I'm wondering why Graham hasn't written me a letter. That bastard. I'm wondering why the only two people who wrote me were my dad and Stephanie. It's sad that I didn't let myself love her when I had the chance. All is good though and I love her now. It's a short list of women that I love, but it is a list. I will always love Amanda S. she opened my eyes to the reality of relations and how some things are not meant to be. I remember her room in high school. The giant boys don't cry poster and her dark blue painted walls and ceiling looking like twilight. I was laying in her bed and I asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said no but that she loved me anyway. Then she took off for college and I later lived with her for a moment in that college town. I wrote a story in her college newspaper. Now she lives in Michigan with her baby boy. A bus trip to MI is needed.
My first Miranda will always be in my soul not for sharing the loss of my virginity but for breaking me. My high school sweetheart that I followed to Muncie. It seems like so long ago that I was asking her to come to shows with me and her wanting me to go home with her. I would walk through cold snowy nights to her dorm just to say goodnight. I woke up on a still fall morning in her bed with her telling me I had to come look at the tv. A building in NY had been hit by a plane and I wanted to go back to bed. She was much more freaked out at first until I went outside and saw two F-16's fly over. Then I lost it and figured that martial law was about to happen and maybe the revolution had started. I painted a cabin with mountains on her closet door and we talked about living there one day. It all ended for me the day that I wanted to go skate and she wanted me to stay home with her. I went outside and skated down the street so angry that she didn't want me to. The one thing that really made me happy she wanted me to give up. I know it wasn't really like that and I'm not really sure what happened in my head that day but as I was sitting on campus with my board I snapped and then I snapped my board. I slammed it against a rail and I thought that skateboarding wasn't worth the loss of my girlfriend. I went back to her house and got out my spare deck slamming it against her poarch and I was about to set it on fire when she came out so scared and upset. I didn't want to be domestic I wanted to destroy. So we ended our relationship and she told me that she had been cheating on me. I'm not sure if she actually was cheating on me but it helped me move on and find my freedom by thrusting a blade of words into my chest. And then I started drinking.
Cera is the crazy girl that I was crazy to love... crazy in love and I still am sometimes. How a girl can stomp on me several times and then ask me to come back to her boggles me. I would almost get back together with her if it wasn't for the fact that she would distract me from my goals and complicate my already confusing existence. I'll be spending time with her while I'm home and hopefully find her something to do or care about even.
Stephanie is a truly wonderful person and I'm very glad that she's in my life. She's by far the most sane girl I've had the pleasure to be with. I'm not really sure what she thinks about me or the future of things but I'm glad that she's staying in contact with me.
The love that I can't name and I can't have. At least I'm not sure being as she's one of my good friends ex-girlfriends, actually I think she's his only x and he's still super stuck on her. He'd fucking kill me if he knew how I feel about her. I'm usually all for bros befo' hoes but fuck, this girl is the most fantastic creature I've ever laid my eyes on. She is radiant and intelligent with such soft hair and warm eyes.
Holland came at the right time for me. here's a girl on her own adventure, free to do as she pleases and she wants to spend her time with me. The lines have been drawn and my leaving is now inevitable. Her eyes sparkle like moonlight on a calm ocean, she longs for my embrace and I hesitate. I want to protect her, shelter her from myself but she won't have the chance to be crushed by me in person, it will happen after I'm gone. I stopped things with her once toget my bearings and put myself in her place. She wants a love that I can't give her. but for now we can enjoy eachothers company and tell stories, share the firelight like it's the last and soon it will be. THis only happens one time or maybe three thousand.

Oh yes my friend it is that time again to find fields full of memories watch out for the waiting hesitating to speak your voice will ring true let it out lit in feel summer filling your lungs blowing your hair this is good for us to see sounds bouncing around our heads like drum dreams melodies of morning sun rain drop rythym rapping on no doors but pathways to perfection and we are the most beautiful waves crashing creating shock among the moral so beaches in our brains will wash over suburban lanes while they study losses and gains as if it actually matters. We are matter multiple madness mulling over future tenses we would tear down fences because property is theft. Where what watch out for when it happens a million voices screaming for freedom like fat raindrops on cool tin I watch as the spirit turns your pupils to tar pits recycling ancient love. You are a window without walls watching looking through to 3 dimentions makes 4 ways to walk away from infinity sun rise or set backward forwards sideways full days for fun FREEDOM is a fire cirlce with flaming eyes and minds whisper one word chewing on octopi we try to maintain but all that remains is the numb feeling in 100 mouths. You remember beyond your mind and the mana flows like fog across still water. Forever never letting go oil water seperates nothingness and EVERYTHING IS LIQUID:

no stress
no friction
no fractions
just
love and
Satisfaction

6-6-06

Last week has completly drained me. it's only lunch and i just want to go to bed. Here are some of the events that took place last week.
RU-486
Rents
no work
leaving
questions

I was just talking to Amanda the other day saying that I'd like to go to recording school. Then I get this e-mail from Al yesterday talking about this school in LA that looks really good. It seems like if I really wanted to get into the music industry that would be a great place to start. I don't know how long I could live in LA though.

so tired...

Morning Glory

This was taken at the cliffs on the farm the day after our birthday celebration. It was a glorious morning.

Tragic life altering situation narrowly averted by yours truly. Chemical changes eyes strain to see xtc but I was stressed until news came of closure. I was waiting... She was waiting. and then goodness. I was given my life back and then handed a small blue pill I swallowed it up. THe fire danced to house and we, we watched. sea breeze delight black fade recovery. It's in me! We play games with our brains bodies borders barriers breaking down to honest open eyes.

I have been shocked to near silence by a recent development. I don't know what to say other than my entire thought process has been dedicated to the problem with no solutions sets found. I feel like shit and we're supposed to be having a party tonight for Amanda and CHris it's their birthdays this week. I can't really stand it.

I'm sitting on an empty street playing songs for no one. The sun is gone it's not much fun singing to the clouds. I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Honoka'a People's Theatre. It's a crappy movie theatre they only play 2 movies 4 times a week. Low budget place terrible movies. It sucks being this weird white boy people don't even look at me. No shoes 4 paintings with no clues given what the hell would I tell them anyway "It's a conversation I had once" some young people slow down as they pass. I'm a whore and the local kids laugh riding by on shiny bicycles hoping I'll say something. Old man hobbles mumbling probably cursing me in some other language I could live a year for what this guy paid on the paintjob for his toyota. The weather report yesterday said it's going to rain and it's going to be sunny the rest of the week the same. I need a cigarette I wanna get high I've got a 40 waiting for me. band name: photographic love. I see cubes and corners callico wall and a paisley ceiling. I'm tired of this. Nothing here knows who I am. dirt.

the fingernail moon hangs low over Hamakua and I smell of beachfire goodness. We got down into the valley to find no waves and no sun. One of the wild horses came up to us looking for food. Zack decides that he wants the horse and we'll come back to get it later. I'm tired. the kava has kicked in full steam and I'm super mellowed out.