Thanks. Katherine.
Aloha
11.14.2006
11.10.2006
11.02.2006
Sometimes I feel like i'm being stretched forward in time to some sort of event horizon that seems untouchable. Like i'm there already but i have to wait for my body to catch up. In the quantum world, i am at the event and here now and dead and alive and non-existant until i am recognized in time-space by an outside observer.
These letters do not exist until you look at them.
I am reading "Schrodinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality: Solving the Quantum Mysteries" by John Gribbin and I am enjoying it quite a bit. It is taking what I learned from "A Brief History of Time" Hawking and breaking it down further into the physicists and thier theories and what they showed us about the universe. Light is so damn fascinating.
I talked to Holland yesterday for quite some time. She always has some adventure or situation to tell me about. I on the other hand am troubled by being in Madison and want to leave immediatly. I guess I have to go see my grandma today before she gets too upset with me. I have yet to stop by or call her. I had dinner with my mom last night and a short conversation about how being here makes me angry and brings back all the old self-doubt I carried for so long. I reacted to the negativity and intolerance of this place by getting the fuck out and that's what i always want, to be away from here.
For my entire existence in Madison it seemed like someone was always ready and willing to tell me that I was wrong. That I couldn't do it. That I was a 'fag.' Well FUCK YOU and your redneck backwards ass town. I'll leave you to create your own misery and you can wallow in it. You seem surprised that your life is meaningless. You destroy yourself with a smile everytime you exude hate. You and your crack-whores can laugh at me until your teeth fall out of your head. You will know pain when your children hate you for who you are. You will suffer when they leave with ideas you mistreated them for. You will die a thousand deaths when no one is there to watch you. That time after gym class when you spit on me and threw me in the trash, i did not cry, i did not fight, i walked away. You did that terrible thing and it will come back to you. I will not manifest the hate that you poured on my head in the form of white milk. I will not raze the foundations of your cause because you are the fire that will bring it down. you are the hate that will destroy.
These letters do not exist until you look at them.
I am reading "Schrodinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality: Solving the Quantum Mysteries" by John Gribbin and I am enjoying it quite a bit. It is taking what I learned from "A Brief History of Time" Hawking and breaking it down further into the physicists and thier theories and what they showed us about the universe. Light is so damn fascinating.
I talked to Holland yesterday for quite some time. She always has some adventure or situation to tell me about. I on the other hand am troubled by being in Madison and want to leave immediatly. I guess I have to go see my grandma today before she gets too upset with me. I have yet to stop by or call her. I had dinner with my mom last night and a short conversation about how being here makes me angry and brings back all the old self-doubt I carried for so long. I reacted to the negativity and intolerance of this place by getting the fuck out and that's what i always want, to be away from here.
For my entire existence in Madison it seemed like someone was always ready and willing to tell me that I was wrong. That I couldn't do it. That I was a 'fag.' Well FUCK YOU and your redneck backwards ass town. I'll leave you to create your own misery and you can wallow in it. You seem surprised that your life is meaningless. You destroy yourself with a smile everytime you exude hate. You and your crack-whores can laugh at me until your teeth fall out of your head. You will know pain when your children hate you for who you are. You will suffer when they leave with ideas you mistreated them for. You will die a thousand deaths when no one is there to watch you. That time after gym class when you spit on me and threw me in the trash, i did not cry, i did not fight, i walked away. You did that terrible thing and it will come back to you. I will not manifest the hate that you poured on my head in the form of white milk. I will not raze the foundations of your cause because you are the fire that will bring it down. you are the hate that will destroy.
11.01.2006
Nov. 1st 6:46 AM
I called the farm twice tonight. The first time Holland was drinking margaritas and then much later she had gone camping somewhere. I was standing outside of a gay bar trying to get my bros out of the place. It started out late, we got to the bar at like 1AM, but KO assured me that there would be 'hot chicks'. As I wandered around the place I saw lots of gay men, lesbians, trannies, straight girls who only hang out with gay men, cross-dressers, and then us 4 straight dudes. One of our party dances with this girl in tight leather corset of sorts and I swear that it's a dude until she talks to her 'girlfriend' about the straight dude trying to dance with her. They laugh. I consider crying right there. The drag show was interesting but only mildly entertaining. After that the crowd thinned out yet we still hung out for another hour. Many rounds of me asking if we could leave later, we finally get out. The crew votes to go to the 'porn shop''peep show' and I vote to sit in the car. I listen to the rain and tried to image Holland's voice.
Of all the fucking places in the world for some straight white dudes from indiana to go these two are the last two on the list of 'places to hook-up with chicks'. They must not want to try or something because it was dumb. I felt bad that these guys have absolutely no idea how to pick up women. They're screwed from the start going to these spots. I was upset and just sat in the car for a long time imagining getting off the plane and landing in Holland's breast.
I called the farm twice tonight. The first time Holland was drinking margaritas and then much later she had gone camping somewhere. I was standing outside of a gay bar trying to get my bros out of the place. It started out late, we got to the bar at like 1AM, but KO assured me that there would be 'hot chicks'. As I wandered around the place I saw lots of gay men, lesbians, trannies, straight girls who only hang out with gay men, cross-dressers, and then us 4 straight dudes. One of our party dances with this girl in tight leather corset of sorts and I swear that it's a dude until she talks to her 'girlfriend' about the straight dude trying to dance with her. They laugh. I consider crying right there. The drag show was interesting but only mildly entertaining. After that the crowd thinned out yet we still hung out for another hour. Many rounds of me asking if we could leave later, we finally get out. The crew votes to go to the 'porn shop''peep show' and I vote to sit in the car. I listen to the rain and tried to image Holland's voice.
Of all the fucking places in the world for some straight white dudes from indiana to go these two are the last two on the list of 'places to hook-up with chicks'. They must not want to try or something because it was dumb. I felt bad that these guys have absolutely no idea how to pick up women. They're screwed from the start going to these spots. I was upset and just sat in the car for a long time imagining getting off the plane and landing in Holland's breast.
The plan started for a glorious adventure to the city. We had been couped up in houses and factories too long to hold what we had boiling within us. Thirsty for a drink or a firm handshake and a smile. Finding friends in much comfort we rejoice. What's the plan, what's going on? "A party man, a major mansion party." So we flew. Entering quietly we slolwy merge with the booze soaked crowd. I saw a familiar face and a few faces that shouldn't have been familiar but felt like it anyway. I explore forth through the halls and through half open doors with light beyond. I hop into a closet where I find cave dwellers in the midst of smoking. "You're a tall drink..." and she replies, "You like it." Joining the ritual I gain much comfort. Then we spill out back through the feux bloody scene crisp with rock&roll blues guitar riffs pulsing through the house. Outside was fireside and many interesting words were heard by my ears. I'm wrangled into a conversation about digital encounters and what they mean. I trail off into my own thoughts. I smile to myself feeling sunshine when I speak her name. Waiting for my first warm day. My first warm kiss and Loving arms wrapped tight. But I mingle mangle my words. Witness and attest to ridiculousness. Far flung feeling felt out funky style free form fatty fillers time killers karate kick the kapital kat attack get back Kaledescope. I pound the piano guts and make riddums. All sounds one voice. Crazy face displaced from my home where the sky meets the sea.
