I hiked into the valley today shovel and bucket in hand. On the decent I took off my sandals for more traction. As I passed the offering stone I realized that I had brought nothing with me save some dirt in the bottom of my bucket I sprinkled some dirt and kept walking. It's a long walk back to Morgan's and you must cross the river and water canals several times. I arrived at his doorstep to be told that he was taking a nap. I walked farther and stuck my feet into the river to read my book. I'm reading three books right now. 21 Lessons of Merlin, Hawkin's A Brief History of Time, and Big Sur by Jack Kerouac. These intermingling stories wove their way through my mind as I looked up to the double waterfalls bringing life into the valley. I read for some time and enjoyed the fresh water flowing over my feet. The sky was overcast but it usually is there. After awhile I got up and collected my things and headed back to Morgan's house. He was awake and joyfully invited me in for some ono grinds. Ahi rice and some sort of veggie stuff filled me with delight it was so good. Morgan had other guests so we talked and discussed what we were about to do. On Wed. I loaded some awa (ava, kava) plants into his truck for delivery for me to plant later. We grabbed the plants and tools walking the short distance to where he planned the plants would go. We crossed a loe' (low-e i'm not sure how it's spelled, it's like a rice pattie) to a bank that looked great. Morning shade afternoon sun. We smoked and discussed the light and the dark. I mentioned everything focussing to a grey and he liked it. I told him of my dreams and my fear of moving into the valley. He told me to keep dreaming and the valley will be ready when I'm ready for the valley. It's such a humbling place to be and he really has a mystic connection to the otherworld. THe ancients still reside in that sacred valley watching and breathing life into it and into everything around all of us. The aina (I-nah, land) is always ready for eager hands to work on it. It gives and gives and as I'm standing over this new home for the awa I whisper mahalo mahalo thank you thank you Waipio (y p o) thank you for your blessings. time will answer all questions. My feet are tired but my mind is shining as I head back up the hill. It is difficult and I only stop once for water but I make it. My travels have just started.

I'm changing my mind about the rest of my life every 40 minutes. It's getting very tiring. art school living off the land start a band with my dad sailboat that short story i wrote or poems pomes avec toi late night city walks revolutionary talks guide mind missles at the man. What will I choose?
I buried a dead cow yesterday. Today I go to the rodeo. Tommorow I plant Awa in Waipio and the next day I have no idea. I can walk into a crowded room where everyone wants to talk to me and I'll feel lonely. There have been few souls that made me feel at home and none of them are here. Am I going to be some homeless wanderer for the rest of my days? Where can get get the best return on my investment. I'm feeling old, like my mind doesn't work anymore and my hearing is going just as fast. Will i ever be satisfied with who I am? IS it going to get worse? I don't even know what I want anymore. It's all a dream that seems vaugly in context to something real. I think I'm homesick without a home. I think I'm failing.

it's a blue sky night on this blue sea world. I've been offered land in heaven, and i feel like i can't say no, like it would be some truly tragic existance if i didn't go for it. I'll meet graham in cali in aug. and drive with him back to indiana where he'll drop me off for awhile. I need to be with my dad for awhile before i really take the plunge into living off the land in the valley. I'm scared as shit but that's normal for me when i'm about to do something really good for me. when i don't care is when i get into trouble. i don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail or a slave to money. I'd rather barder my labor for my food than involve any sort of profit from my actions. Although I can make money from selling organic chocolate and other food either via mail, or a horse or a sailboat. I feel like i'm finally going to invest myself in the rest of my life. Make a world nay a glorious life for myself. I said that revolution is growing your own food and now I'm starting to understand what that means. It's a lot of work, but I'll have a lot of time to work in the fields. I'm imagining a treehouse suspended above a 5 ft. miniramp on stilts of course because of the water levels. I'll learn to fish and grow rice and all the vegatables i need. There's a watermill generating electricity so I can play my electric down there no problem. I'll record my music and write odes to waterfalls. I'll surf everymorning take baths in the river at night. I'll turn myself to light... stay tuned.

most of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere amazing that was not where I was at that moment. I look at old pictures of myself and see myself thinking about where I am right now. Hawaii... the ocean... the fire... KAVA...

I feel like a fool tonight. Everyone below is partying and having fun and I'm worried about the gate and the farm and making sure things are secure. Zack gave us all orange tank-top shirts that say SECURITY on the back. I fall over a bench, and I hear someone chuckle because I"M SUpposed to be holding it together. I guess it's all in good sport but I don't appreciate being a mockery.
I guess I'm going to start walking down the hill because I couldn't drive up.


ha[[y mothers day




how does it feel how does it feelto be on your ownwith no direction home acommplete unkonw like a rolling stone

Amanda was updating her blog a couple nights ago and I told her that I don't really read anyone's blogs, she called me an asshole. I read Al's pretty often but mostly I just post here, read my mail, and then get off the computer. It was his birthday a couple weeks ago and I did not wish him happy birthday, in fact I never have. I guess that makes me an asshole too. So in order to try and peak into the lives of others more often I'm putting up a list of everyone's blogs. If you have one that is not on this list please e-mail me the link and I will gladly put it up.
Taylor put up a comment on the music video clip I put up saying that she's watched it 80 billion times and I should be scared. I can't tell if these messages she's sending me are to make me feel better about myself for having a gorgeous women write to me, or she's a pseudo-stalker. Either way I'm glad that she thinks about me. I really wish I knew her better. I mean I talked to her like once in person and a couple times on the phone and she says "I think I Love you." I think that's awesome.

So this week we're preparing for the big Kava party that we're having on the cliffs. We hung up tarps for rain cover and build the fire circle. Tonight is Matt's last night so we're gonna get drizzunk! I'm kindof tired so I might lay down or take a shower. Amanda is having fun except for occassional boredom, but I'm going through that too. My health has taken a dramatic turn for the worst I fear. I feel week and my face is all broken out. I generally feel like ripping my face off. I'm itchy and pathetic feeling. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away any time soon but hopefully I'll get better.