place to live. She told me that she was crashing at this professor's house so I figured she could come hang out with me for awhile and be on her way. I through in a Robert Johnson documentary and sat down. At that moment she dropped about 33 tons of complicated emotional shit on me. I basically just met this girl and she's telling me about sleeping with guys to get food. Shady. I can't tell if this girl is just emotionally disturbed or a compulsive liar because the stories she told me just do not match up with what she has told other people. Regardless... she thought that I invited her to come with me so that I could fuck her. I don't know if having a place to crash or getting laid was in her plans but she passed out on the couch and I realized that this is not the kind of person that I'm interested in finding out more about.
Sunday Nick and Gina and I went to Gina's parents house to do laundry and chill. THe sun was wonderful and we played frisbee. We ordered a pizza and waiting for the clothes to get finished. I was getting inpatient at the dryer because I wanted to go to an art opening. About that time I realized that I had to work at 8:30 and I might not have enough time to get to the show and make it to work on-time. We packed up the clothes in haste and headed to the museum.
We went to the art museum to see my friend Tony's graduation show. Seeing his work in a gallery rather than the basement of the studio is such a drastic change. His work often seems like commercialism covered with the grime of the streets. Actually the stuff being on a white wall helped me understand it that much better. I saw a few people I know and had a beer before we left. I made it to work on time and Monique was there.
I explained to her that I was not comfortable with her and the suitcase that she dropped off on Gina's back porch. I told her that I have enough emotional, economic, and spiritual problems to write a book (see: writings by Sean in the future) about and most likely will. I told her that I understood her situation but there is nothing I can do about it. She stayed at Sitwell's until we closed an ioanna kicked the staglers out. I'm not sure where Monique stayed but I know she was fine. It's nice enough now that anywhere outside that the cops won't fuck with you is a pretty good place to sleep.
When I got off work I called Dave and he came to pick me up. We went to a new firend Suzie's house. She is an opera singer and has her master's in music. SHe has the best decorated apartment I've been to in Clifton. We had a few beers and I went to Dave's to pass out.
I woke up and helped Leslie clean the house. I did the dishes while she cleaned the living room. Dave grumbled that we were being loud but we ignored him. After Dave went to work Leslie and I took Brandi (Dave and Leslie's pit bull) to Burnett woods to run around. We walked around the park and down Ludlow until we saw Nick. I hung out with Nick at the studio for awhile until I was ready to go back down to Ludlow. I called Melanie but she was with friends and planned on going home to go to bed so I found alternate excitement: skating. I skated around Clifton going to different parties/houses. I saw Ian today for the first time in like 7 months. He's living in Lexington, KY with his girlfriend the second grade teacher. He has a child with her on the way and seems like he has accepted the responsibility ahead of him. How well he will handle it I have no way to know but I wish the very best to him.
I stopped at the Mad Frog house to meet the kids and had an awesome jam session with two of the guys that live there now. All the old graffiti (see: Graffiti Minds, right hand column) is still up and they added some more to go with it. The rent is so reasonable and the guys are safe enough for me to be sure about moving in at the end of the month. I'll have a place to live and put my four boxes of stuff... YAY!!!
I'm looking forward to seeing Melanie tommorow and I know I'll have a big smile the whole time I'm with her. She's so liquid I feel like ice.
4.08.2005
4.07.2005
Windows open and sunlight stumbled through. I felt warmth today. I felt the sun licking my smiling face. I did nothing and was so filled with everything. We were domestic. Feel good, feel bad at least I'm not avoiding reality. This is real. I am real inside her head and that's what really matters. I'm beginning to understand Freedom in a new way. I am free to fuck myself if I wish but I'd rather be free to live. I like being alive. THese are my thoughts. WHat do you think?
4.05.2005
I quit smoking. I've not had a cigarette in 2 days. last night sucked but I'm doing find so far today. I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Graham took off for Okie yesterday and it already seems like too long. We had a meeting yesterday at Sitwell's and got our schedule filled out. I told them that I don't have any plans for this month other than work. It sucks that I won't get payed for 3 weeks. I guess the first of May i'll have a place with Nick.
I talked with Jeanette the other day and she appologized. I'm not really sure why. She is a little high-strung but I never hated her for it. In fact I let it go while I was still living there. My dad's health is getting better and he's ready to go back to work. He hates not having any money to do what he wants.
Not much to say today. I've been loving the sun and trying to Love. I'm worried about my reasons. What is my motivation in this scene??
I talked with Jeanette the other day and she appologized. I'm not really sure why. She is a little high-strung but I never hated her for it. In fact I let it go while I was still living there. My dad's health is getting better and he's ready to go back to work. He hates not having any money to do what he wants.
Not much to say today. I've been loving the sun and trying to Love. I'm worried about my reasons. What is my motivation in this scene??
4.02.2005
I've never had so much fun in bed with two girls. I blush as they discuss the remote possibility of our group orgasm. We trade reading astrological signs and find that we are closer to the stars than I thought. I invite Melanie to parties that she is already going to, how can she say no. The next evening I hustle my was through the party to set up the movie. I don't know anything about Bollywood but everyone got dressed up and came out for the dance party. We did it better than Bollywood.
"You're afraid of the pussy" Gina yells through the bumping music.
"Maybe I'm just afraid of my cock" Graham replies but I only hear what Gina had said and I laughed so hard. I downed a few drinks and thought about Melanie and what she might be wearing to the party. Graham asks me to go get beer but I tell him that I'm going to call Melanie first.
"What's going on?" I closed the office door behind me so I could hear her sweet voice.
"I'm driving with Dee and Jo, we'll be there soon."
"Awesome"
"Are you dressed up?"
"Sortof, I've got this hot silk shirt on."
"We're on our way"
I grab Graham and tell him that I'm ready. I wasn't quite done with my Sierra so I danced a bit and finished off the bottom. On our way out the door Melanie, Dee, and the blond kid are standing outside. As much as I wanted to give Melanie a big hug, I held back. This kid looks me over and hesitates before he goes in. She told me about him. Rather than telling him she's not interested, she said everything is in the air. Who's going to fall first? Watching the street lights as we drove to get beer I thought about the sky falling.
I thought about missed opportunity. I thought about taking it back. The guy at the counter says, "You're old enough to buy this, right?" I laughed and assured him that I was. He was excited because they bought a pizza warmer for the store. He started to talk about profit and I told him I couldn't wait to get a slice as I bumped into the doorway trying to get out. We got back to the party and I sat with Nick and Gina. Earlier in the evening I passed out on Gina's couch only to be woken by steady rocking and soft moans coming from her room. I layed there and developed an erection while they continued. I thought I might masturbate but decide against the effort.
Gina said something dirty to me and I was back at the party instead of listening to sex in my mind. I'm feeling a bit repressed when Melanie catches my eyes from across the room. Her eyes speak in whispers as I strain to know what they say. We looked at eachother for longer than a moment and she walked to me.
I listen to the rich tones of her voice and I am absorbed by her radiance. The dancing was in full swing by this time and I tried to avoid the blond boy. I kept my distance to avoid the inevitable conversation about me. There is absolutly no reason why she should or would explain herself to him or to me for that matter. It was fun to watch her dance with him. She watched me and tried to pull me out of my seat with her hips. It worked well and I danced more than I ever have before. It always seems like people at dance parties are trying too hard but this was different. There was no judgement among these colorful costumed people and everyone was having such a wonderful time. Melanie explained that she had to get up in the morning for her 8 o'clock class. After a few long warm embraces we said good night to eachother and left. My thoughts for the rest of the night were focused on my intention. Her life is so full of purity while I'm struggling with my self-destruction. I'm very excited to walk the path with her even if it is only for a moment.
"You're afraid of the pussy" Gina yells through the bumping music.
"Maybe I'm just afraid of my cock" Graham replies but I only hear what Gina had said and I laughed so hard. I downed a few drinks and thought about Melanie and what she might be wearing to the party. Graham asks me to go get beer but I tell him that I'm going to call Melanie first.
"What's going on?" I closed the office door behind me so I could hear her sweet voice.
"I'm driving with Dee and Jo, we'll be there soon."
"Awesome"
"Are you dressed up?"
"Sortof, I've got this hot silk shirt on."
"We're on our way"
I grab Graham and tell him that I'm ready. I wasn't quite done with my Sierra so I danced a bit and finished off the bottom. On our way out the door Melanie, Dee, and the blond kid are standing outside. As much as I wanted to give Melanie a big hug, I held back. This kid looks me over and hesitates before he goes in. She told me about him. Rather than telling him she's not interested, she said everything is in the air. Who's going to fall first? Watching the street lights as we drove to get beer I thought about the sky falling.
I thought about missed opportunity. I thought about taking it back. The guy at the counter says, "You're old enough to buy this, right?" I laughed and assured him that I was. He was excited because they bought a pizza warmer for the store. He started to talk about profit and I told him I couldn't wait to get a slice as I bumped into the doorway trying to get out. We got back to the party and I sat with Nick and Gina. Earlier in the evening I passed out on Gina's couch only to be woken by steady rocking and soft moans coming from her room. I layed there and developed an erection while they continued. I thought I might masturbate but decide against the effort.
Gina said something dirty to me and I was back at the party instead of listening to sex in my mind. I'm feeling a bit repressed when Melanie catches my eyes from across the room. Her eyes speak in whispers as I strain to know what they say. We looked at eachother for longer than a moment and she walked to me.
I listen to the rich tones of her voice and I am absorbed by her radiance. The dancing was in full swing by this time and I tried to avoid the blond boy. I kept my distance to avoid the inevitable conversation about me. There is absolutly no reason why she should or would explain herself to him or to me for that matter. It was fun to watch her dance with him. She watched me and tried to pull me out of my seat with her hips. It worked well and I danced more than I ever have before. It always seems like people at dance parties are trying too hard but this was different. There was no judgement among these colorful costumed people and everyone was having such a wonderful time. Melanie explained that she had to get up in the morning for her 8 o'clock class. After a few long warm embraces we said good night to eachother and left. My thoughts for the rest of the night were focused on my intention. Her life is so full of purity while I'm struggling with my self-destruction. I'm very excited to walk the path with her even if it is only for a moment.
