burn

under

wet

rust

Graham and I had a gig tonight at Pleasant Perk. Ellie called me last night and asked if I could play so I said hell yeah. We played for about an hour and a half and just jammed our way through it. It was a little sloppy on some of the endings but what do you expect for 1 days notice. It was a lot of fun and now Micah and Sarah are on their way here to party. Woo-Hoo.

I had a conversation with Sara about cycles and how I'm really in and out of things sometimes. This is not new to me but I guess she's starting to relate to the seperation from normality. Whatever the fuck that is. It's like floods, every once in awhile the river overfills with it's muck and gets very restless.

bottoms up

I've been writing in the work gallery a lot recently which overlooks downtown cincy.

The thick clouds shoulder the towers of the city. I see flashing lights and moving cars but no people. I know they're down there, starving and itching in the cold. I know alleyways with heat exhaust comfort. I see shining shoes passing the empty bellies. I know cups of soup for a dollar and change. I know the lonesomeness of being surrounded by people.
At least we see eachother sometimes. Reaching out in the rain for understanding. These shoes hurt and it's too cold to stop walking. Don't have anywhere to stop walking anyhow. Maybe a beer or two to drown this shame. These clothes are not much help but they keep the wind off. The warehouse down central is open and you can get in if you can take the smell. shit smell and burnt shit smell. It's dry and no one will hurt you as long as you don't bother them. the junk and funk ties arms to stillness but there's nothing else. I don't care. I just need a drink. a taste?
There's this guy on 13th that sells blow to art school kids. What else are they going to do with all that time and their parents money. Buy art supplies. The only people drinking cough syrup are kids without parents. It's free if you know why. This is a chemical town running on chemical resources and bathed in chemical facial products. The only thing left natural is us, sometimes. If I could buy anti-deppresants maybe I'd feel a little less like killing people for my speed. Uppers downers turn-arounders the only side-effects are loss of individualism and freedom.
But I need this prescription world. I can't be me without this. I can't think to see without it. I won't be free without... struggle.

me

plastic

strings

shadow

we got lost in space
headed to joe's place
on a spun saturday afternoon
the smoke signals faded
feeling homeland jaded and
mis-communicated
through mixed emotions
the ebb and the flow
struggle to let go
and can never be the same
wash and repeat
grab a seat
the show is just getting started
I've been waiting in the wings
for what I feel is mine
my moment to shine
"a story for all sinners"
I whisper to the crowd
"the things we hold a sacred,
are never said aloud"

I spent the week-end at the farm. We painted and moved stuff. I was able to spend time writing and thinking. It was stress-free and wonderful.

dagwood

table

knife

wax

wallpaper

floor

paint face

stairs

chair through fireplace

shadow these pictures are from the farm

You are connected to me throught these words. When you read my thoughts as thoughts of your own and interpret them, I become part of you. This transends our typical interactions with reality, which are often so passive. This direct telepathy that we are involved in is the root of understanding. As you consume this mental energy you will compare the experience to all of your other experiences and hopefully relate.
Together we are greater than ourselves. Together we are growing and changing in infinite ways. Today has never been before and never will be again. Flux is the only constant. You are now a different person.
Now you can choose. There are infinite paths laid out before you. None of them have ever been traveled before. The only fear is in inaction. You can choose not to choose.

Ocean Beach 2002 guitar string

Ocean Beach 2002..

Ocean Beach 2002.

i

hearts

pipe

fresh

fallout

So... Sara and I broke up last night. It's for the best. Baltimore is a very good place for Sara to be but only if she can be there 100%. I can't take that experience away from her. We talked for quite awhile and we were both relieved (i think) and now niether of us can say bad things about eachother.
I took this picture yesterday after I had been waiting for Sara to come see me for like 48 hours. I knew the seperation was coming and my face shows it.

SO last night I got really drunk. We got a large bottle of rum and i drank most of it. I got graham to punch me in the face. We sang songs to eachother for awhile and played guitar. until we got too drunk. I'm headed out to the manor for the first time in like 3 days. oh well.

inside outside

flames

landlocked

hotshop

boardroom watermark

this is right now

green time flow

lava

window

standing in front of the furnace... i took these top pictures tonight

this is hot... Sara took these two pictures of Graham

this picture and the lightbulb are not my images. I edited this one though.

around the studio...

Shelter

oil drips across my face
and it tastes like murder
these generations of working class
are protecting themselves with plastic
perhaps we need something other
than the compromise of debt
and regrets of production
we make it and they sell it to us
packaged in our own flesh
you'll never get laid without this
fresh new face
low carb beer
take this pill dear
it will make you smarter
nevermind the side-effects
or the irritation
of your insulation
we kill ourselves for some Freedom tax
and buy a fancy cage
because one prison is better than another
and this one just happens to be on sale

For the new years party we took polaroids. No... you can't see them. They are hilarious though.

"yes, but with cigarettes."

smoking dogs?

playing with photoshop

box

Every day is special for gift giving. Not just Christmas.

Sara and I are going on a date tonight. It's going to be so fun. We're planning on going ice-skating. I've never done it so i'm pretty excited.
My trip home was chill. I got to see everyone I wanted to see and stayed away from bullshit as much as possible. I stayed at Cera's house for a couple days and drank a lot of beer. She's been hanging out with some new people that I don't know and it's strange to me. I used to know everyone is that fucking town. now I hardly know anyone she hangs out with.
I got to go to Florence indoor skatepark with Micah Bikah. It was so much fun. They're building a pocket with a hip on the backside of the 6 to 8ft ramp.

Other than that I got to hang out with my dad a lot and we played some chess and just chilled. We watched a lot of tv and he told me a couple stories a couple times.
all Love

I'm releasing the panes
the shards and remains
of memories left burning

Ghosts on the wall
through charcoal rubbings
and they found mr. blunt
waiting in the ashes

All these things to explore
and it seems like no one is looking
you're painting shadows hoping
someone will see the light

we take the express
find it a dress
and someone will say it's pretty

I'm getting back in the swing of things here at the studio. It's cold as shit. It snowed today and there's a little on the ground. I hate it.
Thank you very very much Al for hosting my song. Anyone who wants to hear some of my music can save target as and listen. I hope you like it. You should e-mail me or comment here what you think. I'd really like some feedback. Haha!

We have a model coming in for us to draw tonight. It should be fun. I don't really draw that much so I might jump in.

I'm back in the natti. I'm putting up pictures from my trip and maybe if Al will give me some space I can put up some recordings I did while I was there.

Any of you Baltimore kids that have websites should send them to me so I can put up links.

Alex Mersner (sp?) canvas, dimmer switch, braile.

Sara divides space... time stops.

fire in Ian, Jason, and Nick's apartment. El Scorcho!!

THat's right it's a natty christmas!

Sara; again and again

defocused section 2

defocused section 1

Sara and Pete; defocused light

Sara is a fucking machine. She stayed up all night working on these two drawings that her prof didn't even like. She worked so hard and got little to no feedback. It hurt. So now I'm with the shell of Sara and we're at Bill's. I want to get into talking about all her friends (hopefully soon to be my friends as well) but I'll wait until I get out of Baltimore.
I finished reading Everything is Illuminated. Very well written book. I'm still cogitating on my feelings about it though.
Sara is wearing me out just watching her. Baltimore is not for me, but Sara is and this is where she is. I used the word 'is' a lot just then.

I decided this evening that I have officially reached my chemical intake level. It would be really unwise for me to do any more drugs. I've already done enough damage for one lifetime and I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.
This happened when I thought I was dreaming while I was awake. THis is not good. At first I thought that I was IN a dream but then thought that maybe I was living a dream that I had previously. It was strange. Too much.

It's very difficult for me to understand what MICA can do for Sara that some other school can't. I want Sara to be closer to cincy and that's a conflict that I've tried to keep to myself. We talked about it tonight and she explained that this is what she wants. I can't argue with that. I can't ask her to leave here. I can't ask her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I wouldn't anyway. If she told me how happy she was here then I could enjoy it for her. As it is now, I'm glad she's working hard and I'm proud of what she's doing. I'm stoked that she worked hard to get here and now she is. I really like her friends a lot. They are all wonderful people and I can see how much she enjoys their company. It's just that I'm selfish and I want to hold on to her goodness.

I hope that she continues to work hard and she can be happy as well. I think that one day she'll realize that I'm a complete loser. She'll be successful and I will continue to struggle. I may have a future in writing. I am confident that I will write my first book in the next year. If I can get it published then I'll feel good about that. Just working on it will be enjoyable I think.

I'm so fucked up sometimes. I don't know if things will get better but I want them to and that's worth something right? Motivation.

What do you know... I'm in Baltimore. Art school seems pretty surreal. I think about all the chaos in everyone's lives and they can't help but be incredibly interesting people. I'm enjoying myself. I'm very much enjoying being with Sara.
The train ride was fun. Kindof boring when I couldn't see outside the car though. I met this kid from Lafeyette who worked at the same place I did when I lived there. He also knows one of my friends who lives there. Lolli. What a crazy cat that girl is. She's the only reason I would ever go there. Just to see her. So anyway... Will and I talked about energy and the tree of life and silicon. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a complete stranger. I guess not totally strange though since it's highly likely the I've met him before.

The party at the studio was awesome. Much drinking, smoking, hot-tub, painting, skate thrash, gallery touring fun. We had everything looking really nice for the party and I'm sad that I couldn't be there to help clean up. I did do most of the pre-cleaning though so I guess it's their turn to clean a bunch. There were a couple new faces but the people I talked to were people I have met before. I had 3 different wasted girls come up to me and ask me for shrooms. Not only did they not find any but the asked me many times and I was like, hey I still don't know... and then I would distract them while I walked away. I kept redirecting these girls to other people but they still kept talking to me. It was pretty funny actually. The collective painting we worked on was so pretty for awhile until this drunk girl covered like half the canvas with this shit brown color. Then someone wrote "pnut butter" really big in the brown spot. It was definately not the same color as peanut butter.
I had a great time and I think the Neusole crew had a lot of fun too.
More from Baltimore soon....

Set up the gallery lights and pedastals last night. Gesso'd the community canvas we're putting up. Got drunk and talked to John for a really long time. Yesterday was very productive actually. Everything is coming together for the party and I'm excited. More later during the party...