me

plastic

strings

shadow

we got lost in space
headed to joe's place
on a spun saturday afternoon
the smoke signals faded
feeling homeland jaded and
mis-communicated
through mixed emotions
the ebb and the flow
struggle to let go
and can never be the same
wash and repeat
grab a seat
the show is just getting started
I've been waiting in the wings
for what I feel is mine
my moment to shine
"a story for all sinners"
I whisper to the crowd
"the things we hold a sacred,
are never said aloud"

I spent the week-end at the farm. We painted and moved stuff. I was able to spend time writing and thinking. It was stress-free and wonderful.

dagwood

table

knife

wax

wallpaper

floor

paint face

stairs

chair through fireplace

shadow these pictures are from the farm

You are connected to me throught these words. When you read my thoughts as thoughts of your own and interpret them, I become part of you. This transends our typical interactions with reality, which are often so passive. This direct telepathy that we are involved in is the root of understanding. As you consume this mental energy you will compare the experience to all of your other experiences and hopefully relate.
Together we are greater than ourselves. Together we are growing and changing in infinite ways. Today has never been before and never will be again. Flux is the only constant. You are now a different person.
Now you can choose. There are infinite paths laid out before you. None of them have ever been traveled before. The only fear is in inaction. You can choose not to choose.

Ocean Beach 2002 guitar string

Ocean Beach 2002..

Ocean Beach 2002.

i

hearts

pipe

fresh

fallout

So... Sara and I broke up last night. It's for the best. Baltimore is a very good place for Sara to be but only if she can be there 100%. I can't take that experience away from her. We talked for quite awhile and we were both relieved (i think) and now niether of us can say bad things about eachother.
I took this picture yesterday after I had been waiting for Sara to come see me for like 48 hours. I knew the seperation was coming and my face shows it.

SO last night I got really drunk. We got a large bottle of rum and i drank most of it. I got graham to punch me in the face. We sang songs to eachother for awhile and played guitar. until we got too drunk. I'm headed out to the manor for the first time in like 3 days. oh well.

inside outside

flames

landlocked

hotshop

boardroom watermark

this is right now

green time flow

lava

window

standing in front of the furnace... i took these top pictures tonight

this is hot... Sara took these two pictures of Graham

this picture and the lightbulb are not my images. I edited this one though.

around the studio...

Shelter

oil drips across my face
and it tastes like murder
these generations of working class
are protecting themselves with plastic
perhaps we need something other
than the compromise of debt
and regrets of production
we make it and they sell it to us
packaged in our own flesh
you'll never get laid without this
fresh new face
low carb beer
take this pill dear
it will make you smarter
nevermind the side-effects
or the irritation
of your insulation
we kill ourselves for some Freedom tax
and buy a fancy cage
because one prison is better than another
and this one just happens to be on sale

For the new years party we took polaroids. No... you can't see them. They are hilarious though.

"yes, but with cigarettes."

smoking dogs?

playing with photoshop

box

Every day is special for gift giving. Not just Christmas.

Sara and I are going on a date tonight. It's going to be so fun. We're planning on going ice-skating. I've never done it so i'm pretty excited.
My trip home was chill. I got to see everyone I wanted to see and stayed away from bullshit as much as possible. I stayed at Cera's house for a couple days and drank a lot of beer. She's been hanging out with some new people that I don't know and it's strange to me. I used to know everyone is that fucking town. now I hardly know anyone she hangs out with.
I got to go to Florence indoor skatepark with Micah Bikah. It was so much fun. They're building a pocket with a hip on the backside of the 6 to 8ft ramp.

Other than that I got to hang out with my dad a lot and we played some chess and just chilled. We watched a lot of tv and he told me a couple stories a couple times.
all Love

I'm releasing the panes
the shards and remains
of memories left burning

Ghosts on the wall
through charcoal rubbings
and they found mr. blunt
waiting in the ashes

All these things to explore
and it seems like no one is looking
you're painting shadows hoping
someone will see the light

we take the express
find it a dress
and someone will say it's pretty

I'm getting back in the swing of things here at the studio. It's cold as shit. It snowed today and there's a little on the ground. I hate it.
Thank you very very much Al for hosting my song. Anyone who wants to hear some of my music can save target as and listen. I hope you like it. You should e-mail me or comment here what you think. I'd really like some feedback. Haha!

We have a model coming in for us to draw tonight. It should be fun. I don't really draw that much so I might jump in.

I'm back in the natti. I'm putting up pictures from my trip and maybe if Al will give me some space I can put up some recordings I did while I was there.

Any of you Baltimore kids that have websites should send them to me so I can put up links.

Alex Mersner (sp?) canvas, dimmer switch, braile.

Sara divides space... time stops.

fire in Ian, Jason, and Nick's apartment. El Scorcho!!

THat's right it's a natty christmas!

Sara; again and again

defocused section 2

defocused section 1

Sara and Pete; defocused light

Sara is a fucking machine. She stayed up all night working on these two drawings that her prof didn't even like. She worked so hard and got little to no feedback. It hurt. So now I'm with the shell of Sara and we're at Bill's. I want to get into talking about all her friends (hopefully soon to be my friends as well) but I'll wait until I get out of Baltimore.
I finished reading Everything is Illuminated. Very well written book. I'm still cogitating on my feelings about it though.
Sara is wearing me out just watching her. Baltimore is not for me, but Sara is and this is where she is. I used the word 'is' a lot just then.

I decided this evening that I have officially reached my chemical intake level. It would be really unwise for me to do any more drugs. I've already done enough damage for one lifetime and I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.
This happened when I thought I was dreaming while I was awake. THis is not good. At first I thought that I was IN a dream but then thought that maybe I was living a dream that I had previously. It was strange. Too much.

It's very difficult for me to understand what MICA can do for Sara that some other school can't. I want Sara to be closer to cincy and that's a conflict that I've tried to keep to myself. We talked about it tonight and she explained that this is what she wants. I can't argue with that. I can't ask her to leave here. I can't ask her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I wouldn't anyway. If she told me how happy she was here then I could enjoy it for her. As it is now, I'm glad she's working hard and I'm proud of what she's doing. I'm stoked that she worked hard to get here and now she is. I really like her friends a lot. They are all wonderful people and I can see how much she enjoys their company. It's just that I'm selfish and I want to hold on to her goodness.

I hope that she continues to work hard and she can be happy as well. I think that one day she'll realize that I'm a complete loser. She'll be successful and I will continue to struggle. I may have a future in writing. I am confident that I will write my first book in the next year. If I can get it published then I'll feel good about that. Just working on it will be enjoyable I think.

I'm so fucked up sometimes. I don't know if things will get better but I want them to and that's worth something right? Motivation.

What do you know... I'm in Baltimore. Art school seems pretty surreal. I think about all the chaos in everyone's lives and they can't help but be incredibly interesting people. I'm enjoying myself. I'm very much enjoying being with Sara.
The train ride was fun. Kindof boring when I couldn't see outside the car though. I met this kid from Lafeyette who worked at the same place I did when I lived there. He also knows one of my friends who lives there. Lolli. What a crazy cat that girl is. She's the only reason I would ever go there. Just to see her. So anyway... Will and I talked about energy and the tree of life and silicon. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a complete stranger. I guess not totally strange though since it's highly likely the I've met him before.

The party at the studio was awesome. Much drinking, smoking, hot-tub, painting, skate thrash, gallery touring fun. We had everything looking really nice for the party and I'm sad that I couldn't be there to help clean up. I did do most of the pre-cleaning though so I guess it's their turn to clean a bunch. There were a couple new faces but the people I talked to were people I have met before. I had 3 different wasted girls come up to me and ask me for shrooms. Not only did they not find any but the asked me many times and I was like, hey I still don't know... and then I would distract them while I walked away. I kept redirecting these girls to other people but they still kept talking to me. It was pretty funny actually. The collective painting we worked on was so pretty for awhile until this drunk girl covered like half the canvas with this shit brown color. Then someone wrote "pnut butter" really big in the brown spot. It was definately not the same color as peanut butter.
I had a great time and I think the Neusole crew had a lot of fun too.
More from Baltimore soon....

Set up the gallery lights and pedastals last night. Gesso'd the community canvas we're putting up. Got drunk and talked to John for a really long time. Yesterday was very productive actually. Everything is coming together for the party and I'm excited. More later during the party...

This is at Skatopia. Yup... that's a bus buried under the concrete.

what a great week-end. Sara and I got to spend a lot of time together and that was fantasmic. Saturday I went her mom's house for feasting and the conversation was not nearly as offensive as Sara thought it might be. I had fun.
After that we went to the manor for more feasting. Dave invited several people from his work that I just couldn't relate to. One of the girls said that she would never raise her children in a small town. Personally I think that i'm far less jaded than most of these kids that I meet who grew up here. I think if you meet someone who grew up in a small town anywhere other than the small town then that person is going to have a story. At least they were motivated enough to get out. I know that there is no way that I would be as interested in the world outside of the midwest had I not grown up here myself. It sucked sometimes but I thought it through and it hasn't been so bad. I'm not strung out on smack or crack. That's a good thing.
After much food at my house Sara, Dee, (dee's ex-boyfriend who's name I can never remember) and I went to the GuildHaus downtown for a party/benefit/sale. The dj didn't do as much scratching as I would have liked but he laid down some really good old-school hip-hop tracks. I knew several people there and I mingled accordingly. Todd hooked me up with some beers while we watched people paint on this open canvas. I tagged destroy$ and then spit paint and beer out of my mouth onto my tag. It looked cool and I liked it. Later in the night I decided that I wanted to attach something physical from the party to the canvas. In one of the side rooms were a buch of candles. I took some hot wax and poured it onto the canvas over paint that said life. The party was a blast.
Sara stayed at my house last night and dropped me off in Clifton this afternoon before she went home to pack. 7 days until i'll be in Baltimore.

Sara got into town at like 2am this morning and came to the manor. She scared the crap out of actually. I didn't think that she would show up until this morning.
Even before she got into town I could feel my inspiration coming back. I just got done playing guitar and it was better than I've played in weeks.
I hope everyone has a happy Day of Thanks.
I'm thankful that my dad is recovering well. I don't know when I'll be able to go see him. I'm sure he wishes I was there. It's rare that I miss out on free food.

I just put in a 5 hour day working here at the studio. Woo-hoo! Good thing I've been sleeping for the past week. I'm ready to shower, shave and draw on the wall in my room. I need to get my train tickets tommorow. I'm leaving to go to Baltimore for a week on the 5th. I'm so excited. I'm outside the bubble. I wonder what it's like in there?

I've been having a terrible spurt of non-writing. I sat down to work out a song and was left with nothing good and a silent room. It sucked. It felt good to be productive today though. The studio always makes me feel better.

I've been unable to talk to Sara all week-end. THis makes me sad. I don't know if she's coming home tonight or tommorow. I can't wait to see her.

Hey, it's hard to be a rock-star.

I'm feeling much better. I had a good relaxed day and it was nice. I wrote this last night I think.

I don't feel like writing
it's been this way for days
I've not seen the highway
but I hear it calling my name
it sounds like rain
on a cold tin roof
sounds like a wind
whispering
your name

I'm far from the summer
of fire escape adventures
when home was just
a matter of imagination
now i'm here
wherever that is
no clue to destination
I'm just too foggy
to see the path

The highway is for gamblers
croons yesterdays byrds
my sandlewood memory cries
tragedy on old 66
before that in Baja
sage burning shift
down starlight screeches
and no-where beaches
but anyway

I thought about your
Baltimore bubble
and I need new air
I just don't know
if car, bus or train
can get me there
fast enough
for Love


THat helped me a lot... just writing again feels awesome.

I feel like I'm disappearing. Can you see me? I'm just so tired and want to go home.
Good night darling.

http://www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com/

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/bushuncensored.wmv

Less hair... more angst

I'm really not happy that it's cold.

I guess I'm not going to be working at the telemarketing place anymore. I don't know.

I'm pretty bummed out about the election. I think the american public either got fucked or they really believe that a fundamentalist capitalist fascist is a good thing for this country.

no satisfaction
in the distraction
of inevitability

is it too much
to ask for some
security

Maybe procure
a new identity
so no one will
see my failures

But you know
how the story goes
and my songs
are always out of key

the caged bird sings
with broken wings
to remember
the feeling of freedom

I am the product of
my own production
but who's making a profit
from my thrift-store prices

I spy a red eye

I talked to Sara on the phone Sun. and I guess she's quiting school and moving home. I offered her everything I could to help and she told me that her mother....
Anyway it made me feel really helpless and pathetic. I've been working so hard so that I could share my life with her. Share everything. Be able to buy her dinner. That's my motivation.
So, I was feeling really fucked up about the whole thing and I had the urge to hurt myself. It's been 2 years since I cut myself and I'm not really interested in doing that again. But I thought about it and why I was thinking about it and I realized that it's all about control. The world sucks and there's all this suffering all around us that usually we have no control over. A person can control a blade with painful precision and nothing else matters. It's like negative meditation.

splanzamans

Who sells Terror

You call me a terrorist
while you commit the crimes
You call me a terrorist
your money writes the Times

When your country calls you a terrorist
I think it's time to resist
When my homeland says I'm a terrorist
You know I'll scream with my fist
When your mother calls you a terrorist
Then who's going to be pissed

When
is it time yet?
Now
is it time yet!
How
is it time yet?
Together
Right Now

Do you remember McCarthy
and his big red scare
Well Cheney's torching the chambers
You better be aware

Bush says he's spreading freedom
He shoots plutonium lies
There's no metaphor for contradiction
You better open your eyes

A Dream....

I was walking through a small downtown area and I felt good. It was evening in this town and the streets were lit up with the gentle glow of summer. As I walked I saw a friend in a doorway. He was painting a storefront so I joined him and the painting was jovial. As we painted the color of the paint slowly changed and my companion and I both enjoyed it until the colors turned dark.
A black explorer pulls up and six gentlemen get out and start yelling at us. They tell us that the building we are painting is a Freemason's temple and we have to paint it a certain color. We laugh because the paint keeps changing colors so we really have no control over the paint. They get more angry and I realize that a few of the gentlemen are teachers from my high school. I have always suspected one of the teachers to be a mason so it made me laugh to see him. They then get furious that we are laughing and they start chasing us down the street. We ran and ran until a speeding truck pulls up and out jumps Girlie. She starts running away until I yell for her to come to me. She sees that it is me, runs and jumps up on my chest. I hug her so tight she makes snuggling noises. I look at her and she has this glam-rock star around her eye instead of the brown spot that's usually there. I laughed and I woke up laughing thinking about a glam-rock pit-bull.


A Poem....

I heard about nuclear proliferation
but it seems my nation
doesn't have the dedication
to end it's atomic masturbation

So if terrorists are selling drugs
it's cause they've got people to feed
if it wasn't for all this american greed
that planted that seed
we wouldn't have terrorists in the first place

Now of all the people in the human race
what makes us so special?
Democracy is a joke
and capitalism is leaving me broke

Why is it ok for us to kill
when we've got bellies here to fill
All this US confusion
is just conjuring an illusion
that we have an enemy

When WE are the enemy.

A Life....

I've been working like crazy and this week-end is the big pay-off. I get to see Sara again and spend as much time with her as possible. She's going to be here until wed. and I have to work on Mon. and Tues. but I get off at 9:30 so I'll be able to hang out with her when I get out. I live so close to her parents that she can come over whenever she has the chance and I think she will.
Today is rainy and cool. It reminds me of Muncie. My time in that place was spent so fucked up with different things that I don't remember if I was depressed or just an alchoholic.
oh well. Another thing that I've worked through and no longer bothers me. I've been letting go a lot in the past few months all these things that have been eating at my motivation and this resistance that i've put on myself. It's good to feel good about yourself.

I'm sitting in the very sterile environment of Raymond Walters College. I don't know how anyone could feel comfortable here. I certainly don't.
I've been living with my friend Dave in his house and It's great. I've been helping out at the house and this past weekend we planted some flowers and shubery around the house. It was fun and then we got drunk... which was also very fun.

campfire crush
on conversation
discussing what's
right or wrong
Perception says
that existance is
a means to
enlightenment

The grave I've seen
is the reason being
for self concept
and understanding
mourning song
of self defeat
is simply our way
of sharing

This intanglement
of conflicting idea
when we describe
the same fucking thing
it's the experience
that gives us a chance
to explain
our interaction

Discussing life and death with Micah has always been a great pleasure of mine. He'll be leaving for Paris, France in Jan. so I'll be trying to spend more time with him. I miss my Clifton friends. Maybe Wed. night I'll invite some people over to the studio. I don't know... I have to work so much but it's been pretty satisfying to be productive and working towards something. I'm doing well and I have a room to live in for the first time since I lived in Muncie 2 1/2 years ago. Dave would like to see me become a permanant fixture at the manor and I think it would be the best thing for me to do.
I got to talk to Sara last night on the phone and I was totally surprised at first. I didn't think she had Dave's number, but she's pretty crafty like that. I was really glad to talk to her but she had a rough week and I could hear it in her voice. I got her to laugh though and I think it made us both feel better. She is why I can feel good about myself.

I took a walk today.

Smoke and groove
get up and move
waltz with infinity

crunch crunch clomp
my way towards
imaginary horizons

signs on occasion
of side-car party
with booze and cigarettes

It brings me here
among sporatic ties
on more line on the parallel

THis direct channel journeys
through this part of me
that starts to feel like home

and I find myself focused
on tracks of progress
when I forgot where
I was going