morning view
4.08.2005
4.07.2005
Windows open and sunlight stumbled through. I felt warmth today. I felt the sun licking my smiling face. I did nothing and was so filled with everything. We were domestic. Feel good, feel bad at least I'm not avoiding reality. This is real. I am real inside her head and that's what really matters. I'm beginning to understand Freedom in a new way. I am free to fuck myself if I wish but I'd rather be free to live. I like being alive. THese are my thoughts. WHat do you think?
4.05.2005
I quit smoking. I've not had a cigarette in 2 days. last night sucked but I'm doing find so far today. I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Graham took off for Okie yesterday and it already seems like too long. We had a meeting yesterday at Sitwell's and got our schedule filled out. I told them that I don't have any plans for this month other than work. It sucks that I won't get payed for 3 weeks. I guess the first of May i'll have a place with Nick.
I talked with Jeanette the other day and she appologized. I'm not really sure why. She is a little high-strung but I never hated her for it. In fact I let it go while I was still living there. My dad's health is getting better and he's ready to go back to work. He hates not having any money to do what he wants.
Not much to say today. I've been loving the sun and trying to Love. I'm worried about my reasons. What is my motivation in this scene??
I talked with Jeanette the other day and she appologized. I'm not really sure why. She is a little high-strung but I never hated her for it. In fact I let it go while I was still living there. My dad's health is getting better and he's ready to go back to work. He hates not having any money to do what he wants.
Not much to say today. I've been loving the sun and trying to Love. I'm worried about my reasons. What is my motivation in this scene??
4.02.2005
I've never had so much fun in bed with two girls. I blush as they discuss the remote possibility of our group orgasm. We trade reading astrological signs and find that we are closer to the stars than I thought. I invite Melanie to parties that she is already going to, how can she say no. The next evening I hustle my was through the party to set up the movie. I don't know anything about Bollywood but everyone got dressed up and came out for the dance party. We did it better than Bollywood.
"You're afraid of the pussy" Gina yells through the bumping music.
"Maybe I'm just afraid of my cock" Graham replies but I only hear what Gina had said and I laughed so hard. I downed a few drinks and thought about Melanie and what she might be wearing to the party. Graham asks me to go get beer but I tell him that I'm going to call Melanie first.
"What's going on?" I closed the office door behind me so I could hear her sweet voice.
"I'm driving with Dee and Jo, we'll be there soon."
"Awesome"
"Are you dressed up?"
"Sortof, I've got this hot silk shirt on."
"We're on our way"
I grab Graham and tell him that I'm ready. I wasn't quite done with my Sierra so I danced a bit and finished off the bottom. On our way out the door Melanie, Dee, and the blond kid are standing outside. As much as I wanted to give Melanie a big hug, I held back. This kid looks me over and hesitates before he goes in. She told me about him. Rather than telling him she's not interested, she said everything is in the air. Who's going to fall first? Watching the street lights as we drove to get beer I thought about the sky falling.
I thought about missed opportunity. I thought about taking it back. The guy at the counter says, "You're old enough to buy this, right?" I laughed and assured him that I was. He was excited because they bought a pizza warmer for the store. He started to talk about profit and I told him I couldn't wait to get a slice as I bumped into the doorway trying to get out. We got back to the party and I sat with Nick and Gina. Earlier in the evening I passed out on Gina's couch only to be woken by steady rocking and soft moans coming from her room. I layed there and developed an erection while they continued. I thought I might masturbate but decide against the effort.
Gina said something dirty to me and I was back at the party instead of listening to sex in my mind. I'm feeling a bit repressed when Melanie catches my eyes from across the room. Her eyes speak in whispers as I strain to know what they say. We looked at eachother for longer than a moment and she walked to me.
I listen to the rich tones of her voice and I am absorbed by her radiance. The dancing was in full swing by this time and I tried to avoid the blond boy. I kept my distance to avoid the inevitable conversation about me. There is absolutly no reason why she should or would explain herself to him or to me for that matter. It was fun to watch her dance with him. She watched me and tried to pull me out of my seat with her hips. It worked well and I danced more than I ever have before. It always seems like people at dance parties are trying too hard but this was different. There was no judgement among these colorful costumed people and everyone was having such a wonderful time. Melanie explained that she had to get up in the morning for her 8 o'clock class. After a few long warm embraces we said good night to eachother and left. My thoughts for the rest of the night were focused on my intention. Her life is so full of purity while I'm struggling with my self-destruction. I'm very excited to walk the path with her even if it is only for a moment.
"You're afraid of the pussy" Gina yells through the bumping music.
"Maybe I'm just afraid of my cock" Graham replies but I only hear what Gina had said and I laughed so hard. I downed a few drinks and thought about Melanie and what she might be wearing to the party. Graham asks me to go get beer but I tell him that I'm going to call Melanie first.
"What's going on?" I closed the office door behind me so I could hear her sweet voice.
"I'm driving with Dee and Jo, we'll be there soon."
"Awesome"
"Are you dressed up?"
"Sortof, I've got this hot silk shirt on."
"We're on our way"
I grab Graham and tell him that I'm ready. I wasn't quite done with my Sierra so I danced a bit and finished off the bottom. On our way out the door Melanie, Dee, and the blond kid are standing outside. As much as I wanted to give Melanie a big hug, I held back. This kid looks me over and hesitates before he goes in. She told me about him. Rather than telling him she's not interested, she said everything is in the air. Who's going to fall first? Watching the street lights as we drove to get beer I thought about the sky falling.
I thought about missed opportunity. I thought about taking it back. The guy at the counter says, "You're old enough to buy this, right?" I laughed and assured him that I was. He was excited because they bought a pizza warmer for the store. He started to talk about profit and I told him I couldn't wait to get a slice as I bumped into the doorway trying to get out. We got back to the party and I sat with Nick and Gina. Earlier in the evening I passed out on Gina's couch only to be woken by steady rocking and soft moans coming from her room. I layed there and developed an erection while they continued. I thought I might masturbate but decide against the effort.
Gina said something dirty to me and I was back at the party instead of listening to sex in my mind. I'm feeling a bit repressed when Melanie catches my eyes from across the room. Her eyes speak in whispers as I strain to know what they say. We looked at eachother for longer than a moment and she walked to me.
I listen to the rich tones of her voice and I am absorbed by her radiance. The dancing was in full swing by this time and I tried to avoid the blond boy. I kept my distance to avoid the inevitable conversation about me. There is absolutly no reason why she should or would explain herself to him or to me for that matter. It was fun to watch her dance with him. She watched me and tried to pull me out of my seat with her hips. It worked well and I danced more than I ever have before. It always seems like people at dance parties are trying too hard but this was different. There was no judgement among these colorful costumed people and everyone was having such a wonderful time. Melanie explained that she had to get up in the morning for her 8 o'clock class. After a few long warm embraces we said good night to eachother and left. My thoughts for the rest of the night were focused on my intention. Her life is so full of purity while I'm struggling with my self-destruction. I'm very excited to walk the path with her even if it is only for a moment.
3.31.2005
Death Valley just had multiple orgasms. SO many trees and flowers are blooming in Clifton and everyone is on the streets soaking up the sun. There's a Ballywood party at Sitwell's tommorow night that I'm pretty excited about. Should be a lot of fun, Lisa told me that I have no idea what's about to go down in this small coffeeshop. Dancing and drinking and Indian costumes. I'm wearing a silk shirt.
3.30.2005
you look like a serial code
waiting to be sold
I put funk in the flow
you see dollar signs
when I say hello
You are the target market audience
for this by-product
of my frequency
but what I have is free
can't you fucking see
that we are not for sale
we will not dance
when you play your music
and we will stand
when you offer the seat
waiting to be sold
I put funk in the flow
you see dollar signs
when I say hello
You are the target market audience
for this by-product
of my frequency
but what I have is free
can't you fucking see
that we are not for sale
we will not dance
when you play your music
and we will stand
when you offer the seat
THe sun tempts me away from the things I need to do. write write read wait for laundry. Sometimes I walk past Laundromats and think about my mom. Sometimes going to do laundry was the highlight of my week-end with her. Get out of the house, whichever one we were living in at the time, and I would get a coke. I think the best moments of my entire life that I've had with my mom have been in cars. I remember a time when she would turn down a road just to see where it goes (even though I'm sure she knew where most of them would end up I didn't) and it was so exciting to do something out of the ordinary. She hasn't told me anything interesting in years. A few years ago we had an amazingly honest conversation about living and learning and pot of all things. I was there for an hour before I wanted to leave. Her husband is such a fuck. I have no tolerance for fascists and he's SS material. She bends to his will and he loves it. He is in control and nothing will change that. THat's fine though, they can have that life and I will know that I will never be like that.
I have very little respect for my mother. I feel like she has made choices in her life that forced her into this box in the middle of a cornfield. SHe should be dancing in fields of daisys laughing at the sun. I don't see how she could be happy. I will never understand why she is where she is but I want to think that she's convinced herself she's happy.
I have very little respect for my mother. I feel like she has made choices in her life that forced her into this box in the middle of a cornfield. SHe should be dancing in fields of daisys laughing at the sun. I don't see how she could be happy. I will never understand why she is where she is but I want to think that she's convinced herself she's happy.
3.29.2005
I wrote to David Duchovny today about his upcoming movie House of D.
David...
when kids in france go down the slide do they go "Ouiiii" I got kicked out of my high school french class for that joke.
If I could ask a question, I was wondering what sort of haggling goes on when you are looking for a script, or do people just pitch screenplays to you? How does that process work and how hard is it to get a screenplay to you. I'm not a screenplay writer but I won't rule it out in my future. I just started my first novel. It's called 'the river test' and the metaphor behind it is that every river has a current no matter how subtle or turbulent. The character is the river and he is searching for his own motivation.
As an actor I'm sure you've heard that (or even asked yourself) what is the motivation behind this line or scene or gesture with your face. In Life We can learn a lot about human behavior by stepping out of ourselves for awhile. I'm very interested in being able to recognise the next step before it happens.
I enjoyed the audio blog I think some people were confused as to how you did that. You just use your cell-phone wherever you are and call a number that records your voice to this blog. I would like to know how your trip to Seattle is going. I hope you're having fun man!
Sunday I talked to Stephanie and broke things with her off. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it. Not much more of an explanation in nescessary.
I met M. after work last night and we walked around the gaslight looking at windows and in windows. We talked about dreams and things we care about. We went to her apartment and read eachother some of our writing. 'Honey drizzles down my back' that's fucking hot. We went to the studio because I was going to play music with Graham but no-one was there. I pulled out the ol guitar and sang a few of my songs. It's been so long since I've done that. I really enjoyed it and I think she appreciated my playing.
She told me that she was in a similar situation as I with this guy she knows well. I guess he's been interested in her for some time but has not made the choice to pursue it or he's just scared. Anyway she had a talk with him and let him know that she's going to focus her attention elsewhere.
After the studio I had her drop me off and I felt so alive. I was in such a great mood that I tried to remember when the last time I felt so good. I think it was before the election.
I'm off to work soon and my feet hurt so bad. I really need to take better care of my dogs. My grandfathers shoes were meant for an evening out on the town not hours on a kitchen floor. My boots are at the studio and there's no way I'm walking up there before work.
Life Love Liquid
David...
when kids in france go down the slide do they go "Ouiiii" I got kicked out of my high school french class for that joke.
If I could ask a question, I was wondering what sort of haggling goes on when you are looking for a script, or do people just pitch screenplays to you? How does that process work and how hard is it to get a screenplay to you. I'm not a screenplay writer but I won't rule it out in my future. I just started my first novel. It's called 'the river test' and the metaphor behind it is that every river has a current no matter how subtle or turbulent. The character is the river and he is searching for his own motivation.
As an actor I'm sure you've heard that (or even asked yourself) what is the motivation behind this line or scene or gesture with your face. In Life We can learn a lot about human behavior by stepping out of ourselves for awhile. I'm very interested in being able to recognise the next step before it happens.
I enjoyed the audio blog I think some people were confused as to how you did that. You just use your cell-phone wherever you are and call a number that records your voice to this blog. I would like to know how your trip to Seattle is going. I hope you're having fun man!
Sunday I talked to Stephanie and broke things with her off. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it. Not much more of an explanation in nescessary.
I met M. after work last night and we walked around the gaslight looking at windows and in windows. We talked about dreams and things we care about. We went to her apartment and read eachother some of our writing. 'Honey drizzles down my back' that's fucking hot. We went to the studio because I was going to play music with Graham but no-one was there. I pulled out the ol guitar and sang a few of my songs. It's been so long since I've done that. I really enjoyed it and I think she appreciated my playing.
She told me that she was in a similar situation as I with this guy she knows well. I guess he's been interested in her for some time but has not made the choice to pursue it or he's just scared. Anyway she had a talk with him and let him know that she's going to focus her attention elsewhere.
After the studio I had her drop me off and I felt so alive. I was in such a great mood that I tried to remember when the last time I felt so good. I think it was before the election.
I'm off to work soon and my feet hurt so bad. I really need to take better care of my dogs. My grandfathers shoes were meant for an evening out on the town not hours on a kitchen floor. My boots are at the studio and there's no way I'm walking up there before work.
Life Love Liquid
3.26.2005
I struggled through most of the day. I helped in the hotshop for awhile and then Graham and I went to Dave's. We had some pasta that was delicious and played some guitar. I called M. and she said that she was thinking about going to a party on Ohio. We sat around at Dave's and watched a couple movies until Matt calls. He says that there's a party on Ohio and we should show up. I'll bet that she was there about 4 hours before I showed up. I really wasn't feeling it today though. Graham got wasted so I drove him home and walked to Gina's where I had to wake Nick up to let me in. Now it's just me and Billie Holliday. I've always got Billie right?
Last night the trio Nick Graham and I went downtown to Final friday only to find out that it's next friday. silly us. We ended up dropping Nick off and going to a party on Stratford. Talked with this girl about making out for awhile and did not make out with her. People just kept handing me things to drink and I drank. I was surprised at how drunk I actually got. Gina is out of town so Nick and I are going to be crashing there. There's a laundry there so I can wash my clothes... YES!! I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I've ever had. I was drunk when I woke up and I thought I was going to vomit out all my guts. reminded me of waking up in OB after the bar-b-que with the Brazilions.
Working at Sitwells is going great. I'm there half of the time anyway so it's awesome that I get payed for it now. Lisa is having this Baliwood movie thing Friday night and I'm hopefully going to procure the lcd projector from the studio so we can watch the movie from inside or outside. She was going to have to pay 300 bucks to rent one so I'm sure I'll get payed for setting it up. I'm so poor right now. Anyone interested in my kidneys? They are slightly used.
I'm conflicted by two women. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings for the possibility of something else. I don't know how remote that possibility is. I touched my toes the other night for the first time in years. That's healthy. The difference is this: with S. it's safe and easy and I don't really have to think. with M. I can feel the stretch and it's exciting and interesting. So what's the problem you might ask... S. is really into me and I don't know what to tell her. The whole we should be friends thing just fucking hurts it's so lame. She's been in Florida the past week and she gets back tonight. I'm supposed to hang out with her tommorow so I'll talk to her then. I feel bad because I've been interested in M. for awhile but I wasn't sure if it would evolve. Now I want it to.
Working at Sitwells is going great. I'm there half of the time anyway so it's awesome that I get payed for it now. Lisa is having this Baliwood movie thing Friday night and I'm hopefully going to procure the lcd projector from the studio so we can watch the movie from inside or outside. She was going to have to pay 300 bucks to rent one so I'm sure I'll get payed for setting it up. I'm so poor right now. Anyone interested in my kidneys? They are slightly used.
I'm conflicted by two women. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings for the possibility of something else. I don't know how remote that possibility is. I touched my toes the other night for the first time in years. That's healthy. The difference is this: with S. it's safe and easy and I don't really have to think. with M. I can feel the stretch and it's exciting and interesting. So what's the problem you might ask... S. is really into me and I don't know what to tell her. The whole we should be friends thing just fucking hurts it's so lame. She's been in Florida the past week and she gets back tonight. I'm supposed to hang out with her tommorow so I'll talk to her then. I feel bad because I've been interested in M. for awhile but I wasn't sure if it would evolve. Now I want it to.
3.22.2005
I'm drunk again
riding in fast cars to uncertain destinations
I'm waiting to feel your creations
through context connections
fuck this uncertain existance
in limbo between purpose and individuality
I hear distant voices screaming rape
of our freedoms
the commercial humdrums
such bums
of life and love free
feelings for
forgotten past failures
I'm tired of not knowing
what can't be known
about you and me
and how we see
what there is to be
beating myself with
mental exposure
too long
in the waiting
riding in fast cars to uncertain destinations
I'm waiting to feel your creations
through context connections
fuck this uncertain existance
in limbo between purpose and individuality
I hear distant voices screaming rape
of our freedoms
the commercial humdrums
such bums
of life and love free
feelings for
forgotten past failures
I'm tired of not knowing
what can't be known
about you and me
and how we see
what there is to be
beating myself with
mental exposure
too long
in the waiting
I spent two days straight reading this book on a particular pyschodelic chemical DMT. "DMT: The SPirit Maolecule" by Dr. Rick Straussman explains what DMT is, does and is theorized to be. All life on Earth contains the molecule DMT. THis very hallucinagenic substance is made by our bodies in the pineal gland. DMT is released at high levels in our brains 3 times in our lives. 49 days after conception, during vaginal birth, and at death. Could this be the chemical equivalent of a spirit?
I've bee thinking about Soul. What is it and where does it come from. The subjects in the DMT experiments had very vivid "more real than real" experiences in an altered state. Is this still a conscience state? The movement between worlds suggests that we will most likely return to this one.
I ate mushrooms last night and had a very perception changing evening. I sat and looked at Graham's abstract paintings seeing things that I had never recognised within his work. Today I can see the same things and it's incredible what he is doing with paint. I have gained a new respect.
I've bee thinking about Soul. What is it and where does it come from. The subjects in the DMT experiments had very vivid "more real than real" experiences in an altered state. Is this still a conscience state? The movement between worlds suggests that we will most likely return to this one.
I ate mushrooms last night and had a very perception changing evening. I sat and looked at Graham's abstract paintings seeing things that I had never recognised within his work. Today I can see the same things and it's incredible what he is doing with paint. I have gained a new respect.
3.14.2005
She bought me dinner and told me she loves someone else. Thanks.
To: every exgirlfriend ever.
please do not tell your ex-boyfriend how great your new boyfriend is.
also, if you could stop trying to rationalize what Love is we would all be better off.
On a personal note I want you to know that God will never save you.
To: every exgirlfriend ever.
please do not tell your ex-boyfriend how great your new boyfriend is.
also, if you could stop trying to rationalize what Love is we would all be better off.
On a personal note I want you to know that God will never save you.
3.12.2005
good vibrations
I've been playing guitar so much lately. Graham has this DL-7 digital delay pedal... it's sick. SO I can loop up to a 15 sec sample to infinity. I lay down a rythym part loop it a work on my leads. It's allowing me to progress faster because I'm learning and making two seperate parts at the same time. Fun stuff.
3.11.2005
It's Friday night. I packed my belongings up and put them in a corner today. Stephanie and I went out to my house last night and drank some beers. We has some great conversation about direction and life. I'm becoming more and more interested in what she thinks about. She's typically very quiet. We had a great evening and then woke up at my not-for-much-longer house. I went through my pictures and flyers as per usual in this circumstance. We woke to half drank beers and gentle music while I packed my things.
Last night I sat at Sitwells for like 5 hours. There was an artist who has her work on the walls who also hosted an open mic. We listened to latino poems and longing for freedom. The night was amazing. Melanie was there and we talked about dreams. Melanie is an incredibly energetic person. She teaches yoga and is headed off for some conference in the next few weeks. I wish her well and hope that her experience is fulfilling.
This afternoon Stephanie and I met up with some other kids and had chinese food at the Florence Mall. I am most repulsed by malls in general. Actually any gathering of commerce crazed rednecks is quite agitating for me. THe place wasn't that crowded though and we left in short order. The food was mediocre but quality for mall-food I guess. We drove and smoked and found our way back to Clifton. We stopped at Melissa's and chilled for awhile before going to this keg party we had been hearing about. A few guys came in who looked very out of place and one was giving off heavy wasted vibes. I turned to look at him and when our eyes met I asked him "Are you on hallucinagens man, your pupils are the size of this room." He was not happy about this question and blew me off. His friend in a blue button up shit and tie turned to me and gave me this shitty look. I asked him what he was doing and he told me about his frat and that he is in the marines and wants to fly F-18's. We discussed war and geo-central political strategy and how we are all people. I expressed my distain for war and I asked him to think about what this country is really fighting for. Hopefully I gave him reason to question but I doubt it. We ventured out to this kegger-frat-boy-fuck party on Stratford that was far to crowded for fire code. I looked around at the drunken foolery that was taking place and decided that getting out was nescessary. We walked the 3 short blocks back to base and looked for gin-drunk girls' wallet. Had a few more beers and a couple pizza's knocked us out. Steph dropped me off at the studio and I'll be passing out soon.
Eric's parents are in town and he's going to be blowing glass tommorow so I have to be up early. It's been a great couple of days and I'm looking forward to waking up tommorow well rested.
Last night I sat at Sitwells for like 5 hours. There was an artist who has her work on the walls who also hosted an open mic. We listened to latino poems and longing for freedom. The night was amazing. Melanie was there and we talked about dreams. Melanie is an incredibly energetic person. She teaches yoga and is headed off for some conference in the next few weeks. I wish her well and hope that her experience is fulfilling.
This afternoon Stephanie and I met up with some other kids and had chinese food at the Florence Mall. I am most repulsed by malls in general. Actually any gathering of commerce crazed rednecks is quite agitating for me. THe place wasn't that crowded though and we left in short order. The food was mediocre but quality for mall-food I guess. We drove and smoked and found our way back to Clifton. We stopped at Melissa's and chilled for awhile before going to this keg party we had been hearing about. A few guys came in who looked very out of place and one was giving off heavy wasted vibes. I turned to look at him and when our eyes met I asked him "Are you on hallucinagens man, your pupils are the size of this room." He was not happy about this question and blew me off. His friend in a blue button up shit and tie turned to me and gave me this shitty look. I asked him what he was doing and he told me about his frat and that he is in the marines and wants to fly F-18's. We discussed war and geo-central political strategy and how we are all people. I expressed my distain for war and I asked him to think about what this country is really fighting for. Hopefully I gave him reason to question but I doubt it. We ventured out to this kegger-frat-boy-fuck party on Stratford that was far to crowded for fire code. I looked around at the drunken foolery that was taking place and decided that getting out was nescessary. We walked the 3 short blocks back to base and looked for gin-drunk girls' wallet. Had a few more beers and a couple pizza's knocked us out. Steph dropped me off at the studio and I'll be passing out soon.
Eric's parents are in town and he's going to be blowing glass tommorow so I have to be up early. It's been a great couple of days and I'm looking forward to waking up tommorow well rested.
3.07.2005
I’m destroying myself with scribbles and rants on coffeehouse napkins. I’ll leave it to find some observant home in open hands. What sort of madman life am I leading… I do care. More than myself is out there waiting for recognition. On walks through towns I find that I have no place to go but flow pen memories and failed relations. It’s fine that you feel that way but maybe we’ll change our minds. I’m moving for me and the surfs up so where do you think I’ll be.
Light a cig - stop smoking
Catch a breath - stop choking
Get a room – stop joking
Brain leak – don’t freak
seek seek seek
Sara and I met at Sitwells today. Neutral territory. I think we both thought that it might not be such a wonderful conversation. I was quite relieved to find out that we are both doing what is right for us. So I’m not as much of an asshole as I thought. We talked about school and she’s decided that she wants to get her masters and teach photo to college kids. That’s really exciting. I know she’ll make a teacher and the experiences she will be able to have are profound.
I complicated things in my head. I guess I just wanted an affirmation of my actions. We both needed to let go and I think we both have. It’s amazing to be able to talk with her as friends. I’m not hurting anymore. I can move on down the road now.
I’m planning a hitch-hiking trip to Skatopia in the next few months. I think the first week there are leaves on the trees I’m going to pack up and go. I’m going to stop smoking. If I don’t stop smoking I’m not going to Skatopia. It will be the perfect reward for myself. I just can’t skate anymore unless I can breath well for hours at a time. My average timespan on the ramp is like an hour. It should be more like 4 hours. I used to spend 6 hours at the Louisville park no problem. I’ve been working on being more healthy and it’s showing already. I’ve been stretching every day and I can feel myself getting more flexable.
Light a cig - stop smoking
Catch a breath - stop choking
Get a room – stop joking
Brain leak – don’t freak
seek seek seek
Sara and I met at Sitwells today. Neutral territory. I think we both thought that it might not be such a wonderful conversation. I was quite relieved to find out that we are both doing what is right for us. So I’m not as much of an asshole as I thought. We talked about school and she’s decided that she wants to get her masters and teach photo to college kids. That’s really exciting. I know she’ll make a teacher and the experiences she will be able to have are profound.
I complicated things in my head. I guess I just wanted an affirmation of my actions. We both needed to let go and I think we both have. It’s amazing to be able to talk with her as friends. I’m not hurting anymore. I can move on down the road now.
I’m planning a hitch-hiking trip to Skatopia in the next few months. I think the first week there are leaves on the trees I’m going to pack up and go. I’m going to stop smoking. If I don’t stop smoking I’m not going to Skatopia. It will be the perfect reward for myself. I just can’t skate anymore unless I can breath well for hours at a time. My average timespan on the ramp is like an hour. It should be more like 4 hours. I used to spend 6 hours at the Louisville park no problem. I’ve been working on being more healthy and it’s showing already. I’ve been stretching every day and I can feel myself getting more flexable.
3.06.2005
3.05.2005
what did I do last night. Stephanie stopped in at the studio and she told me about the different parties that were going to happen. Todd and Johanna met us and we went to ky to get beer. The drive was beat filled in the back of the scion while we smoked. We drove around for awhile and stopped at this apartment complex. The guys at the door both had name tags on and I asked them if I could have one. Dr. Winston O'Boogie. Apparently one of the guys friends screen-name is that and none of them knew why. We had shots and I watched drunk girls wander around. THe party was low-key but very enjoyable. About midnight I tried to get everyone together to leave but more shots were consumed first. Back on the road and back to Clifton to another party. One of the JJ kids was there and I found out that he lived there. Clifton gets like that some nights, people just wander into parties and they ask who lives there. Graham and I talked to this guy who is a mathmatition for a good hour and we didn't even notice that everyone else at the party had left. We went to KB's and I passed out.
I actually woke up this morning to come assist in the hotshop. It's been a good day so-far.
I actually woke up this morning to come assist in the hotshop. It's been a good day so-far.
3.04.2005
too many girls... not enough Sean. Sara comes home this week-end and I have to tell her everything. I have to tell her that I stopped waiting for her. I just hope she hasn't been waiting for me. I have to tell her that I'm going on with things and that she is no longer the focus of my life. I still Love her.
I'm finding new people to grow with and understand in different ways. I am in cincinnati and I am going to enjoy it. The past week I've been going out more and seeing what this town has to offer. So far I've had some really interesting conversations and heard some fucked up stories, but that's what I Love.
I am waking up from my winter hybernation. I'm rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and after a good stretch I'll be set for spring.
I'm finding new people to grow with and understand in different ways. I am in cincinnati and I am going to enjoy it. The past week I've been going out more and seeing what this town has to offer. So far I've had some really interesting conversations and heard some fucked up stories, but that's what I Love.
I am waking up from my winter hybernation. I'm rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and after a good stretch I'll be set for spring.
3.01.2005
“I have really good news.”
“What’s up?”
“You should just come over, because you should.”
Sat. morning I walked to sitwell’s from the studio and it was actually nice out. I had Gina’s phone from the night before and I knew Nick was at work so I figured I would go see him.
I have not walked through Clifton is so long. When I worked at the ghetto pizza place I would skate home through U.C. and then through Burnet Woods. I can’t wait until this summer so I can go street skating again. I really want to take more photos this season. Since my camera got stolen a year ago I have not been able to.
So I got to Sitwell’s and Nick looked like he was having a rough time. He wasn’t going to get off of work for another few hours so I decided to walk to Gina’s. She wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like walking back to Ludlow so I took a nap on her roof. The sun was out and it felt great on my face as I thought about the night before. I smoked a cigarette and walked again. Gina was there so I sat down with her and we played cards. I think Gina has amazing control. She owns her life and is so relaxed.
We table swapped for a while and I noticed this cute blonde girl with a laptop. She would type spontaneously and laugh to herself. Her smile was radiant. Another table swap later I saw that she was doing the same thing I do everyday when I get online. Checking out people’s blogs, updating mine, check the e-mail, see what’s in the news, write some stuff, check the e-mail….
Nick sat down with us and had a beer after he was done working. I tempted him with green delight and we were out the door. We lazed about at Gina’s apartment and listened to music.
I told Nick that if I didn’t take a shower soon I was going to melt. Gina said that she wanted to go to Wild Oats so she would take me home. I talked to Dave for a short time and took a well-deserved shower. I feel really bad about Dave. He’s buying his house and so he has these serious responsibilities. He works really hard, goes to school full time, and he works on plays quite often. Even when I spent a lot of time at the manor I would rarely see him. I’ve not been avoiding going there but I just know I owe Dave money and I feel bad about it. I want to hang out with him but I don’t have that much fun at the house. I don’t do anything in Silverton. I usually just want to hang out in Clifton so why should I live so far away when I can’t get back and forth. It’s just not working for me. I think Dave’s awesome and I have a lot of respect for him. I would rather be able to hang out with him and have fun than think about the money.
Nick and Gina came back to pick me up and we were off to the studio. When we got there Graham had used his magic skill to find us some golden teachers. I immediately gathered the tribe and had plans laid out for the evening. I went to KB’s and Graham went to Davers. There was talk of a punk house party not far from c-town so we all got ready to go. We had our speanut butter sandwich’s and found our way to the party. I was holding back on my brain to see if everyone else was going to be alright and right as I was starting to let it soak in the girls say they want to leave. I saw a few people I knew and I few strangers who recognized me somehow. This one girl kept staring at me. I think that there are a lot of kids in Cincinnati who sit around on their computers and look at other people who live in cincy… or maybe I’m an insane loser. Anyway, I often see people on Ludlow and around town who’s blog’s I’ve read or Friendster profile I’ve seen. Seeing strangers again gets complicated when you’ve read their words and then you see them at the table across from you in a burrito place. Parties are much of the same except more densely packed with people you are slightly familiar with.
As Kurt and I were standing by the day he walked over to me and said, “That wall is really far away and visual.” In the background Teenage Wasteland kicks in and 20 kids instantaneously gets more intoxicated because of it. It hits me as I start jumping up and down screaming the lyrics.
Out the door and down the road back to KB’s. Todd busted out some glow sticks while we were driving and everyone in the car encouraged him to wait. We waited at the house for Kurt and Becca to get back and we were all glad to be back. Once everyone was back I relaxed and let the myself feel the haze. As we listened to Radiohead and sat back the blue fog around my peripheral vision exploded turning the entire room a rainforest green.
Todd broke one of the glowsticks into the sink and let in run down the sides. The metal reflected the glow substance so everyone looking at it had off blue large pupils.
I lay down and think funny things while people talked around me. I spooned and watched the sunlight trickle in the window. I slept and slept some more.
“What’s up?”
“You should just come over, because you should.”
Sat. morning I walked to sitwell’s from the studio and it was actually nice out. I had Gina’s phone from the night before and I knew Nick was at work so I figured I would go see him.
I have not walked through Clifton is so long. When I worked at the ghetto pizza place I would skate home through U.C. and then through Burnet Woods. I can’t wait until this summer so I can go street skating again. I really want to take more photos this season. Since my camera got stolen a year ago I have not been able to.
So I got to Sitwell’s and Nick looked like he was having a rough time. He wasn’t going to get off of work for another few hours so I decided to walk to Gina’s. She wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like walking back to Ludlow so I took a nap on her roof. The sun was out and it felt great on my face as I thought about the night before. I smoked a cigarette and walked again. Gina was there so I sat down with her and we played cards. I think Gina has amazing control. She owns her life and is so relaxed.
We table swapped for a while and I noticed this cute blonde girl with a laptop. She would type spontaneously and laugh to herself. Her smile was radiant. Another table swap later I saw that she was doing the same thing I do everyday when I get online. Checking out people’s blogs, updating mine, check the e-mail, see what’s in the news, write some stuff, check the e-mail….
Nick sat down with us and had a beer after he was done working. I tempted him with green delight and we were out the door. We lazed about at Gina’s apartment and listened to music.
I told Nick that if I didn’t take a shower soon I was going to melt. Gina said that she wanted to go to Wild Oats so she would take me home. I talked to Dave for a short time and took a well-deserved shower. I feel really bad about Dave. He’s buying his house and so he has these serious responsibilities. He works really hard, goes to school full time, and he works on plays quite often. Even when I spent a lot of time at the manor I would rarely see him. I’ve not been avoiding going there but I just know I owe Dave money and I feel bad about it. I want to hang out with him but I don’t have that much fun at the house. I don’t do anything in Silverton. I usually just want to hang out in Clifton so why should I live so far away when I can’t get back and forth. It’s just not working for me. I think Dave’s awesome and I have a lot of respect for him. I would rather be able to hang out with him and have fun than think about the money.
Nick and Gina came back to pick me up and we were off to the studio. When we got there Graham had used his magic skill to find us some golden teachers. I immediately gathered the tribe and had plans laid out for the evening. I went to KB’s and Graham went to Davers. There was talk of a punk house party not far from c-town so we all got ready to go. We had our speanut butter sandwich’s and found our way to the party. I was holding back on my brain to see if everyone else was going to be alright and right as I was starting to let it soak in the girls say they want to leave. I saw a few people I knew and I few strangers who recognized me somehow. This one girl kept staring at me. I think that there are a lot of kids in Cincinnati who sit around on their computers and look at other people who live in cincy… or maybe I’m an insane loser. Anyway, I often see people on Ludlow and around town who’s blog’s I’ve read or Friendster profile I’ve seen. Seeing strangers again gets complicated when you’ve read their words and then you see them at the table across from you in a burrito place. Parties are much of the same except more densely packed with people you are slightly familiar with.
As Kurt and I were standing by the day he walked over to me and said, “That wall is really far away and visual.” In the background Teenage Wasteland kicks in and 20 kids instantaneously gets more intoxicated because of it. It hits me as I start jumping up and down screaming the lyrics.
Out the door and down the road back to KB’s. Todd busted out some glow sticks while we were driving and everyone in the car encouraged him to wait. We waited at the house for Kurt and Becca to get back and we were all glad to be back. Once everyone was back I relaxed and let the myself feel the haze. As we listened to Radiohead and sat back the blue fog around my peripheral vision exploded turning the entire room a rainforest green.
Todd broke one of the glowsticks into the sink and let in run down the sides. The metal reflected the glow substance so everyone looking at it had off blue large pupils.
I lay down and think funny things while people talked around me. I spooned and watched the sunlight trickle in the window. I slept and slept some more.
2.28.2005
Friday night was awesome. After some miscommunication with Graham; Gina, Nick and I headed for the evenings events downtown. We stopped at Reid’s opening first and not much was going on. We left Gina’s car on 13th and walked to Main. Looking around at the scene of Main st. on a Friday night was quite exciting. Many people were out looking for a fun time and I would say that most found something to satisfy. Our crew jumped at the first sign of activity which was InkTank. The first room in the place is a shop where I really wanted to buy a t-shirt but everything else was junk. We found a spot on a well placed couch and watched as people meandered through looking just as lost as we felt. I tried to find things that the majority of people in the room would never look at. I noticed that the chair close to me had a ring on the arm-rest. I saw the shadows on the wall and questioned their placement in relation to myself. Gina was all smiles in anticipation of this nights events. Nick ventured across the street to buy beer and I was very surprised to see him walk in with a 6 of Sierra. I didn’t know you could find such a thing downtown. So we relaxed and drank and watched the first act sing uncomfortably onstage. The eyes of the crowd were begging for something delicious to taste but were left with crumbs.
After a short break some guy in a suit announced that poetry was about to be read and that waffles were being made in the back room. We stayed in place. The writers reading their own work seemed like shells of themselves. It was the crunchy outside that made the middle so unsatisfying.
I excused myself to leave the building for a piss. I almost stumbled past this remarkably clean bar until I figured that if there is anyplace to piss at this time of night, it’s this place. I go straight to the bar, order a gin and tonic, and find my way to the pisser. When I come out, much less anxious, I find that a gentleman is sitting where my drink is. The busty blond at the bar laughs and asks the guy to move down. I say I’m sorry and a conversation begins.
“I’m down here for final Friday. They have all the art galleries open for free tonight.”
“Is that what’s going on?”
“I guess there’s a lot going on.”
“You a student?”
”No… well I’m learning to work with glass. I work at this glassblowing studio up on McMillan.”
"Why Glass?"
"It's fucking hot. When the guys are in the hotshop it's this dance with the glass. When I assist, I have to be in step with the blower. The glass is very sensual."
“You must be good with the ladies.”
“I try... sometimes.”
We talked about Cincinnati, bars and women. One of them costing more than the others. We explained our perspectives and respected eachother for our honesty. He said to not get married. He said that things are always different from another angle. He told me about his broken marriage and his struggling daughter. He told me the difference between white women and black women. He bought me a few drinks.
I had left my friends at the gallery but had not forgotten them. They came in and immediately saw that I was involved in an interesting conversation. We ordered a few more drinks and I offered my new bar-friend an alleywalk smoke. He declined with grace and we said our goodbyes. On our walk we found a strange intersection of building that seemed like a sort of courtyard without the yard. We passed the joint around and found ourselves back in the thick of Friday night action.
Base Gallery is a small place with oddly shaped rooms. With the flick of my square I thrust myself through the door not knowing what to expect. The show was an exhibition of high school students’ work and a mingling of other artists as well. The best work I saw were these two silver gel prints of tattoed female torsos’. I almost pulled one of them off the wall to scream the beauty I saw.
“Does it make you wet?” Gina asked me.
“I do not have a moisture problem if that’s what you’re asking.”
We did not stay long and our next stop was far more polka. Nick knew about this bar and so we stroll in past the guy at the door selling over-priced pizza slices. Several guys standing around the place were decked out in leiderhousen and some most excellent suspenders. For some reason one of the guys come over to our table and asked if we wanted to hear some music. I didn’t know if these guys were the bar band of the evening or if they just walked in off the street like we did but I was stoked. They played a couple songs and we sang along to waltzified ‘Satisfaction’ with our beers in the air. It was difficult to leave such a wonderful festive place but we were all well into our drinking and someone had to drive us home. When we got to the car Gina said that she had left her lights on. She set off her car alarm to get in the car and then it wouldn’t start.
I called Graham to rescue us and told Nick and Gina to wait for me while I walked up the street. Graham said he was on his way so I waited on a corner where I knew he would find me. He pulled up after a few minutes and we drove to where Gina’s car had been parked, and was no longer parked. We stopped and questioned eachother as to where Gina and Nick were. We had no idea other than to go where they would be most likely to find us. When we got to the studio and they were not around we decided to go party instead of waiting around.
The last party was pretty lame except for the layers story. That’s just how we do.
After a short break some guy in a suit announced that poetry was about to be read and that waffles were being made in the back room. We stayed in place. The writers reading their own work seemed like shells of themselves. It was the crunchy outside that made the middle so unsatisfying.
I excused myself to leave the building for a piss. I almost stumbled past this remarkably clean bar until I figured that if there is anyplace to piss at this time of night, it’s this place. I go straight to the bar, order a gin and tonic, and find my way to the pisser. When I come out, much less anxious, I find that a gentleman is sitting where my drink is. The busty blond at the bar laughs and asks the guy to move down. I say I’m sorry and a conversation begins.
“I’m down here for final Friday. They have all the art galleries open for free tonight.”
“Is that what’s going on?”
“I guess there’s a lot going on.”
“You a student?”
”No… well I’m learning to work with glass. I work at this glassblowing studio up on McMillan.”
"Why Glass?"
"It's fucking hot. When the guys are in the hotshop it's this dance with the glass. When I assist, I have to be in step with the blower. The glass is very sensual."
“You must be good with the ladies.”
“I try... sometimes.”
We talked about Cincinnati, bars and women. One of them costing more than the others. We explained our perspectives and respected eachother for our honesty. He said to not get married. He said that things are always different from another angle. He told me about his broken marriage and his struggling daughter. He told me the difference between white women and black women. He bought me a few drinks.
I had left my friends at the gallery but had not forgotten them. They came in and immediately saw that I was involved in an interesting conversation. We ordered a few more drinks and I offered my new bar-friend an alleywalk smoke. He declined with grace and we said our goodbyes. On our walk we found a strange intersection of building that seemed like a sort of courtyard without the yard. We passed the joint around and found ourselves back in the thick of Friday night action.
Base Gallery is a small place with oddly shaped rooms. With the flick of my square I thrust myself through the door not knowing what to expect. The show was an exhibition of high school students’ work and a mingling of other artists as well. The best work I saw were these two silver gel prints of tattoed female torsos’. I almost pulled one of them off the wall to scream the beauty I saw.
“Does it make you wet?” Gina asked me.
“I do not have a moisture problem if that’s what you’re asking.”
We did not stay long and our next stop was far more polka. Nick knew about this bar and so we stroll in past the guy at the door selling over-priced pizza slices. Several guys standing around the place were decked out in leiderhousen and some most excellent suspenders. For some reason one of the guys come over to our table and asked if we wanted to hear some music. I didn’t know if these guys were the bar band of the evening or if they just walked in off the street like we did but I was stoked. They played a couple songs and we sang along to waltzified ‘Satisfaction’ with our beers in the air. It was difficult to leave such a wonderful festive place but we were all well into our drinking and someone had to drive us home. When we got to the car Gina said that she had left her lights on. She set off her car alarm to get in the car and then it wouldn’t start.
I called Graham to rescue us and told Nick and Gina to wait for me while I walked up the street. Graham said he was on his way so I waited on a corner where I knew he would find me. He pulled up after a few minutes and we drove to where Gina’s car had been parked, and was no longer parked. We stopped and questioned eachother as to where Gina and Nick were. We had no idea other than to go where they would be most likely to find us. When we got to the studio and they were not around we decided to go party instead of waiting around.
The last party was pretty lame except for the layers story. That’s just how we do.
Hunter S. Thompson is dead. As I started writing Graham walked in with a heavy stride and sadness on his face. He and I have been having an argument for the past two weeks about art. I don’t really even know what the hell is going on with us, but now our hero is dead. Hunter was an old man on a peacock ranch with satellite television. I have no idea why he decided to die but he did it. I don’t think that Hunter ever expected to survive life but he went out into the world anyway and said what do you got? I feel like being a writer naturally distances one from everything else. I am always listening, and watching and every moment is a possible story. I may not always participate or speak my mind but I am always looking for an angle. Every person I talk to is an encyclopedia of life. Every story is different and experience is the fastest form of knowledge.
2.13.2005
So it's 8 am and I'm still very awake. I just wrote Sara an intoxicated e-mail which I hope comes off as I meant it.
I'm thinking about going to the roof and taking a picture. Today is now and it cannot be wasted or neglected in away way. Last night showed me that anything is possible if you have people who care. If you have 3 people who are passionate about one thing then anything is possible. fuck if you are one person and you care enough about something then it will get done. I'm very passive sometimes. It's rare that I actually take the chance and fucking do something.
John said tonight, "Everything is different now." I know what he means.
Last night I skated the best run of my entire life. I was so loose and I just felt like thrashing. I started skating and as soon as I got on the ramp I just couldn't stop until I fell or couldn't skate anymore. It was so sick. I wish that I could get good pictures of me skating so I could show you. i guess these pics from tonight will have to do.........
I'm thinking about going to the roof and taking a picture. Today is now and it cannot be wasted or neglected in away way. Last night showed me that anything is possible if you have people who care. If you have 3 people who are passionate about one thing then anything is possible. fuck if you are one person and you care enough about something then it will get done. I'm very passive sometimes. It's rare that I actually take the chance and fucking do something.
John said tonight, "Everything is different now." I know what he means.
Last night I skated the best run of my entire life. I was so loose and I just felt like thrashing. I started skating and as soon as I got on the ramp I just couldn't stop until I fell or couldn't skate anymore. It was so sick. I wish that I could get good pictures of me skating so I could show you. i guess these pics from tonight will have to do.........
2.10.2005
"I miss you."
"I know..."
sometimes things change fast as hell and sometimes they just fucking crawl by. I'm not excited about seeing you again. not yet. I wish i was. I've been thinking about faith. Not the mother mary jesus christ kind of faith but do I believe in something enough to die for it. Given the chance I would die for skateboarding, love, freedom, and the ocean because it's the biggest body of water around. Maybe liquid is the only thing that's important to me. I guess that's everything.
There's just not enough time. I'm so impatient yet so non-commital at the same time. I want right now to be the best time of my life. I guess it could be. I want to understand why I make things difficult for myself. This complication is mine. I created it and I can make it stop. unattainable. is it true. I desire these things that I know are not possible. I want to work on a sail boat but I'm 600 miles from the nearest ocean. I want to commit to the studio more than anything I've ever stuck with. Skateboarding has been my one motivation for quite some time and I don't see giving up on it any time soon. No one can tell me I'm wrong about skating because they don't know. They don't know the quiet parking lots at 3 in the morning the way I do. They can't say I failed because I never stopped trying.
I Love life. It sucks sometimes, people suck sometimes, but I am the calm center of my universe. THis is the dark silence that haunts my mind at night. You are the light.
"I know..."
sometimes things change fast as hell and sometimes they just fucking crawl by. I'm not excited about seeing you again. not yet. I wish i was. I've been thinking about faith. Not the mother mary jesus christ kind of faith but do I believe in something enough to die for it. Given the chance I would die for skateboarding, love, freedom, and the ocean because it's the biggest body of water around. Maybe liquid is the only thing that's important to me. I guess that's everything.
There's just not enough time. I'm so impatient yet so non-commital at the same time. I want right now to be the best time of my life. I guess it could be. I want to understand why I make things difficult for myself. This complication is mine. I created it and I can make it stop. unattainable. is it true. I desire these things that I know are not possible. I want to work on a sail boat but I'm 600 miles from the nearest ocean. I want to commit to the studio more than anything I've ever stuck with. Skateboarding has been my one motivation for quite some time and I don't see giving up on it any time soon. No one can tell me I'm wrong about skating because they don't know. They don't know the quiet parking lots at 3 in the morning the way I do. They can't say I failed because I never stopped trying.
I Love life. It sucks sometimes, people suck sometimes, but I am the calm center of my universe. THis is the dark silence that haunts my mind at night. You are the light.
2.05.2005
Graham and I had a gig tonight at Pleasant Perk. Ellie called me last night and asked if I could play so I said hell yeah. We played for about an hour and a half and just jammed our way through it. It was a little sloppy on some of the endings but what do you expect for 1 days notice. It was a lot of fun and now Micah and Sarah are on their way here to party. Woo-Hoo.
I had a conversation with Sara about cycles and how I'm really in and out of things sometimes. This is not new to me but I guess she's starting to relate to the seperation from normality. Whatever the fuck that is. It's like floods, every once in awhile the river overfills with it's muck and gets very restless.
I had a conversation with Sara about cycles and how I'm really in and out of things sometimes. This is not new to me but I guess she's starting to relate to the seperation from normality. Whatever the fuck that is. It's like floods, every once in awhile the river overfills with it's muck and gets very restless.
1.30.2005
I've been writing in the work gallery a lot recently which overlooks downtown cincy.
The thick clouds shoulder the towers of the city. I see flashing lights and moving cars but no people. I know they're down there, starving and itching in the cold. I know alleyways with heat exhaust comfort. I see shining shoes passing the empty bellies. I know cups of soup for a dollar and change. I know the lonesomeness of being surrounded by people.
At least we see eachother sometimes. Reaching out in the rain for understanding. These shoes hurt and it's too cold to stop walking. Don't have anywhere to stop walking anyhow. Maybe a beer or two to drown this shame. These clothes are not much help but they keep the wind off. The warehouse down central is open and you can get in if you can take the smell. shit smell and burnt shit smell. It's dry and no one will hurt you as long as you don't bother them. the junk and funk ties arms to stillness but there's nothing else. I don't care. I just need a drink. a taste?
There's this guy on 13th that sells blow to art school kids. What else are they going to do with all that time and their parents money. Buy art supplies. The only people drinking cough syrup are kids without parents. It's free if you know why. This is a chemical town running on chemical resources and bathed in chemical facial products. The only thing left natural is us, sometimes. If I could buy anti-deppresants maybe I'd feel a little less like killing people for my speed. Uppers downers turn-arounders the only side-effects are loss of individualism and freedom.
But I need this prescription world. I can't be me without this. I can't think to see without it. I won't be free without... struggle.
The thick clouds shoulder the towers of the city. I see flashing lights and moving cars but no people. I know they're down there, starving and itching in the cold. I know alleyways with heat exhaust comfort. I see shining shoes passing the empty bellies. I know cups of soup for a dollar and change. I know the lonesomeness of being surrounded by people.
At least we see eachother sometimes. Reaching out in the rain for understanding. These shoes hurt and it's too cold to stop walking. Don't have anywhere to stop walking anyhow. Maybe a beer or two to drown this shame. These clothes are not much help but they keep the wind off. The warehouse down central is open and you can get in if you can take the smell. shit smell and burnt shit smell. It's dry and no one will hurt you as long as you don't bother them. the junk and funk ties arms to stillness but there's nothing else. I don't care. I just need a drink. a taste?
There's this guy on 13th that sells blow to art school kids. What else are they going to do with all that time and their parents money. Buy art supplies. The only people drinking cough syrup are kids without parents. It's free if you know why. This is a chemical town running on chemical resources and bathed in chemical facial products. The only thing left natural is us, sometimes. If I could buy anti-deppresants maybe I'd feel a little less like killing people for my speed. Uppers downers turn-arounders the only side-effects are loss of individualism and freedom.
But I need this prescription world. I can't be me without this. I can't think to see without it. I won't be free without... struggle.
1.21.2005
we got lost in space
headed to joe's place
on a spun saturday afternoon
the smoke signals faded
feeling homeland jaded and
mis-communicated
through mixed emotions
the ebb and the flow
struggle to let go
and can never be the same
wash and repeat
grab a seat
the show is just getting started
I've been waiting in the wings
for what I feel is mine
my moment to shine
"a story for all sinners"
I whisper to the crowd
"the things we hold a sacred,
are never said aloud"
headed to joe's place
on a spun saturday afternoon
the smoke signals faded
feeling homeland jaded and
mis-communicated
through mixed emotions
the ebb and the flow
struggle to let go
and can never be the same
wash and repeat
grab a seat
the show is just getting started
I've been waiting in the wings
for what I feel is mine
my moment to shine
"a story for all sinners"
I whisper to the crowd
"the things we hold a sacred,
are never said aloud"
1.16.2005
1.12.2005
You are connected to me throught these words. When you read my thoughts as thoughts of your own and interpret them, I become part of you. This transends our typical interactions with reality, which are often so passive. This direct telepathy that we are involved in is the root of understanding. As you consume this mental energy you will compare the experience to all of your other experiences and hopefully relate.
Together we are greater than ourselves. Together we are growing and changing in infinite ways. Today has never been before and never will be again. Flux is the only constant. You are now a different person.
Now you can choose. There are infinite paths laid out before you. None of them have ever been traveled before. The only fear is in inaction. You can choose not to choose.
Together we are greater than ourselves. Together we are growing and changing in infinite ways. Today has never been before and never will be again. Flux is the only constant. You are now a different person.
Now you can choose. There are infinite paths laid out before you. None of them have ever been traveled before. The only fear is in inaction. You can choose not to choose.
