8.29.2006

Yesterday I woke up on a different couch in some different house on some strange street and actually I don't even remember. I had a dream that several people had gathered next to a river. It seemed like there were people swimming in the river but i'm not sure. The gathered ones were either celebrating or mourning. There was a raft with many different woods laid on it. I placed ironwood branches and they pushed it into the river, setting it on fire.

The Magic Numbers, SOnic Youth, The Flaming Lips on stage in Columbus, my friend got us tickets. We leave the natti late and about 20 minutes out of town we are stopped on the interstate next to an exit. DO we wait or try the back roads? Some cell phone calls to the other car that was driving up with us and we decide that country roads will take us there. We're driving along and I'm looking at the map trying to figure out the best way to either get to Columbus or get back to the interstate. Lots of flashing lights ahead and we think it's a police checkpoint. Our not so sober driver has been drinking whiskey while she's driving so the car erupts with near panic. Then an officer with a flashlight instructs us to turn around with his light so we do so gladly. 30 minutes later we finally find our way back to the interstate. It's 9:15 and the show started at 8. I figure Sonic Youth is going on stage about the time we get back on the road. We get to Columbus and drive past the venue twice before realizing where it was. From the parking lot we hear the flaming lips start their first song, the audience cheers.
As we're walking into the venue I pass this blonde dready girl that reminds me of Holland. I see her in my mind smiling and holding my hand, singing. "Would you make everybody poor just so you could be rich, would you do it?" I scream NO! as the rest of the audience plays along and sings yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. The lights and video playing behind Wayne's head is intoxicating enough as my two inebriated friends continue to down beers. Wayne says, "Some people in the crowd have some tragedy or something terrible going on in there lives and they came out tonight to see your smiling faces so thank you for that." The audience poured out joy as he starts 'do you realize' I cried. I cried for Dave and the tribe. I cried for myself. I cried because Holland has the most beautiful face. The rain started and these amazing big raindrops splashed on my face. I lifted my head and spread out my arms the song reached it's climax and I felt spiritual release. I stopped thinking and just felt everything, a man on stage in a skeleton suit wears giant hands giving wayne a hug, it was subliminal. Fanatical even.

The heard of wet hair and running make-up stumbled it's way past us as I held Steph up off the ground. We waited there for our friends to find where us but they didn't show so we join the drunken mob. Steph actually slides through slots in people and we cover some distance being more agile than the rest. She tells me that she has to piss so she splits off and I am alone. This guy in front of me says, "Man if it's going to be that kind of party I'm sticking my dick in the mashed potatos!" I lean over into there group of three guys and I say, "I've got some in the car, but I brought it for Wayne." They laugh their asses off first because it was funny and then because it was more funny that some random guy joined in their conversation.

Waiting on these stairs to see Steph walking by, I notice this blonde girl looking at me with the strangest look on her face. She had this vauge look of recognition hazed over by bong rips and heavy nights of Vodka drinking. She stares and I start to stare back at her. "Do I know you," she says as she pulls her boyfriend over to the stairs. "I don't think so." The guys says,"No, we met you at a show." Now this girl is giving me this look like I was involved in some sort of group sex with her and possibly with her joe smoe. "I havn't been to a rock show in five years," that's true the last headlining act I saw was System of a Down in 2001. She's still giving me that look when I say, "look i've been in Hawaii but you know what I love you both ok?" They walk away and I smile. Then I do recognize a face in the crowd and it's my O.G. Dave H. of the sacred Manor. He sees me first and starts freaking out. "DUDE.. what are you doing here?" "Uh.. seeing this rock band the flaming lips" "I know but I thought you were in Hawaii how long have you been back?" "about a week." we talked for a moment when Steph comes up and she recognizes Dave's housemates, apparently they hit a cop car in Dayton one night and she gave them a ride back to the natti and dropped them off where I once lived. Long Live the Manor! Steph and I walk to the car and there's no sign of Jo. I'm still slightly propping steph up with my arm and we wait. We call jo. she doesn't know where she is. Then a security guys calls us and he says "Yeah, my name's ______ ____ and I'm with your friend here, she seems to be a little intoxicated." "That's the one we're looking for." He tells me he'll bring her to where we are. Obviously this girl he just picked up is not driving so he looks and me stearnly and asks who's driving. "I am dude, I'm sober." That was also true.
I had a rough time getting out of Columbus because I just had to guess which way to go and I somehow got onto the interstate towards the natti. We got back around 2am and the girls crashed. I stayed up talking to E.d for a while until I went to sleep. I had a dream that I was in some muscle car and my dad and I were racing each other around Madison just tearing up the streets.

8.27.2006

I was at the studio today talking to john and just bullshiting when we starting talking about the farm and the ocean and everything that goes with my experience in Hawaii. He asked about the water and I told him about the first time I went to two-step. There are these natural step downs cut in the rock that lead into 6 ft. of crisp salt water. Immediatly you are thrust into another world where you are the alien and the natives don't seem to mind you so much. snorkel alien like across and into the mirror divide. I would wake up every morning looking out on the blue expanse thinking or even saying aloud: goddamn that's the biggest thing I've ever seen! We enjoyed our talk and I came away from the conversation thinking about living in a refraction of reality. Just a small light from the world shining out to the pacific. The lighhouse so far away.

I've been spending time with Steph and having some crucial conversations. I am in love with this girl but can't follow through. I'm just sad that I can't totally throw myself into life with her and not worry about the fact that I am going to leave. I always leave. I've been thinking about that a lot too and how I'm fucking ready to build something that's going to last. Something that is mine and mine alone. I just can't be involved. I can't forget my dream and I can't let go of what I need. I have to live this life for me and I know from the past that I will give up whatever it is that I think I want for a girl. I can't think about love. It usually just fucks me up. I get distracted. Where will this path lead and what forks will I find. What the fuck am I doing in this town. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm on vacation at home. Like those kids in high school that skipped school just to sit in their rooms and smoke weed. What the fuck... what the fuck. Would it hurt more to love and leave or not love and feel the loss. I feel lost and loosing what I should hold onto. My arms feel heavy without holding. My heart breaks because I've been here before. Every time I would leave. Every time missing all that i left.

The answer is now. The question is when.

I listen to sad bastard music and I relate. I watch graham paint grey on grey and I can feel the seperation that exists between dreams and the waking. I am sad that my connections and it's so fragile. It's hard to let go. I want to paint myself into my dreams with all my friends and family. I cannot sink into misery of pre-mortal post conception energy disection collection of fear for the future. I must be solid with my truth. solid with need. solid with structure that I build brick by brick and board by board... alone.

8.23.2006

My head is pulsing with last nights drink. Dave is in the ICU with his skull split open. We have been meditating on his recovery waiting for a positive response. None comes and now I just want to sleep the pain away. Steph came down to mad-town to pick me up and I was very grateful. This is fucked up. This world is changing and I have not seen the movements. I've missed brushstrokes and spit words so conclusive without end. Head swims. mind breaks with tension. What does the world want from me now. What can I do to change? nothing. I can swallow my sad song and put my face to the sky sobbing for release. Please come back to us dave. please come back.