fallout

So... Sara and I broke up last night. It's for the best. Baltimore is a very good place for Sara to be but only if she can be there 100%. I can't take that experience away from her. We talked for quite awhile and we were both relieved (i think) and now niether of us can say bad things about eachother.
I took this picture yesterday after I had been waiting for Sara to come see me for like 48 hours. I knew the seperation was coming and my face shows it.

SO last night I got really drunk. We got a large bottle of rum and i drank most of it. I got graham to punch me in the face. We sang songs to eachother for awhile and played guitar. until we got too drunk. I'm headed out to the manor for the first time in like 3 days. oh well.

inside outside

flames

landlocked

hotshop

boardroom watermark

this is right now

green time flow

lava

window

standing in front of the furnace... i took these top pictures tonight

this is hot... Sara took these two pictures of Graham

this picture and the lightbulb are not my images. I edited this one though.

around the studio...

Shelter

oil drips across my face
and it tastes like murder
these generations of working class
are protecting themselves with plastic
perhaps we need something other
than the compromise of debt
and regrets of production
we make it and they sell it to us
packaged in our own flesh
you'll never get laid without this
fresh new face
low carb beer
take this pill dear
it will make you smarter
nevermind the side-effects
or the irritation
of your insulation
we kill ourselves for some Freedom tax
and buy a fancy cage
because one prison is better than another
and this one just happens to be on sale

For the new years party we took polaroids. No... you can't see them. They are hilarious though.

"yes, but with cigarettes."

smoking dogs?

playing with photoshop

box

Every day is special for gift giving. Not just Christmas.

Sara and I are going on a date tonight. It's going to be so fun. We're planning on going ice-skating. I've never done it so i'm pretty excited.
My trip home was chill. I got to see everyone I wanted to see and stayed away from bullshit as much as possible. I stayed at Cera's house for a couple days and drank a lot of beer. She's been hanging out with some new people that I don't know and it's strange to me. I used to know everyone is that fucking town. now I hardly know anyone she hangs out with.
I got to go to Florence indoor skatepark with Micah Bikah. It was so much fun. They're building a pocket with a hip on the backside of the 6 to 8ft ramp.

Other than that I got to hang out with my dad a lot and we played some chess and just chilled. We watched a lot of tv and he told me a couple stories a couple times.
all Love

I'm releasing the panes
the shards and remains
of memories left burning

Ghosts on the wall
through charcoal rubbings
and they found mr. blunt
waiting in the ashes

All these things to explore
and it seems like no one is looking
you're painting shadows hoping
someone will see the light

we take the express
find it a dress
and someone will say it's pretty

I'm getting back in the swing of things here at the studio. It's cold as shit. It snowed today and there's a little on the ground. I hate it.
Thank you very very much Al for hosting my song. Anyone who wants to hear some of my music can save target as and listen. I hope you like it. You should e-mail me or comment here what you think. I'd really like some feedback. Haha!

We have a model coming in for us to draw tonight. It should be fun. I don't really draw that much so I might jump in.

I'm back in the natti. I'm putting up pictures from my trip and maybe if Al will give me some space I can put up some recordings I did while I was there.

Any of you Baltimore kids that have websites should send them to me so I can put up links.

Alex Mersner (sp?) canvas, dimmer switch, braile.

Sara divides space... time stops.

fire in Ian, Jason, and Nick's apartment. El Scorcho!!

THat's right it's a natty christmas!

Sara; again and again

defocused section 2

defocused section 1

Sara and Pete; defocused light

Sara is a fucking machine. She stayed up all night working on these two drawings that her prof didn't even like. She worked so hard and got little to no feedback. It hurt. So now I'm with the shell of Sara and we're at Bill's. I want to get into talking about all her friends (hopefully soon to be my friends as well) but I'll wait until I get out of Baltimore.
I finished reading Everything is Illuminated. Very well written book. I'm still cogitating on my feelings about it though.
Sara is wearing me out just watching her. Baltimore is not for me, but Sara is and this is where she is. I used the word 'is' a lot just then.

I decided this evening that I have officially reached my chemical intake level. It would be really unwise for me to do any more drugs. I've already done enough damage for one lifetime and I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.
This happened when I thought I was dreaming while I was awake. THis is not good. At first I thought that I was IN a dream but then thought that maybe I was living a dream that I had previously. It was strange. Too much.

It's very difficult for me to understand what MICA can do for Sara that some other school can't. I want Sara to be closer to cincy and that's a conflict that I've tried to keep to myself. We talked about it tonight and she explained that this is what she wants. I can't argue with that. I can't ask her to leave here. I can't ask her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I wouldn't anyway. If she told me how happy she was here then I could enjoy it for her. As it is now, I'm glad she's working hard and I'm proud of what she's doing. I'm stoked that she worked hard to get here and now she is. I really like her friends a lot. They are all wonderful people and I can see how much she enjoys their company. It's just that I'm selfish and I want to hold on to her goodness.

I hope that she continues to work hard and she can be happy as well. I think that one day she'll realize that I'm a complete loser. She'll be successful and I will continue to struggle. I may have a future in writing. I am confident that I will write my first book in the next year. If I can get it published then I'll feel good about that. Just working on it will be enjoyable I think.

I'm so fucked up sometimes. I don't know if things will get better but I want them to and that's worth something right? Motivation.

What do you know... I'm in Baltimore. Art school seems pretty surreal. I think about all the chaos in everyone's lives and they can't help but be incredibly interesting people. I'm enjoying myself. I'm very much enjoying being with Sara.
The train ride was fun. Kindof boring when I couldn't see outside the car though. I met this kid from Lafeyette who worked at the same place I did when I lived there. He also knows one of my friends who lives there. Lolli. What a crazy cat that girl is. She's the only reason I would ever go there. Just to see her. So anyway... Will and I talked about energy and the tree of life and silicon. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a complete stranger. I guess not totally strange though since it's highly likely the I've met him before.

The party at the studio was awesome. Much drinking, smoking, hot-tub, painting, skate thrash, gallery touring fun. We had everything looking really nice for the party and I'm sad that I couldn't be there to help clean up. I did do most of the pre-cleaning though so I guess it's their turn to clean a bunch. There were a couple new faces but the people I talked to were people I have met before. I had 3 different wasted girls come up to me and ask me for shrooms. Not only did they not find any but the asked me many times and I was like, hey I still don't know... and then I would distract them while I walked away. I kept redirecting these girls to other people but they still kept talking to me. It was pretty funny actually. The collective painting we worked on was so pretty for awhile until this drunk girl covered like half the canvas with this shit brown color. Then someone wrote "pnut butter" really big in the brown spot. It was definately not the same color as peanut butter.
I had a great time and I think the Neusole crew had a lot of fun too.
More from Baltimore soon....

Set up the gallery lights and pedastals last night. Gesso'd the community canvas we're putting up. Got drunk and talked to John for a really long time. Yesterday was very productive actually. Everything is coming together for the party and I'm excited. More later during the party...

This is at Skatopia. Yup... that's a bus buried under the concrete.

what a great week-end. Sara and I got to spend a lot of time together and that was fantasmic. Saturday I went her mom's house for feasting and the conversation was not nearly as offensive as Sara thought it might be. I had fun.
After that we went to the manor for more feasting. Dave invited several people from his work that I just couldn't relate to. One of the girls said that she would never raise her children in a small town. Personally I think that i'm far less jaded than most of these kids that I meet who grew up here. I think if you meet someone who grew up in a small town anywhere other than the small town then that person is going to have a story. At least they were motivated enough to get out. I know that there is no way that I would be as interested in the world outside of the midwest had I not grown up here myself. It sucked sometimes but I thought it through and it hasn't been so bad. I'm not strung out on smack or crack. That's a good thing.
After much food at my house Sara, Dee, (dee's ex-boyfriend who's name I can never remember) and I went to the GuildHaus downtown for a party/benefit/sale. The dj didn't do as much scratching as I would have liked but he laid down some really good old-school hip-hop tracks. I knew several people there and I mingled accordingly. Todd hooked me up with some beers while we watched people paint on this open canvas. I tagged destroy$ and then spit paint and beer out of my mouth onto my tag. It looked cool and I liked it. Later in the night I decided that I wanted to attach something physical from the party to the canvas. In one of the side rooms were a buch of candles. I took some hot wax and poured it onto the canvas over paint that said life. The party was a blast.
Sara stayed at my house last night and dropped me off in Clifton this afternoon before she went home to pack. 7 days until i'll be in Baltimore.

Sara got into town at like 2am this morning and came to the manor. She scared the crap out of actually. I didn't think that she would show up until this morning.
Even before she got into town I could feel my inspiration coming back. I just got done playing guitar and it was better than I've played in weeks.
I hope everyone has a happy Day of Thanks.
I'm thankful that my dad is recovering well. I don't know when I'll be able to go see him. I'm sure he wishes I was there. It's rare that I miss out on free food.

I just put in a 5 hour day working here at the studio. Woo-hoo! Good thing I've been sleeping for the past week. I'm ready to shower, shave and draw on the wall in my room. I need to get my train tickets tommorow. I'm leaving to go to Baltimore for a week on the 5th. I'm so excited. I'm outside the bubble. I wonder what it's like in there?

I've been having a terrible spurt of non-writing. I sat down to work out a song and was left with nothing good and a silent room. It sucked. It felt good to be productive today though. The studio always makes me feel better.

I've been unable to talk to Sara all week-end. THis makes me sad. I don't know if she's coming home tonight or tommorow. I can't wait to see her.

Hey, it's hard to be a rock-star.

I'm feeling much better. I had a good relaxed day and it was nice. I wrote this last night I think.

I don't feel like writing
it's been this way for days
I've not seen the highway
but I hear it calling my name
it sounds like rain
on a cold tin roof
sounds like a wind
whispering
your name

I'm far from the summer
of fire escape adventures
when home was just
a matter of imagination
now i'm here
wherever that is
no clue to destination
I'm just too foggy
to see the path

The highway is for gamblers
croons yesterdays byrds
my sandlewood memory cries
tragedy on old 66
before that in Baja
sage burning shift
down starlight screeches
and no-where beaches
but anyway

I thought about your
Baltimore bubble
and I need new air
I just don't know
if car, bus or train
can get me there
fast enough
for Love


THat helped me a lot... just writing again feels awesome.

I feel like I'm disappearing. Can you see me? I'm just so tired and want to go home.
Good night darling.

http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/bushuncensored.wmv

Less hair... more angst

I'm really not happy that it's cold.

I guess I'm not going to be working at the telemarketing place anymore. I don't know.

I'm pretty bummed out about the election. I think the american public either got fucked or they really believe that a fundamentalist capitalist fascist is a good thing for this country.

no satisfaction
in the distraction
of inevitability

is it too much
to ask for some
security

Maybe procure
a new identity
so no one will
see my failures

But you know
how the story goes
and my songs
are always out of key

the caged bird sings
with broken wings
to remember
the feeling of freedom

I am the product of
my own production
but who's making a profit
from my thrift-store prices

I spy a red eye

I talked to Sara on the phone Sun. and I guess she's quiting school and moving home. I offered her everything I could to help and she told me that her mother....
Anyway it made me feel really helpless and pathetic. I've been working so hard so that I could share my life with her. Share everything. Be able to buy her dinner. That's my motivation.
So, I was feeling really fucked up about the whole thing and I had the urge to hurt myself. It's been 2 years since I cut myself and I'm not really interested in doing that again. But I thought about it and why I was thinking about it and I realized that it's all about control. The world sucks and there's all this suffering all around us that usually we have no control over. A person can control a blade with painful precision and nothing else matters. It's like negative meditation.

splanzamans

Who sells Terror

You call me a terrorist
while you commit the crimes
You call me a terrorist
your money writes the Times

When your country calls you a terrorist
I think it's time to resist
When my homeland says I'm a terrorist
You know I'll scream with my fist
When your mother calls you a terrorist
Then who's going to be pissed

When
is it time yet?
Now
is it time yet!
How
is it time yet?
Together
Right Now

Do you remember McCarthy
and his big red scare
Well Cheney's torching the chambers
You better be aware

Bush says he's spreading freedom
He shoots plutonium lies
There's no metaphor for contradiction
You better open your eyes

A Dream....

I was walking through a small downtown area and I felt good. It was evening in this town and the streets were lit up with the gentle glow of summer. As I walked I saw a friend in a doorway. He was painting a storefront so I joined him and the painting was jovial. As we painted the color of the paint slowly changed and my companion and I both enjoyed it until the colors turned dark.
A black explorer pulls up and six gentlemen get out and start yelling at us. They tell us that the building we are painting is a Freemason's temple and we have to paint it a certain color. We laugh because the paint keeps changing colors so we really have no control over the paint. They get more angry and I realize that a few of the gentlemen are teachers from my high school. I have always suspected one of the teachers to be a mason so it made me laugh to see him. They then get furious that we are laughing and they start chasing us down the street. We ran and ran until a speeding truck pulls up and out jumps Girlie. She starts running away until I yell for her to come to me. She sees that it is me, runs and jumps up on my chest. I hug her so tight she makes snuggling noises. I look at her and she has this glam-rock star around her eye instead of the brown spot that's usually there. I laughed and I woke up laughing thinking about a glam-rock pit-bull.


A Poem....

I heard about nuclear proliferation
but it seems my nation
doesn't have the dedication
to end it's atomic masturbation

So if terrorists are selling drugs
it's cause they've got people to feed
if it wasn't for all this american greed
that planted that seed
we wouldn't have terrorists in the first place

Now of all the people in the human race
what makes us so special?
Democracy is a joke
and capitalism is leaving me broke

Why is it ok for us to kill
when we've got bellies here to fill
All this US confusion
is just conjuring an illusion
that we have an enemy

When WE are the enemy.

A Life....

I've been working like crazy and this week-end is the big pay-off. I get to see Sara again and spend as much time with her as possible. She's going to be here until wed. and I have to work on Mon. and Tues. but I get off at 9:30 so I'll be able to hang out with her when I get out. I live so close to her parents that she can come over whenever she has the chance and I think she will.
Today is rainy and cool. It reminds me of Muncie. My time in that place was spent so fucked up with different things that I don't remember if I was depressed or just an alchoholic.
oh well. Another thing that I've worked through and no longer bothers me. I've been letting go a lot in the past few months all these things that have been eating at my motivation and this resistance that i've put on myself. It's good to feel good about yourself.

I'm sitting in the very sterile environment of Raymond Walters College. I don't know how anyone could feel comfortable here. I certainly don't.
I've been living with my friend Dave in his house and It's great. I've been helping out at the house and this past weekend we planted some flowers and shubery around the house. It was fun and then we got drunk... which was also very fun.

campfire crush
on conversation
discussing what's
right or wrong
Perception says
that existance is
a means to
enlightenment

The grave I've seen
is the reason being
for self concept
and understanding
mourning song
of self defeat
is simply our way
of sharing

This intanglement
of conflicting idea
when we describe
the same fucking thing
it's the experience
that gives us a chance
to explain
our interaction

Discussing life and death with Micah has always been a great pleasure of mine. He'll be leaving for Paris, France in Jan. so I'll be trying to spend more time with him. I miss my Clifton friends. Maybe Wed. night I'll invite some people over to the studio. I don't know... I have to work so much but it's been pretty satisfying to be productive and working towards something. I'm doing well and I have a room to live in for the first time since I lived in Muncie 2 1/2 years ago. Dave would like to see me become a permanant fixture at the manor and I think it would be the best thing for me to do.
I got to talk to Sara last night on the phone and I was totally surprised at first. I didn't think she had Dave's number, but she's pretty crafty like that. I was really glad to talk to her but she had a rough week and I could hear it in her voice. I got her to laugh though and I think it made us both feel better. She is why I can feel good about myself.

I took a walk today.

Smoke and groove
get up and move
waltz with infinity

crunch crunch clomp
my way towards
imaginary horizons

signs on occasion
of side-car party
with booze and cigarettes

It brings me here
among sporatic ties
on more line on the parallel

THis direct channel journeys
through this part of me
that starts to feel like home

and I find myself focused
on tracks of progress
when I forgot where
I was going

I'm really sorry to anyone who I have not talked to in the past week (linz) but I've worked 26 hours in the past three days. It's Wed. Night skate thrashathon so I'm really stoked to be here at the studio.
My Dad is having surgery on his heart right now in Louisville, Ky. I'm really fucking freaked out about it but I think everything will be OK. He's not even close to being old. It's stupid. I Love him very much and I still need him. Everyone, please think good thoughts about my dad.


THis is Adeem and DJ DQ. Check out Glue
Hey... shplanzamans.

Written on my work folder.

Salty dogs
of evening shade
let them lay
and don't invade
the slumber

Don't let it crumble
into non-existance
it's the reality resistance
that's keeping them
sleepy

The sandman snags
the disenchanted
who took for granted
their freedom
and he calls them patriots

If you are reading this then you need to comment on what you are about to read. Even if it's a 'hey fuck you sean' that would really make me happy. I've been writing here a lot lately and I want to know what you think. All I ask is for honesty.

This world was fucked before I got here
It was your god that taught me fear
when I should be comfortable
not like you
I've got a clue
to the power structure
madness
that causing all this sadness
I'm starting to think
that I don't belong
with everyone telling me I'm wrong
for just being passive
I don't see the TV as a positive
It's seperation and destruction they give
that's soaking society
'you're not allowed'
is too loud now for differentiation
of morals and ethics
Your god told you not to kill
but you can't find enough holes to fill
with women and children
they're just not productive
and they're not standing in line
for their piece of profit
I guess they're just too stupid
to see the cost-benifit of death
And when I take a breath...
the carbon-monoxide
feels like genocide

No mistakes and no retakes
no time to regret
that which I cannot change
It seems so strange
for you to be so far
when I'm still loving you every day

I watch the girls walk by and
they try to impress
but I think of them less
when I'm still dreaming of you
loving the light like liquid
and spinning through the rain

I thought it was a blessing
to watch you undressing
in your cool and casual way
I whispered verses
and sunlight curses
but I've not seen it for days

I have to go to Madison today. I went to the telemarketing job and they said I have to have a valid ID to work. I don't understand that. But... I've gotten so much shit for not having a valid ID that I just need to get one. My Dad's been really sick lately so I really want to see him.
I feel pretty worthless today. I'm getting all tense again and it's a struggle just to relax. I don't really have time to relax though. I'll be working like 5 doubles next week at the telemarketing job. I just don't know how I'm going to eat.

It's so precious
the light in your eyes
all the daydreams and mysteries
you slow down to find

It's the seeking
that's so intriging
the adventure for truth
and freedom is now

In the ways
we interact with the facts
translated and harmonized
through our conversation

Intersept the message
as we create the universe
for eachother
in holographic psycho-spheres

Inside outside
is a close to seperation
as matter can get
even the fused is far from one

It's the sexy
destination we strive for
in our everyday group meditation
for the neusole

Into the hole
the rabbit knows
life is stream of conscience while
the world is shrinking

In the reflection
we strive for perfection
of form or grace
while we can show eachother
how beautiful we are

waterwheel

I went to the interview and got the job but I'm not sure when I start. I'll have to call them tommorow. After Mark and I spent an hour trying to find the place I got there with 10 minutes to spare. The 'interview' consisted of this jackass telling us to read scripts to him and then he told us they would be in touch. After that I went to my friend Dave's new house. He was still at work so I walked around and went to the Silverton Cafe. This place was oozing redneck all over the walls and had a smell of blind nationalism. I ordered some onion rings and a beer. The beer was barely cold but the onion rings were awesome. Some guys were at the end of the bar watching golf and I heard one of them call Chenney a bastard. I asked them if they were planning on voting this year and they all agreed. I asked what they thought of Kerry and one of the guys said he doesn't talk politics at the bar. I said fair and payed my bill.
Anyway... I went back to Dave's house and I chilled there until he got home. We drank a few and then we went to the studio. He brought his theriman (sp?) and made some crazy noise. it was great. I miss Micah and I want to see him damnit! He's so damned busy all the time. Or asleep. One of the two but never at the same time.

Sara. I Love You. I can't really keep it in. I'm still intoxicated by your motion. You're like a star that's gone now but it's so far away we still see it.

I'm currently reading through every section of the Patriot Act. I'm going through and taking notes on articles of interest. What it seems like so far is that during a 'national emergency' martial law will break out under the direct control of the president. It's fucking scary. The difficult part comes when a section of the Patriot act refers to another bill or article. It doesn't state what the mentioned article says it just states it's ammendments to it. So I've had to dig up things like: Section 402 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1842) is amended-- it's ridiculous. Laws for spying on other countries.

I'm going to see about a telemarketing job today. My friend rebecca said that if I show up I'll get the job so that's cool. I think they sell newspaper subscribtions.
I'm so behind... It's going to be like 2 months before I'll be able to get a place. It hurts.

water tension

I'm searching for your shapes in the shadows
and It's nice to finally met you
but 515 miles is a long way to see

Boxed in and confined to the prying eyes
of the floor without doors
bleeds with the mindnumbing drone of television frequency

It's causing mass delinquency
if that histeria sells to the right area
we can see outside this universe

Fluid Dynamics and psycho-mechanics
continue to intrigue the think tanks
while artists flow to it every day

I have to apologize to an 8th grade class in Australia. Sorry for breaking rules on your site and I didn't mean it.
Don't be mad... I thought you guys were a bunch of American college kids talking about trendy fashion. That's a compliment for 8th graders right?

I arranged John's glass in the gallery today.

As you can see I went street skating tonight. I had trouble with the digital camera I used. The shutter was not quite fast enough for the skating so I would end up with all these really late shots. I fucked with it some and got a few nice pictures. It was a great session actually. The guys that skated with us were really good. We're planning a big session tommorow night here at the studio ramp so I hope those guys show up. I'll probably put up some more pictures after that happens. I'm sure it will be a great time.
I'm finally feeling grounded again. I got really freaked out last night and started bitching at Graham. It was stupid. I did get some shit out though and that was good. I'm just really frustrated with my current financial situation. We went through some shit coming back from Cali and it just built up until I let loose. But yeah it was a release and now I'm much more relaxed. The studio has really become a home of sorts for me. I can be productive, have fun, do nothing at all, or sit at the computer for hours at a time and it's cool. It's more than cool... it's encouraged.
Tonight has been really fun. After I got back from skating Graham showed up with Dave and Leslie and Ed and Kurt. We've been hanging out, skating, and ed jammed with me for awhile. He's so fucking good.


I'm reading the 3 pound universe again and I'm almost done. It's some crazy shit yo. Our brains are these incredible chemical bio-machines. Every part is important.

Dave

Scott

mmmm love

THe rain today seems fitting for my mood. It's been really relaxing.
I woke up this morning at Graham's, grabbed my guitar, and went out to Ludlow. I sat and played in the sun for a bit. I got sucked into the reflections off the back of my guitar. I was looking at the sky and trees above me looking down. I ran into Cheyenne (sp?) and we went to Burnnet Woods and smoked. I had him drop me off at the studio and I've been here since. I took a nap in the freezer, and when I got up it was raining. I'm hoping I'm going to get really drunk tonight. It's been awhile.

515 miles from you.

In the soundgasm

Back in the natti finally. Everything we went through on the way home has made it all that much better. We're chillin fresh style here at the studio. The strings on my guitar feel so weird. I guess it's been a month since I've played. I'm electric once again though.
I went out with Sara today and drove around town doing different things so she can leave. We went to the art store and she got this cool easel. We ate tai food with her sister. I got to meet Sara's best friend Dee and she's really cool. She's having a big party tommorow night at her house so that will be really fun. Sara took a bunch of pictures of Graham and I while we were playing.


Alright so...

After we left San Diego we went to L.A. to get Miguel. Once we got to L.A. we got completely lost and ended up driving aimlessly around for about an hour. We finally got to the train station and Miguel hopped in. He's been hitching around for the past year and he looked like it too. I told him I was pissed about being lost and that I'd get over it soon. He and Graham talked and I listened. Miguel worked on a sheep farm on an indian reservation. His story was really cool and it lightened me up quite a bit.
We drove and drove and then I started driving at about 12 in Utah. I drove and I started nodding off so I pulled off an exit and passed out in the dessert. I woke up about 9 in the morning and realized I could see Vegas. Why I didn't notice it when I passed out I have no idea. I drove for awhile and then Graham started again. As soon as we got up in the mountains it started raining like crazy. The speed limit in Colorado is 75MPH and we were going 60 because it sucked so bad.
About 30 miles outside of Denver we hit a big puddle, hydroplaned into the the center concrete median, hit the front left bumper, spun around 180, hit the median with the back right bumper and pulled out onto the shoulder facing oncoming traffic. IT SUCKED! we got out and shook it off looked at the car and it wasn't completely fucked. We drove to boulder got some food and took off for OK. We left at about 7PM and got to stillwater at 5 in the morning. Crazy shit.
I did a lot of nothing in Stillwater. And then I took some robo and layed on Griffin's floor. We had some conversation and it was nice but mostly full of confusion. The next night we ended up eating some chocolates which were nice but I pretty much spaced out the whole time.
Now we're back and I'm feeling good to be home.

I am ready to be in cincinnati. Now. Please.

We've been on the road so long I'm starting to lose myself. I'm craving some sort of schedule or something to do at all. I'm so frustrated and I'm not really writing at all either.
I did go skating yesterday though and that was a lot of fun. Alison took a roll of film and used it all. My ollies are getting so floaty.

THere are so many people I want to see in the natti, it's going to get ridiculous.
Hopefully Nemo will be fixed and we can make the last trek home tommorow.

I never thought I'd be so happy to be back in the states. Our trip to Mexico was a lot of fun but I'm ready to head home. Hmmm Home. THat's cincinnati I guess. I miss my friends. I miss Ludlow. I miss cruising through campus. Anyway...
We left saturday afternoon, sortof got lost in Enscondita, had a great drive through some mountains, and made it to the hostel just before sunset. The party was raging when we got there so we grabbed our Sol's and Tecate and got in the mix of things. A group of about 30 kids that all knew eachother were there so they all hung out together. Us loners sat on the back porch and grilled some chicken. Brian.
Brian has been at the hostel for two and a half weeks. THat was his estimation anyway. I'd say he's been there a little longer. Brian was most intoxicated the entire time we were there. All he did was cook, regardless of anyone's desire for him to do so.
So the chicken was cooked and we decide to cut up and debone all the chicken and cook it a little more. Brain being the drunken chef told us he would help and dumped a lot of stuff on our chicken, quite to the amusement of a couple drunk girls. It came out fairly ineditable but I ate most of it anyway. We got drunk, talked to people, and played guitar until brian said he was going to the store. What store he went to and got sealed bags of grass I'll have no idea, but he did. He said that some people were thowing in to make brownies. We tossed him so cash and away he went. You could start a plantation with all the seeds I had to sort out. The 'brownies' consisted of banana nut muffin mix, chocolate, and our contribution. It was getting really late and so I just cut off a big chunk of it and hid it in the freezer.
When we got up on Sunday the water looked flat and the the marine layer was well overhead. Most people stumbled out of rooms and tents looking dazed from the previous evening. We were all pretty bummed about the waves but everyone headed out around 11 anyway. We struck out north to find this beach that most people were going to. Just as we saw the beach we were driving into some sand-dunes when we realized that we were stuck. We spent about an hour digging and rocking and trying to get Al's rear-wheel drive suv out of this sand hole we had just made. Finally we found some guys who looked like they have played in the sand their whole lives. One guy took charge and told us what to do... if you are ever stuck in some sand let a lot of air out of your tires. So we got out and I paddled around in the cold ass water for about 20 minutes. No waves, cold water, barely any sunshine. We drove around for about another hour and got stuck in some rocks. luckily some guys that were staying at the hostel showed up and helped out a little. We stayed at that beach for awhile and Al went out for a little bit. When we got back to the hostel the big group of kids had left and we were hungry. Al and Graham went to sleep and I cooked the chicken, played some guitar, and got some kids to buy me some tequila. As we sat around the fire drinking I ask if we want to trip. We decide that we would and all hell broke loose within my brain. Lots of sound and swirling flashlights, the fire was churning and I was burning. Money, Drugs, Mexico, I thought Brian was going to kill me. I realized that freedom IN a system is freedom FROM a system and I really wanted to be back in the states. People go to Mexico and disappear because life is less important. Everything in Mexico is cheap, especially some gringo like me.
People were starting to wake up and we decide to head for the border. Erindira faded in rear-view mirrors with heavy sighs of relief.

SO we got back and I slept for 14 hours. I'm not sure what's going on today but we might be taking off for L.A. to pick up Graham's friend Miguel.

Sara leaves for M.I.C.A. on the 24th and I really want to make it back to the natti before that happens. Her hugs are so wonderful.

I just woke up and my head is pounding. Al gave me a hangover-free pill and I think it had the opposite effect on me. It just gaver me a free hangover. We're headed to Baja today until Mon. probably. I'm so pumped about sufing.
Sara e-mailed me and it made me so happy.
I'm not getting as much writing done as I thought I would but I guess that will come later. Everything is still in the midst of happening.

First... I just want to say that you guys suck for not commenting on this ridiculousness that I send out to you. THat's right, it's for the kids.

When people say that you get drunk with less alchohal at higher elevation, yeah that shit's true. I've had 3 PBR's and I'm Feelin' it.

Boulder is really cool but walking around today made me miss cincinnati. That's really weird for me. I've never really missed a place I lived when I was away from it before. Pearl St. here in Boulder is closed of to traffic and it's basically just a brick mall with a bunch of shops. The 'hip' kids hang out there and play music, do tricks, and beg for money. We met these two old guys today that asked us if we had any acid. We talked to them about chemicals for awhile and they gave us directions to this chill spot called Nederlands to camp at. We might stop there tommorow night and stay before we head to San Diego.
I'm so stoked about heading to the coast. Surf on.

I miss Sara. She knows why these words are beautiful.

Is being alive and trying to have a good time enough? It's fun. It is painful sometimes but so is trying to do anything. I exist to flow and to share my compassion with the world in any way I can. I see complication as a barrier to my happiness so I try to keep things as simple as possible. Love, Liquid, Life.

road worn feet and eyes
we pull into town without seeing the
mountains through the dark
the thin air pulled into our lungs
bronchial haze hitching it's own ride

so we step outside
light a smoke
and question the cost-benifit analysis

the slow down up through
leads us to red-rock quartz
where we ignite our values
It seems the trees are focussed
on exhaling purity

so the tranquility
is visible for miles
and every once in a while
we can see ourselves clearly

for the past week Graham and I have been in Oklahoma. We saw his family, scored mass free food from the grandparents, and had much drunken fun.
The first couple days we were there I just sat around and listened. Soaked up what these kids are questioning. It's really exciting for me to meet new people. In cincy I tried to talk to at least one random person a day. Everyone has a story. All these different perspectives that I come across will only help broaden my understanding of existence. Something that I've come to terms with recently is that I need to stop being so pissed off all the time. And what is it that I'm pissed about anyway.
Before we left cincy I did a tag on the studio floor that said 'resist'. I talked to John about it and I was like I'm tired of this feeling. He asked what I was talking about and I said, 'What is this terrible thing that I must resist. What am I so pissed about, What is it that I'm trying to fight. I'm resisting myself and I'm tired of it.' I did the tag in chalk and as I was looking at it I felt like the more I projected these negative feelings to the world I would just continue to be unhappy. I took my water and splashed through the letters. As I circled this now murky drawing on the floor the water bounced little reflections of light back up to me. Had I made something more beautiful by trying to destroy it? Maybe it was the destruction of negativity that felt good. As the water started to pool and move Graham started outlining the water with a sharpie. He worked dilligently making more marks as the water evaporated and he ended up with this dripping drawing of something more meaningful than what had started the whole thing.
This brought me to an interested conclusion about myself. wait... It has a lot to do with Sara Spectrum but that's another story. Sara gave me something amazing... Seeing Beautiful and Being Beautiful. I have surrounded myself with these intelligent, creative, beautiful people. My opinion of art is quite different from all these artists that I appreciate so much. To me, I go to an art gallery and maybe one thing on the wall will draw me in and really make me think about it. When Graham was outlining the water, the experience for me was an interaction with the artist and the work at the same time. How could a work of art ever be as important and the artists' experience making it or contemplating it or destroying it. I just feel that Sara, Graham, John and all these people in my life are far more important than anything they could present to the world through their expression. So that's the difference... They feel that art is expression of life and I think that our lives, conversation, and experiences are art. That's why I try to write it all down.
John told me that it's important for me to do whatever it is that I'm doing and make sure I record it, someone will find value in it.
Tangent=over.
Oklahoma was far more enjoyable this time around. I had a great conversation about compassion with Griffin. Griffin is this girl from Kansas City. She's a writer and we lamented over Poe, Langston Hughes, Kerouac. It was fun.

While you think about that, I'll be thrashing this:

Say thanks to viceland.com for that sweet ass.

The new war is taking place on the battlefields of our minds. This constant flow of enemy information and neural interperetation. Your reality is a visual minefield just waiting for you to see wrong. Intergalactic cranial warfare. Theatre of madness before your very eyes. You think I'm crazy. I always hear that faint TV hum from wherever I might be. That stream of endless monotony screaming and thrashing at anything free. You fake freedom on the prime time technicolor bathed in pseudo-reality. I’m setting up defenses. Filling my wrinkled memory wallet with anti-bullshit reactors. All the outside factors are slowly becoming nonexistent. I feel blacked out like government documents. Only seeing what I ‘need to see’. Whatever I see is translated into the hypothalymic, but what if it’s sick. What if it’s under attack. The frenzied firefight for stability. I saw the reds battle the whites. All incoming stimulus broken apart into the good and the bad. Before you even blink they thought to think.

So my cerebral civil action isn’t quite giving me the satisfaction that I’m looking for. The whites are sexy and live for the love. The reds are the confrontational type telling the whites to shut the fuck up. They shot electrical beams through the chemical seams creating conscienceness. The EEG glow of the chaos above and below show that homeostasis is based on false cases. Feeling good is just a white dance. A ballet of endorphan orphans looking for a home. The reds are the cops waiting outside and they never let you slide. Sometimes the reds win, but never in Cincinnati. It leaves a scar on the universe driving me to suddenly curse at nothing at all. The words escape with a vocal scrape, and the whites retreat. The difficult drives me to create, it cleans the slate, making room for the whites. Oh how they love the multicolored lights and fresh air nights. I try to avoid the Friday night fights on the dirty third. The reds feed off the grit and greed the drunken need to fuck with my friends.

I was wasted

Balance

Jess and I at Hanover College point

Reflection of myself

It only takes one bullet to destroy compassion
Think about the motivation for your action
Right and wrong are just ideas
But so was the atomic bomb

I have the choice to change me
But there is a lot of suffering in the sea
Bubbles escape and make themselves clean
But I still can’t seem to breath

Complication quiets the voice of happiness
Now we find ourselves in this terrible mess
While we can’t explain spiritual interaction
Your satisfaction is ‘in god we trust’

I wouldn’t recommend the service
Gene pool full of piss
Can’t think of anything I might miss
except life.

Punk Rock exists in the hearts and minds of the Dunkards’ Bar this night. The reverb thick guitar grooves it’s way past me as I order a gin and seven. The customers consist of a small group of locals, the bands, a few guys, and a lot of underage drinking girls. The bump bump bass hits on every beat and the lawn of unkept grass bounces gently.
I nod to my friends and bang my head to a particularly heavy part of the song. The nicotine chadeleir hangs trying to hold the dignity it once had. Dance bang beer slang all over the front of me while I sit. Paper towel scream and howl. Beer slowly finds it’s way to my ass crack. I order another gin. A new band with more screaming and slamming to do. There is a lot of angst filled lyrics spewing out of the singers mouth. Spitting the beer stench guitar clench rage. It feels good to be alive here among so much death. When does life happen if we’re waiting for it.
We’re falling all over ourselves looking for something to feel. Something real. Something to steal from those who stole from us. Our songs bleed for anything to trust. I’ve been avoiding the things that I must, do and try until I die… but then what. Now is now and tomorrow may never happen but sometimes it does… and then what. A new day and a new question to slay. Answers are everywhere just asking for the right question. I must mention the ideas presented are so familiar. The burning licks for freedom. The beer soaked sucked creation out of the mind and out to find a place to rest forever.
“Right now is history.”
“Why.”
“Because you and I are both feeling this at the same time.”

The sonic sensation and liver elation at the drinks I down, the drum kicked town. I never thought the natti would feel so right. Social situations never appealed to me much. I guess I just never found the right scene. The drunken swagger and the guitar solo stagger sound so rainy.
Muncie crew knew what to do. That VP cup full of Boone’s walk on over and listen to dance thick tunes. Empty bottles chunked into river flow. Late night conversation of the perversion of the show. We all feel the burn. Questioning churn of what might lay ahead. Just more music of more of the same. The chaste change that might occur, if tomorrow ever happens.



I saw Fahrenheit 9-11 over the week-end. Very intense.

I'm pissed! The Hamilton County Sheriff's Department has my wallet. I left it in this girls car and I was told that the cops have it. So the past two days I've been calling all over Hamilton county trying to track down what cop took my wallet and where it is now.
Yesterday I went to the property department, which took me an hour to find because I got lost, so I get there and the officer at the desk is like "We don't know where it is." What do you mean I ask and they tell me that my wallet was not logged in this cops files or in the property rooms files. Kevin Spedowski took my wallet. His job every night is to turn in states evidence and any property that he may have. Did he do this? Fuck No. I was told that he would be in today and he would be contacted about this problem.
So I wake up and call. "Officer Spedowski will not be in today." What!?? "Why is he not doing his job? Why does he have my wallet? Why is he not coming in today."
"I'm not sure sir but he will be in tommorow."
For all I fucking know this guy went out drinkin' with his Klan brothers last night and they took turns pissing on my wallet. Or this guy could be sending my information out to every cop agency in the country trying to find something on me. Fuck Mother Fuck Fuck THe Man!!!!
Firey Hell is going to rain down as soon as that black leather of MY wallet hits my hand. I'm going to press charges on this cop for theft of my wallet. He disobeyed police code and he probably thought he would get away with it. Fuck Spedowski.

Energy

How many fingers and which one?

Say Thanks to Sid Davis for his educational guidance.

Graham went out of town for a week and a half to graduate.
He broke up with his girlfriend
I was very confused and sedated most of the time that he was gone.
Cincinnati is treating me well, I have plenty of things to work on.
I'm being productive at ACT and I've been working at the studio a lot lately.
My site at mojofat is no longer updating so I'm going to start using this url
I'm writing. I'm eating. I'm having fun. I feel good.

I'll be getting a home again in the next few weeks. This may mean that I won't get to go to San Diego until later. I feel like getting my own space here is far more important than a week there that I can't make any money. Once I get a place, I can be a lot more productive with my time, and I will be able to relax more.
I hope you are all well and as soon as I get a place, you'll be the first to know so you can come party it up!

Wow... Ok so new host, good stuff! Soon I'll be posting pictures for you cats to check out and I'll be updating again.
I found the coolest place in Cincinnati a couple of nights ago. These glassblowers that a friend of ours knows invited us over to check out the space and see what's up. So we get there and as soon as I walk in I notice that they are growing grass in their floor! They cut out part of the concrete so they could have grass in the their space. They have all the glass blowing stuff, a pool/game room, a turtle habitat, part of the apartment that John lives in and a ramp up to the second floor. There they have a 8 person jacuzzi, a 5 ft. skate ramp, and the rest of the apartment. In the basement they are running wire and building rooms for artists. I'll be able to paint once I get my airbrush stuff. I'm so stoked.
I've been writing and playing guitar a lot lately. It's good to slow down a bit and just be able to play and write. THat's a HUGE reason why I want a place so bad. Aside from all the other reasons.
I think I might roll this weekend which will be really cool.
I've been hanging out with O.livia more and she's really fucking awesome. We've talked so much over the past couple weeks about relationships and how pointless they are. It seems you're commiting yourself to inevitable pain. Not that we can really avoid pain all the time.

this coffee shop outside we met
the odds were slim but I took the bet
warm night air fills our lungs
we climbed up catwalks with no rungs

and we chilled and smoked
we ranted and chanted
down warm streets in night air

the stars aligned and we followed our
hearts there that coffee stained air
smoking dim light hangs without a care

and we chilled and we smoked
we ranted and chanted
down warm streets in night air

driving down driving up it's all the same
in this town
those g's don't feel the same here

I saw the sign and it said
keep moving...
that way

Why does the state look like it's pointing
westward and onward
Don't stop here it says

The kids here are just like the kids there
some of them screaming some laughing
but we still don't know what the fuck is going on

That small town drama
i miss my momma
kind of whining and bitching all the damn time

Grow up...
Open your fucking eyes...
See outside your fishbowl

I bleed music from my eye-balls
walking through concert halls
puking vodka in bathroom stalls

I sing like the quickness of a razor blade
darker than a night in moonless shade
I'm so punk I'll never get paid

I have a battle to the death with clenched fists
I don't have tits to get on those guest lists
when it's all over i'm in the bathroom with slit wrists

remember it's down the stream not across the bridge

'it looks like you're bleeding' oh it's just a little scratch
do you think on your way out you could shut the latch
I'm just saving myself from all the failures I'll hatch

it's fine, drink your wine, avoid the sign, do this line,
do this, do that, do yourself a favor
enjoy...
life's too short for just one flavor.

Resting up tonight for our invasion of Oklahoma. Taking some digital pictures tonight. Hopefully have some of them up on either carls site or my bros.

Feeling the brain freeze
like a cock teese
downtown around the block sleaze

come around in the afternoon
if it's before 3 then you're too soon
I'll be snoozin to an ambient tune
walking on a sand dune

sunspot facial features
six legged skeeter creatures
I woke up in the bleachers

of my high school
on my shoulder drool
everyone staring at this fool

I saw my first show at Bogarts over the weekend. We saw Damien Rice and THe Frames. Damien blew my face of with his music. He started off slow and then set the house on fire. It was delicious.

i am a visitor here
i am not permanent
the only thing keeping me dry is
the wetness of dreams

just the term "life after death" is so laughable and ridiculous. I've already been dead. It was black and silent and boring. Life has a lot of colors and I want to see them all.

There are so many things I want to share with you.

DSL is LSD for your Laptop.

damn damn damn...

I'm worn out from adventure after adventure. Can't stop here this is bat country type shit. Sleep deprivation has kicked in and I realized about an hour ago that I had not eaten in like 30 hours. I'm trying to figure out where to start but I don't remember.

We saw John Kerry speak today and he had the normal Democratic election year topics to discuss, and for sure there was some Bush bashing going on. He did say that by 2020 he wants 20% of the nations energy use to come from alternative sources which I thought was very important. He said that during the Kennedy years america was able to win the moon race because the people were behind it. Reaching the goal of 20% of our energy not being oil should be easy compared to that. He seemed sincere and he said that he wants to help people be more involved in government so that our Democracy can actually live up to the name and the idea.

After the speach Graham and I skated and I landed my first wall-ride. It was sweet! We played around at the park and played some soccer.

I met Lauren's Godfather who is a music promoter. He's worked for several different record labels and got to hang out with acts like The Breeders, Radiohead, Luscious Jackson, John Lee Hooker, B.B. King, I can't even remember most of them. He had a whole wall of Platinum Records that had been given to him for his work. We hung out and I got to play this super amazing Gibson Les Paul that he found after a flood! He found this fucking guitar. He called Gibson to check the numbers on it to find out where it came from and they don't know. I told him about what Deric has been doing in Muncie and I told him to check out Wooden Man Records which you should to!

Ineedashower

I'm cracked out with covers blocking the sun out
I've been here before but i ran for the door
hoping to get away from my mental perversion

grasping rasping I need a smoke
i bow my head as they take another toke
my skies are blue today and partly cloudy