gina

adventure, excitement, friends and familiar faces. North-Side Tavern. We went and saw the sundresses play which I must say is a tasty band. The last time I saw them (at northside) they played a lot more rock and roll noise that I was livid for. Tonight they played a much more radio-friendly set that struck me as very strokes-ish. Nonetheless, I encountered good drink and people I had not seen in some time. Many moons even.
Sunday dad and the fam are coming up and we're all going to King's Island. Strange since my dad has a heart condition and can't ride any of the rides and is not interested in standing in the sun too much. Are those not the exact reasons that everyone else goes there? Oh well. I'm very much anticipating hanging out with my Dad and Josh and whoever else comes up. I told dad tonight that I want them all to come up and see my place. I've been able to talk to dad a lot more since I got a phone and I'm very happy that I have that ability. He's so rad.
I broke up with Melanie again after we had been together again for awhile. Better now than 2 years from now. I'm an asshole I guess. But I must be used to it by now.
peace

Exploitation of my masses these determined lower classes and idealistic crashes into me. Why have you decided that somehow you are better than all of us you consider your power to have some great importance when all the greatness comes from us. OUr hands and our minds you bloodsucking fiend. You are the reason we struggle and you hold us back. You judge when we have commited no crime. We create one canvas and we use one brush to breathe our life through. You take our air and make fire that warms no hearts and touches no minds. You take something and quantify it's beauty with a number. You cannot give life a dollar sign. You cannot tell me that my work is less or more. You satisfy only yourself you cannot understand what this means yet you will proudly hang me on your wall. You will show your 'friends' over cocktails your 'art' and explain to them it's value when you have no fucking clue. You have yet to bleed for 60 hours and you have yet to know what might happen with that blood. You crave a connection but you have isolated and removed yourself from what you desire. You think art is to show to please to embrace but this is the act of cutting this is slicing open the skin and you have yet to touch this flesh. You know not the smell of agony and overwhelming defeat. You assume that you feel when all you know is longing for touch. It can't feel you, you fuck! It won't respond to you. You can fill your home with paintstokes and carvings but you are cold to the warmth within. I despise your ignorance for what you pretend to believe. I was fooled by your cool knowledge and your trendy moves but now I see them coming. You walk on lead bricks hoping that they will turn to gold after each of your steps. We are not your prize we are not your army of expression to make millions. Our voices are pure and you struggle to speak. So bathe in your exploitation and feel the lava that is intolerance because I will deal with you no longer. Your cards have turned up short and you will pay the house.

kim deal is fucking hot! I'm sitting here listening to the pixies and considering masturbation. I had a dream this morning that I was playing music in the jam room and people kept coming in and trying to play but I would have to stop to show them how to plug in. It was frustrating since I really didn't want to play with other people anyway. Had Kim Deal walked in it would have been a completely different story but alas she did not.

I'm buying my plane tickets for San Diego today. Flying out of Louisville is $150 cheaper than Cincinnati. Guess where I'll be departing from. I did a quick search to see if anything is going on in SD while I'm there but I couldn't find what I was looking for. I'm really looking forward to recording a bunch of music with Al. I have so many music ideas that I think he'll understand and work on with me. It's been really hard to find people who want to play the music I have running through my veins. Most just want to play punk rock or metal. Is it that much to ask for some damn cello. I've asked people if they know anyone who plays cello I can record with and they ask me why. WHY??? Cause it's fucking intense that's why. I know Al has a keyboard that will do everything my heart desires.

I've been working so much. It's really good though. Every day when I go to the airport I think about how in a month I'll be getting on a plane. It's well worth it. Oh and that whole rent and food thing too. Summer seems to be passing by without any sunshine for me. I'm off today though and I'm planning on going down to Sawyer point to play volleyball this evening.

I've been reading as many short stories as possible lately. I really enjoy the format and I'll be writing some shorts myself in the next few months. if anyone knows any good short story writers I should check out let me know.

I've been thinking about people and places that I've been with and left. Some of them I have no hope of being able to find and some I'd rather not see again but I'm still curious. Jailbait Judy, Naitha, Where are the lou reeds, Amney, Alejandro, Rick, Feather, Amy Jones, Nice guy Eddie, L, Lolli, Raven, and there are others who's names allude me at the moment. Where are these people, what

I slept well last night. I've been dreaming about the beach. I want to feel that so bad. I'm taking things slow as of late and trying to make good desisions. Making good choices is becoming very important to me.

I've been talking about foundation and how it works, what it means. I'm going to be spending a lot more of my time working and a lot less time thinking about it. Maybe that's why I've been in such a slump lately, I need to stop thinking so damn much and just do what I need to do. Do it.

Facism Now!!!

woah. I've been working at the airport and this pub called Ida's Seat. It's so fucking easy and I'm making 9bones an hour. I broke up with Melanie. I've been drunk for the past week straight. I'm very confused about shit right now.

I've been trying to write with no results. It's depressing to pick up a pen and have nothing to write. I've been doing stuff. Working mostly though so that I can get out to San Diego. That's pretty much been the only thing on my mind recently is how I need to go chill with Al and look at the ocean.

I'll be trying to write over the next week and hopefully have something to share. I have a phone at my apartment now so if you want to call me send me an e-mail and I'll give you my number.

Everyone think good thoughts about my friends Nick and Gina. They are out on the road and I just want them to stay safe.
L...O...V...E...

tailstall nosegrab

frontside grind

tail stall roast beef

rock to fakie

I've had a strange few weeks. I have not written much at all and I just don't spend time on it. Lot's of great things have happened though. I went Cabrewing, went to Louisville to skate, and I'm still eating regularly.

urgg.

Ren and Stimpy most be the ridiculous thing ever on television. Oh but I love it. I'm sitting at Gina's with the crew and I'm tired as hell. I rode my bike to Davers this morning and then downtown to the mobile skatepark thing. Commercial commercial vert ramp and a closed off skatepark.. lame. Hip-mop mc's excellent. Actually I met this guy at Melanie's birthday party and man he was live on the mic. So I listened to the music for awhile and when they stopped I left. I rode up to the studio and hung out while Graham painted.
Tony showed up and we decided to go street skating. We bombed the hill to downtown hitting up ransom spots until we got the the parking lot below P&G. Nice bank to short wall and a huge hip on the left hand side. Some bikers put down some concrete towards the top of the bank that was a sweet launch ramp. Tony and I carved the banks and headed back up the hill. I chilled at the studio for awhile until I headed home for a shower. Work blah left here.

preogress

self

water

working dimension

chaos exists at every level
and you are just a parallel
experience to everything else
you decide
or you try
to deny
the connection
blinded by the corporation
that's killing your
expression
wiping that grin off
your face
with industry
the American Dream
is corruption
and greed
when 'wants' are sold
as 'needs'
we are the sleeping giants
among dreams
and what you stole from us
will be returned
to the ground
soul-sound
freed from our lips
with joy
to new sky
above no property

Well... I've been working a lot and getting to the studio to work more often now that my bike is complete. I Love it. My legs have been feeling the extra workout and I'm getting everywhere much faster. I was able to assist in the hotshop a couple days ago and that felt really good.
Last night was Melanie's birthday. Graham and I went to her yoga class with her and I participated while Graham played his drum. It was certainly a work out and I even broke a sweat. I enjoyed it and felt my self in a way that I never have before. I've been really busy doing things since the weather has been nice. I'm rarely at my apartment but that's alright. It's so close to everywhere I go that it's a great base. I hope you are well and you are enjoying your existence as much as I do.

ollie off dock

footplant acid-drop

double

nosegrab boneless

ollie

daver

Melanie and I got back from the gorge early today. We took the short hike up to Natural Bridge and sat around for awhile. I took some pictures of her doing yoga poses on top of the bridge that were sweet. We found our camping spot without trouble and ate bread, hummus and strawberries on the cliff. I went to sleep early and woke up around 11 at night. THe woods were a strange sort of quiet that startled me. We enjoyed a fire and woke up cold throughout the night.
When we woke up we packed up the tent and our stuff and drove to a trailhead where some climbers were packing up to leave. We had our lunch and walked a short way up the hillside. THere was poison ivy all over the place and Melanie was worried that it would mess her up. We found this cool overhang and then headed back down. On our way back I got a head-ache and was wanting a ciggarette like crazy.
Tonight we are supposed to eat some indian food with her friend Jo and watch a movie. Graham got a job and tonight we are going to a party at Todd's house. I'm pretty stoked to see everyone and it should be really fun.
LOVE!!!

My bike is in the shop right now and I stopped to see how it was going today. Apparently the front wheel has a tube that's glued to the wheel and is a pain to work on. He offered to order a new wheel and I agreed.
I packed up my bag for the gorge today. Melanie and I are leaving in the morning and we're both really excited. I figured we would head up to Natural Bridge first and hike around before finding a campsite. I have a place picked out that is on top of this ridgeline that ends at a cliff overlooking the valley. I stayed there last year and the view is great.
I've had Melanie's birthday present ordered since last week and it has yet to arrive. I stopped by the shop and the lady was so sorry. She said that she would drop the price for me and that she's going to make someone bring it down today. I'll have to leave work for a few minutes so I can walk down the street and get it.

It's awesome that I have such a relaxed job. I enjoy working at Sitwell's and it's very amusing to see and hear the people that come in. So many regulars always getting the same thing and just hanging out. It's these people that keep us open. THis girl at the counter last night was talking about welding. That was a first. She did know what she was talking about though and that made it more interesting.

There's a small casket on the wall with the words Marie Laveau Voodoo doll. People will sell anything. VooDoo Enterprises New Orleans Louisiana.

I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you every ex-girlfriend for teaching me a lesson. THank you Al for pushing me towards greatness whenever you get the chance. THank you Madison for repulsing me and creating desire for compassion and change. Thank you Mardello family for showing me what family is. THank you Graham for teaching me patience. THank you Clifton Crew for always having a place for me to crash. THank you Gina for being so giving. THank you Nick for being my companion on this and every journey. THank you Melanie for letting me be me and for supporting my choices. THank you Melanie for Loving me just as much as I Love you. THank you Mom for being neutral. THank you sun for bringing me light and thank you ocean for being the blood of this beautiful world.
Most of all... THank you Dad for a million and 17 reasons. THank you for encouraging me to be an individual. THank you for teaching me to ask questions and seek answers. THank you for choosing me over yourself. Thank you for your sacrifices. THank you for your honesty and wisdom. THank you for your Love. Thank you for your joy and sorrow. THank you for listening. THank you for showing me my mistakes and teaching me to learn from them. THank you for being my best friend.

It was a long walk to the Health Dept. and a short walk back. I first found out that I tested negative for HIV. THe counselor saw that I am from Jefferson county and said that he used to live in Hanover. Wow... what a small fucking world. He said that he owned property there and the people rented from him got busted with pot. He said they had a field and the man had to bring in trucks to get it all out. I said that it was sad.
Another vile of blood taken and the doctor comes in.
"Any symptoms, infections, or lesions you're worried about?"
"I have these bumps on the back of my toungue"
"Let's see. How long have they been there."
"A long time."
"COngratulations, you have taste buds."

She checked my penis and testes and stuck a swab into my urethra which did not feel so wonderful. She said it doesn't hurt as much as being sick. I agreed.
SO I checked out and she gave me a small brown bag full of condoms. I was told to see the cashier and I only had to pay $6.
I was worried and now I know... and knowing is half the battle.

I've been listening to this gentle voice memory of past rides through country lanes. He reminds me of Burroughs but much less vulgar. THis story is about his travel and his thoughts. Jack Acid is pulling me out of urban boredom and stacking me up like years of newspapers. I'm here. Listening. HIs voice soft like wool blankets on a boxcar floor. He tells of battered youth and running for or away from crimes unknown. I think of my hitchhiking past and laugh at the few miles I had actually traveled. I did get a ride though. I got to where I was going without too much trouble. Maybe only a few lonely thoughts alongside busy roadways. I'm hearing less destruction in these words. I thought that only writers who were killing themselves/ already dead could get published. I guess sober adventures can sell just as well. I think of my movement and my brothers here expressing themselves. I wonder if I am the new be-at that I want to be. I wonder if my poems will make women wet. If I will have letters telling me how raw and alive I am. I wonder if my words will start a revolution. Maybe I already have in the thoughts of local street-kid passersbys. Sometimes I whisper my screams and fear shaking the ground with my words. It's time. THis old voice speaking to me is leading me into my future verses. I feel like Dr. can heal my writing and I'll stretch it out to my toes. Graham says that he wants his fingernails high while I just chew on mine fighting the urge to smoke a cigarette.
Now I'm in green filtered void catching bugs-bunny smooches. THese are times that my words lack the meaning or understanding of emotion. She swims in my eyes while I notice that cocconut sex wax beach smell. DO you remember what the ocean smells like? Were you intoxicated by the slow rythym licks against bare rock? Did you witness the universe spinning about and above us laying there? I look up to see prism light laughing across her face. THis music reminds her of so much and now it reminds me of this. She speaks of her escape and the flow that followed. I hardly move in comparrison. I shake the memory of a lost year. I spoke of assumed monogamy and the crashed in knowledge that hit me like a bus. I rode that same bus through wet streets with wet lips of drunken memory and tried to hitch my way back to the present. Here we are. After many street walking glances and eye knowledge dances we are no longer strangers. I am here. You let me in and have not yet asked me to leave. I'm hoping you won't. I'm becoming more like myself than that 5 year old boy inside ever could have imagined. I'm experiencing joy now under this blanket and I can't describe to you how I feel. I'm alive now and no-longer dying. I see some future now and I won't stop trying.

backs of giants

statue

Rock Star Nick. THe painting is on the back of the hotel room mirror. Hide and Seek Art.

blur

Times Square

Radio City

"Shall we go down by the Automat and watch the old ladies eating beans, or the deaf-mutes that stand in front of the window there and you watch 'em and try to figure the invisible language as it flees across the window from face to face and finger to finger...? Why does Times Square feel like a big room?"
---Jack Kerouac
Lonesome Traveler


Nick and Gina were in New York last week so I thought I would put up a few pictures from their trip.

THe top two are from today. Ed's going away party is tonight so I'll be kicking it with the crew!

after work smirk

light

red

Tempted by coffeehouse companions but found none, we ventured to more secluded territory. Candles lit and music chosen to fit the life jacked soundtrack we curled up together. We met in dreams and passed on streets unmentioned until now. She saw my darkness and malcontentment burning. She questioned the purpose and meaning aloud while we drank tea of her living room floor. She explained her premonition and I knew it to be true. My waking walking wandering has been seen in those dreams and my darkness bleeds through. I have submersed my demons in my dreams and now they are all soaked in black.

sometimes I'm just another drunk kid in CLifton walking home alone at 6 o'clock in the morning. Othertimes I'm the shining light of the soul. Eihter way I can only be me. I pass the gaslight shhh and contemplate motion. THis sea of people places and faces that I only vaguely recognise. I went to Yifot's going away party. I'm excited to hear her stories and hang out with Jason while she's gone. I have dreams on the brain and nothing real can compare. All day I've had this iritated feeling with myself. I wrote a song. 'I woke up with a gun to my head... I just feel like dying but I'm already dead' perhaps I'll post the whole thing but I think Graham has it. I hope he has it because if he doesn't it will be lost forever.
I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately and I miss him. He always let me be me and not try to mold me into his image. I appreciate this very much. So many of my friends struggle with what their parents expect them to be like. My dad never pushed anything on me and let me make my own desicions. So much is changing right now I can barely keep up. I have a date tommorow to do laundry. If you have to wash all the clothes you have you might as well be with someone you can enjoy. She makes anyhting the best thing in the world. It's all a matter of perspective.
We saw the new Woody Allen film last night. Melinda and Melinda is two stories about the same girl one from the telling of a tragedy, one from a comedy. It was interesting to hear the audiences reaction to different scenes. Some of the serious was laughed at and some of the humor was taken quite seriously. Woody Allen himself was not in it and for once I'm glad. I enjoy his work but he's a terrible actor. I was able to conect to a few people tonight in a way that before I would not have taken so well. I'm becoming even more accepting of people. It seems like the more shit happens around me the more I can find humour in it.
I want Life. I want Love. I want Liquid.

I already have it. I just have to recognize.

collage

quite a bit has happened over the week-end. When we got to the gorge fri. night we found out that none of us had a flashlight so we walked the mile to the campsite in the dark. I was very impressed with nick's navigational skills as we found the site without falling off any cliffs. We reached the ridge point and started a fire. Nick told me where the edges were and I stayed close to the fire. We hung out and drank whiskey while we told stories. I asked the question of 'most pissed off' stories and was impressed with the diversity of the answer. I placed my broken glasses on my face and looked at the stars for a few hours. I passed out under the open sky and awoke to warmth and sun. When I got up I played guitar for awhile and admired the view that I had never seen before. After much taunting and harrasment we got Nick up and prepared for our half-days walk. right before we left cincy I remember that I had to wrok and that I would have to be back the next day. This rushed our adventure a bit but was acceptable by all.
We walked down the hillside to a cavern of sorts that was directly below our campsite. It wasn't more than a break in the rock but was sizable enough for us to climb through. We had native ritual on the cliff-face and I was scared about the climb back up to the top. We made it unscathed and got ready for our hike to the river. Not many leaves were out but so many flowers were blooming which made a carpet of color in some places. The splinter tree was about half-way down to the river and it was so interesting to look at. The sun was coming into the tree at such an angle that the whole inside glowed.
We released ourselves from the binds of shoes and enjoyed the cold water once we got to the river. I splashed a bit of water on my face and was instantaniously refreshed. I had Gina's camera on my hip and took some interesting pictures. Mostly we just enjoyed being outside and relaxed in the tree-filtered sunlight.

Work is getting better as I'm learning more about the functional workings of the place. The people I work with are so interesting and actually into the work. It makes it so much better when you enjoy the way you make money. This girl Monique was hanging out at and asked me what I was up to when I got off work. My only plan was to get a few beers and crash at Gina's. She's been a 'resident' of Clifton for only 2 weeks and she doesn't have a place to live. She told me that she was crashing at this professor's house so I figured she could come hang out with me for awhile and be on her way. I through in a Robert Johnson documentary and sat down. At that moment she dropped about 33 tons of complicated emotional shit on me. I basically just met this girl and she's telling me about sleeping with guys to get food. Shady. I can't tell if this girl is just emotionally disturbed or a compulsive liar because the stories she told me just do not match up with what she has told other people. Regardless... she thought that I invited her to come with me so that I could fuck her. I don't know if having a place to crash or getting laid was in her plans but she passed out on the couch and I realized that this is not the kind of person that I'm interested in finding out more about.
Sunday Nick and Gina and I went to Gina's parents house to do laundry and chill. THe sun was wonderful and we played frisbee. We ordered a pizza and waiting for the clothes to get finished. I was getting inpatient at the dryer because I wanted to go to an art opening. About that time I realized that I had to work at 8:30 and I might not have enough time to get to the show and make it to work on-time. We packed up the clothes in haste and headed to the museum.
We went to the art museum to see my friend Tony's graduation show. Seeing his work in a gallery rather than the basement of the studio is such a drastic change. His work often seems like commercialism covered with the grime of the streets. Actually the stuff being on a white wall helped me understand it that much better. I saw a few people I know and had a beer before we left. I made it to work on time and Monique was there.
I explained to her that I was not comfortable with her and the suitcase that she dropped off on Gina's back porch. I told her that I have enough emotional, economic, and spiritual problems to write a book (see: writings by Sean in the future) about and most likely will. I told her that I understood her situation but there is nothing I can do about it. She stayed at Sitwell's until we closed an ioanna kicked the staglers out. I'm not sure where Monique stayed but I know she was fine. It's nice enough now that anywhere outside that the cops won't fuck with you is a pretty good place to sleep.
When I got off work I called Dave and he came to pick me up. We went to a new firend Suzie's house. She is an opera singer and has her master's in music. SHe has the best decorated apartment I've been to in Clifton. We had a few beers and I went to Dave's to pass out.
I woke up and helped Leslie clean the house. I did the dishes while she cleaned the living room. Dave grumbled that we were being loud but we ignored him. After Dave went to work Leslie and I took Brandi (Dave and Leslie's pit bull) to Burnett woods to run around. We walked around the park and down Ludlow until we saw Nick. I hung out with Nick at the studio for awhile until I was ready to go back down to Ludlow. I called Melanie but she was with friends and planned on going home to go to bed so I found alternate excitement: skating. I skated around Clifton going to different parties/houses. I saw Ian today for the first time in like 7 months. He's living in Lexington, KY with his girlfriend the second grade teacher. He has a child with her on the way and seems like he has accepted the responsibility ahead of him. How well he will handle it I have no way to know but I wish the very best to him.

I stopped at the Mad Frog house to meet the kids and had an awesome jam session with two of the guys that live there now. All the old graffiti (see: Graffiti Minds, right hand column) is still up and they added some more to go with it. The rent is so reasonable and the guys are safe enough for me to be sure about moving in at the end of the month. I'll have a place to live and put my four boxes of stuff... YAY!!!

I'm looking forward to seeing Melanie tommorow and I know I'll have a big smile the whole time I'm with her. She's so liquid I feel like ice.

morning view

splinter tree

shadow me

nick and gina

3 sets

I'm headed to the Gorge. I have to be at work at 8:30 sat night. I'll write when I get back.

Windows open and sunlight stumbled through. I felt warmth today. I felt the sun licking my smiling face. I did nothing and was so filled with everything. We were domestic. Feel good, feel bad at least I'm not avoiding reality. This is real. I am real inside her head and that's what really matters. I'm beginning to understand Freedom in a new way. I am free to fuck myself if I wish but I'd rather be free to live. I like being alive. THese are my thoughts. WHat do you think?

I quit smoking. I've not had a cigarette in 2 days. last night sucked but I'm doing find so far today. I have no idea what I'm going to do today. Graham took off for Okie yesterday and it already seems like too long. We had a meeting yesterday at Sitwell's and got our schedule filled out. I told them that I don't have any plans for this month other than work. It sucks that I won't get payed for 3 weeks. I guess the first of May i'll have a place with Nick.
I talked with Jeanette the other day and she appologized. I'm not really sure why. She is a little high-strung but I never hated her for it. In fact I let it go while I was still living there. My dad's health is getting better and he's ready to go back to work. He hates not having any money to do what he wants.
Not much to say today. I've been loving the sun and trying to Love. I'm worried about my reasons. What is my motivation in this scene??

I've never had so much fun in bed with two girls. I blush as they discuss the remote possibility of our group orgasm. We trade reading astrological signs and find that we are closer to the stars than I thought. I invite Melanie to parties that she is already going to, how can she say no. The next evening I hustle my was through the party to set up the movie. I don't know anything about Bollywood but everyone got dressed up and came out for the dance party. We did it better than Bollywood.
"You're afraid of the pussy" Gina yells through the bumping music.
"Maybe I'm just afraid of my cock" Graham replies but I only hear what Gina had said and I laughed so hard. I downed a few drinks and thought about Melanie and what she might be wearing to the party. Graham asks me to go get beer but I tell him that I'm going to call Melanie first.
"What's going on?" I closed the office door behind me so I could hear her sweet voice.
"I'm driving with Dee and Jo, we'll be there soon."
"Awesome"
"Are you dressed up?"
"Sortof, I've got this hot silk shirt on."
"We're on our way"
I grab Graham and tell him that I'm ready. I wasn't quite done with my Sierra so I danced a bit and finished off the bottom. On our way out the door Melanie, Dee, and the blond kid are standing outside. As much as I wanted to give Melanie a big hug, I held back. This kid looks me over and hesitates before he goes in. She told me about him. Rather than telling him she's not interested, she said everything is in the air. Who's going to fall first? Watching the street lights as we drove to get beer I thought about the sky falling.
I thought about missed opportunity. I thought about taking it back. The guy at the counter says, "You're old enough to buy this, right?" I laughed and assured him that I was. He was excited because they bought a pizza warmer for the store. He started to talk about profit and I told him I couldn't wait to get a slice as I bumped into the doorway trying to get out. We got back to the party and I sat with Nick and Gina. Earlier in the evening I passed out on Gina's couch only to be woken by steady rocking and soft moans coming from her room. I layed there and developed an erection while they continued. I thought I might masturbate but decide against the effort.
Gina said something dirty to me and I was back at the party instead of listening to sex in my mind. I'm feeling a bit repressed when Melanie catches my eyes from across the room. Her eyes speak in whispers as I strain to know what they say. We looked at eachother for longer than a moment and she walked to me.
I listen to the rich tones of her voice and I am absorbed by her radiance. The dancing was in full swing by this time and I tried to avoid the blond boy. I kept my distance to avoid the inevitable conversation about me. There is absolutly no reason why she should or would explain herself to him or to me for that matter. It was fun to watch her dance with him. She watched me and tried to pull me out of my seat with her hips. It worked well and I danced more than I ever have before. It always seems like people at dance parties are trying too hard but this was different. There was no judgement among these colorful costumed people and everyone was having such a wonderful time. Melanie explained that she had to get up in the morning for her 8 o'clock class. After a few long warm embraces we said good night to eachother and left. My thoughts for the rest of the night were focused on my intention. Her life is so full of purity while I'm struggling with my self-destruction. I'm very excited to walk the path with her even if it is only for a moment.

Death Valley just had multiple orgasms. SO many trees and flowers are blooming in Clifton and everyone is on the streets soaking up the sun. There's a Ballywood party at Sitwell's tommorow night that I'm pretty excited about. Should be a lot of fun, Lisa told me that I have no idea what's about to go down in this small coffeeshop. Dancing and drinking and Indian costumes. I'm wearing a silk shirt.

you look like a serial code
waiting to be sold
I put funk in the flow
you see dollar signs
when I say hello
You are the target market audience
for this by-product
of my frequency
but what I have is free
can't you fucking see
that we are not for sale
we will not dance
when you play your music
and we will stand
when you offer the seat

THe sun tempts me away from the things I need to do. write write read wait for laundry. Sometimes I walk past Laundromats and think about my mom. Sometimes going to do laundry was the highlight of my week-end with her. Get out of the house, whichever one we were living in at the time, and I would get a coke. I think the best moments of my entire life that I've had with my mom have been in cars. I remember a time when she would turn down a road just to see where it goes (even though I'm sure she knew where most of them would end up I didn't) and it was so exciting to do something out of the ordinary. She hasn't told me anything interesting in years. A few years ago we had an amazingly honest conversation about living and learning and pot of all things. I was there for an hour before I wanted to leave. Her husband is such a fuck. I have no tolerance for fascists and he's SS material. She bends to his will and he loves it. He is in control and nothing will change that. THat's fine though, they can have that life and I will know that I will never be like that.
I have very little respect for my mother. I feel like she has made choices in her life that forced her into this box in the middle of a cornfield. SHe should be dancing in fields of daisys laughing at the sun. I don't see how she could be happy. I will never understand why she is where she is but I want to think that she's convinced herself she's happy.

I wrote to David Duchovny today about his upcoming movie House of D.

David...
when kids in france go down the slide do they go "Ouiiii" I got kicked out of my high school french class for that joke.
If I could ask a question, I was wondering what sort of haggling goes on when you are looking for a script, or do people just pitch screenplays to you? How does that process work and how hard is it to get a screenplay to you. I'm not a screenplay writer but I won't rule it out in my future. I just started my first novel. It's called 'the river test' and the metaphor behind it is that every river has a current no matter how subtle or turbulent. The character is the river and he is searching for his own motivation.
As an actor I'm sure you've heard that (or even asked yourself) what is the motivation behind this line or scene or gesture with your face. In Life We can learn a lot about human behavior by stepping out of ourselves for awhile. I'm very interested in being able to recognise the next step before it happens.
I enjoyed the audio blog I think some people were confused as to how you did that. You just use your cell-phone wherever you are and call a number that records your voice to this blog. I would like to know how your trip to Seattle is going. I hope you're having fun man!



Sunday I talked to Stephanie and broke things with her off. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it. Not much more of an explanation in nescessary.

I met M. after work last night and we walked around the gaslight looking at windows and in windows. We talked about dreams and things we care about. We went to her apartment and read eachother some of our writing. 'Honey drizzles down my back' that's fucking hot. We went to the studio because I was going to play music with Graham but no-one was there. I pulled out the ol guitar and sang a few of my songs. It's been so long since I've done that. I really enjoyed it and I think she appreciated my playing.
She told me that she was in a similar situation as I with this guy she knows well. I guess he's been interested in her for some time but has not made the choice to pursue it or he's just scared. Anyway she had a talk with him and let him know that she's going to focus her attention elsewhere.
After the studio I had her drop me off and I felt so alive. I was in such a great mood that I tried to remember when the last time I felt so good. I think it was before the election.
I'm off to work soon and my feet hurt so bad. I really need to take better care of my dogs. My grandfathers shoes were meant for an evening out on the town not hours on a kitchen floor. My boots are at the studio and there's no way I'm walking up there before work.

Life Love Liquid

I struggled through most of the day. I helped in the hotshop for awhile and then Graham and I went to Dave's. We had some pasta that was delicious and played some guitar. I called M. and she said that she was thinking about going to a party on Ohio. We sat around at Dave's and watched a couple movies until Matt calls. He says that there's a party on Ohio and we should show up. I'll bet that she was there about 4 hours before I showed up. I really wasn't feeling it today though. Graham got wasted so I drove him home and walked to Gina's where I had to wake Nick up to let me in. Now it's just me and Billie Holliday. I've always got Billie right?

blues

Last night the trio Nick Graham and I went downtown to Final friday only to find out that it's next friday. silly us. We ended up dropping Nick off and going to a party on Stratford. Talked with this girl about making out for awhile and did not make out with her. People just kept handing me things to drink and I drank. I was surprised at how drunk I actually got. Gina is out of town so Nick and I are going to be crashing there. There's a laundry there so I can wash my clothes... YES!! I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I've ever had. I was drunk when I woke up and I thought I was going to vomit out all my guts. reminded me of waking up in OB after the bar-b-que with the Brazilions.

Working at Sitwells is going great. I'm there half of the time anyway so it's awesome that I get payed for it now. Lisa is having this Baliwood movie thing Friday night and I'm hopefully going to procure the lcd projector from the studio so we can watch the movie from inside or outside. She was going to have to pay 300 bucks to rent one so I'm sure I'll get payed for setting it up. I'm so poor right now. Anyone interested in my kidneys? They are slightly used.

I'm conflicted by two women. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings for the possibility of something else. I don't know how remote that possibility is. I touched my toes the other night for the first time in years. That's healthy. The difference is this: with S. it's safe and easy and I don't really have to think. with M. I can feel the stretch and it's exciting and interesting. So what's the problem you might ask... S. is really into me and I don't know what to tell her. The whole we should be friends thing just fucking hurts it's so lame. She's been in Florida the past week and she gets back tonight. I'm supposed to hang out with her tommorow so I'll talk to her then. I feel bad because I've been interested in M. for awhile but I wasn't sure if it would evolve. Now I want it to.

cave dance

planet

storm

native

grr

I'm drunk again
riding in fast cars to uncertain destinations
I'm waiting to feel your creations
through context connections
fuck this uncertain existance
in limbo between purpose and individuality
I hear distant voices screaming rape
of our freedoms
the commercial humdrums
such bums
of life and love free
feelings for
forgotten past failures
I'm tired of not knowing
what can't be known
about you and me
and how we see
what there is to be
beating myself with
mental exposure
too long
in the waiting

I spent two days straight reading this book on a particular pyschodelic chemical DMT. "DMT: The SPirit Maolecule" by Dr. Rick Straussman explains what DMT is, does and is theorized to be. All life on Earth contains the molecule DMT. THis very hallucinagenic substance is made by our bodies in the pineal gland. DMT is released at high levels in our brains 3 times in our lives. 49 days after conception, during vaginal birth, and at death. Could this be the chemical equivalent of a spirit?
I've bee thinking about Soul. What is it and where does it come from. The subjects in the DMT experiments had very vivid "more real than real" experiences in an altered state. Is this still a conscience state? The movement between worlds suggests that we will most likely return to this one.
I ate mushrooms last night and had a very perception changing evening. I sat and looked at Graham's abstract paintings seeing things that I had never recognised within his work. Today I can see the same things and it's incredible what he is doing with paint. I have gained a new respect.

pop

She bought me dinner and told me she loves someone else. Thanks.

To: every exgirlfriend ever.
please do not tell your ex-boyfriend how great your new boyfriend is.

also, if you could stop trying to rationalize what Love is we would all be better off.

On a personal note I want you to know that God will never save you.

good vibrations
I've been playing guitar so much lately. Graham has this DL-7 digital delay pedal... it's sick. SO I can loop up to a 15 sec sample to infinity. I lay down a rythym part loop it a work on my leads. It's allowing me to progress faster because I'm learning and making two seperate parts at the same time. Fun stuff.

It's Friday night. I packed my belongings up and put them in a corner today. Stephanie and I went out to my house last night and drank some beers. We has some great conversation about direction and life. I'm becoming more and more interested in what she thinks about. She's typically very quiet. We had a great evening and then woke up at my not-for-much-longer house. I went through my pictures and flyers as per usual in this circumstance. We woke to half drank beers and gentle music while I packed my things.
Last night I sat at Sitwells for like 5 hours. There was an artist who has her work on the walls who also hosted an open mic. We listened to latino poems and longing for freedom. The night was amazing. Melanie was there and we talked about dreams. Melanie is an incredibly energetic person. She teaches yoga and is headed off for some conference in the next few weeks. I wish her well and hope that her experience is fulfilling.
This afternoon Stephanie and I met up with some other kids and had chinese food at the Florence Mall. I am most repulsed by malls in general. Actually any gathering of commerce crazed rednecks is quite agitating for me. THe place wasn't that crowded though and we left in short order. The food was mediocre but quality for mall-food I guess. We drove and smoked and found our way back to Clifton. We stopped at Melissa's and chilled for awhile before going to this keg party we had been hearing about. A few guys came in who looked very out of place and one was giving off heavy wasted vibes. I turned to look at him and when our eyes met I asked him "Are you on hallucinagens man, your pupils are the size of this room." He was not happy about this question and blew me off. His friend in a blue button up shit and tie turned to me and gave me this shitty look. I asked him what he was doing and he told me about his frat and that he is in the marines and wants to fly F-18's. We discussed war and geo-central political strategy and how we are all people. I expressed my distain for war and I asked him to think about what this country is really fighting for. Hopefully I gave him reason to question but I doubt it. We ventured out to this kegger-frat-boy-fuck party on Stratford that was far to crowded for fire code. I looked around at the drunken foolery that was taking place and decided that getting out was nescessary. We walked the 3 short blocks back to base and looked for gin-drunk girls' wallet. Had a few more beers and a couple pizza's knocked us out. Steph dropped me off at the studio and I'll be passing out soon.
Eric's parents are in town and he's going to be blowing glass tommorow so I have to be up early. It's been a great couple of days and I'm looking forward to waking up tommorow well rested.

I’m destroying myself with scribbles and rants on coffeehouse napkins. I’ll leave it to find some observant home in open hands. What sort of madman life am I leading… I do care. More than myself is out there waiting for recognition. On walks through towns I find that I have no place to go but flow pen memories and failed relations. It’s fine that you feel that way but maybe we’ll change our minds. I’m moving for me and the surfs up so where do you think I’ll be.
Light a cig - stop smoking
Catch a breath - stop choking
Get a room – stop joking
Brain leak – don’t freak
seek seek seek

Sara and I met at Sitwells today. Neutral territory. I think we both thought that it might not be such a wonderful conversation. I was quite relieved to find out that we are both doing what is right for us. So I’m not as much of an asshole as I thought. We talked about school and she’s decided that she wants to get her masters and teach photo to college kids. That’s really exciting. I know she’ll make a teacher and the experiences she will be able to have are profound.
I complicated things in my head. I guess I just wanted an affirmation of my actions. We both needed to let go and I think we both have. It’s amazing to be able to talk with her as friends. I’m not hurting anymore. I can move on down the road now.

I’m planning a hitch-hiking trip to Skatopia in the next few months. I think the first week there are leaves on the trees I’m going to pack up and go. I’m going to stop smoking. If I don’t stop smoking I’m not going to Skatopia. It will be the perfect reward for myself. I just can’t skate anymore unless I can breath well for hours at a time. My average timespan on the ramp is like an hour. It should be more like 4 hours. I used to spend 6 hours at the Louisville park no problem. I’ve been working on being more healthy and it’s showing already. I’ve been stretching every day and I can feel myself getting more flexable.

I'm a fucking asshole. Bukowski would be proud.

what did I do last night. Stephanie stopped in at the studio and she told me about the different parties that were going to happen. Todd and Johanna met us and we went to ky to get beer. The drive was beat filled in the back of the scion while we smoked. We drove around for awhile and stopped at this apartment complex. The guys at the door both had name tags on and I asked them if I could have one. Dr. Winston O'Boogie. Apparently one of the guys friends screen-name is that and none of them knew why. We had shots and I watched drunk girls wander around. THe party was low-key but very enjoyable. About midnight I tried to get everyone together to leave but more shots were consumed first. Back on the road and back to Clifton to another party. One of the JJ kids was there and I found out that he lived there. Clifton gets like that some nights, people just wander into parties and they ask who lives there. Graham and I talked to this guy who is a mathmatition for a good hour and we didn't even notice that everyone else at the party had left. We went to KB's and I passed out.
I actually woke up this morning to come assist in the hotshop. It's been a good day so-far.

leaves

too many girls... not enough Sean. Sara comes home this week-end and I have to tell her everything. I have to tell her that I stopped waiting for her. I just hope she hasn't been waiting for me. I have to tell her that I'm going on with things and that she is no longer the focus of my life. I still Love her.
I'm finding new people to grow with and understand in different ways. I am in cincinnati and I am going to enjoy it. The past week I've been going out more and seeing what this town has to offer. So far I've had some really interesting conversations and heard some fucked up stories, but that's what I Love.
I am waking up from my winter hybernation. I'm rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and after a good stretch I'll be set for spring.

“I have really good news.”
“What’s up?”
“You should just come over, because you should.”

Sat. morning I walked to sitwell’s from the studio and it was actually nice out. I had Gina’s phone from the night before and I knew Nick was at work so I figured I would go see him.
I have not walked through Clifton is so long. When I worked at the ghetto pizza place I would skate home through U.C. and then through Burnet Woods. I can’t wait until this summer so I can go street skating again. I really want to take more photos this season. Since my camera got stolen a year ago I have not been able to.
So I got to Sitwell’s and Nick looked like he was having a rough time. He wasn’t going to get off of work for another few hours so I decided to walk to Gina’s. She wasn’t there and I didn’t feel like walking back to Ludlow so I took a nap on her roof. The sun was out and it felt great on my face as I thought about the night before. I smoked a cigarette and walked again. Gina was there so I sat down with her and we played cards. I think Gina has amazing control. She owns her life and is so relaxed.
We table swapped for a while and I noticed this cute blonde girl with a laptop. She would type spontaneously and laugh to herself. Her smile was radiant. Another table swap later I saw that she was doing the same thing I do everyday when I get online. Checking out people’s blogs, updating mine, check the e-mail, see what’s in the news, write some stuff, check the e-mail….
Nick sat down with us and had a beer after he was done working. I tempted him with green delight and we were out the door. We lazed about at Gina’s apartment and listened to music.
I told Nick that if I didn’t take a shower soon I was going to melt. Gina said that she wanted to go to Wild Oats so she would take me home. I talked to Dave for a short time and took a well-deserved shower. I feel really bad about Dave. He’s buying his house and so he has these serious responsibilities. He works really hard, goes to school full time, and he works on plays quite often. Even when I spent a lot of time at the manor I would rarely see him. I’ve not been avoiding going there but I just know I owe Dave money and I feel bad about it. I want to hang out with him but I don’t have that much fun at the house. I don’t do anything in Silverton. I usually just want to hang out in Clifton so why should I live so far away when I can’t get back and forth. It’s just not working for me. I think Dave’s awesome and I have a lot of respect for him. I would rather be able to hang out with him and have fun than think about the money.
Nick and Gina came back to pick me up and we were off to the studio. When we got there Graham had used his magic skill to find us some golden teachers. I immediately gathered the tribe and had plans laid out for the evening. I went to KB’s and Graham went to Davers. There was talk of a punk house party not far from c-town so we all got ready to go. We had our speanut butter sandwich’s and found our way to the party. I was holding back on my brain to see if everyone else was going to be alright and right as I was starting to let it soak in the girls say they want to leave. I saw a few people I knew and I few strangers who recognized me somehow. This one girl kept staring at me. I think that there are a lot of kids in Cincinnati who sit around on their computers and look at other people who live in cincy… or maybe I’m an insane loser. Anyway, I often see people on Ludlow and around town who’s blog’s I’ve read or Friendster profile I’ve seen. Seeing strangers again gets complicated when you’ve read their words and then you see them at the table across from you in a burrito place. Parties are much of the same except more densely packed with people you are slightly familiar with.
As Kurt and I were standing by the day he walked over to me and said, “That wall is really far away and visual.” In the background Teenage Wasteland kicks in and 20 kids instantaneously gets more intoxicated because of it. It hits me as I start jumping up and down screaming the lyrics.
Out the door and down the road back to KB’s. Todd busted out some glow sticks while we were driving and everyone in the car encouraged him to wait. We waited at the house for Kurt and Becca to get back and we were all glad to be back. Once everyone was back I relaxed and let the myself feel the haze. As we listened to Radiohead and sat back the blue fog around my peripheral vision exploded turning the entire room a rainforest green.
Todd broke one of the glowsticks into the sink and let in run down the sides. The metal reflected the glow substance so everyone looking at it had off blue large pupils.
I lay down and think funny things while people talked around me. I spooned and watched the sunlight trickle in the window. I slept and slept some more.

wire focus

nick looks at art

g-ram and todd

midnight

polka

nick

Friday night was awesome. After some miscommunication with Graham; Gina, Nick and I headed for the evenings events downtown. We stopped at Reid’s opening first and not much was going on. We left Gina’s car on 13th and walked to Main. Looking around at the scene of Main st. on a Friday night was quite exciting. Many people were out looking for a fun time and I would say that most found something to satisfy. Our crew jumped at the first sign of activity which was InkTank. The first room in the place is a shop where I really wanted to buy a t-shirt but everything else was junk. We found a spot on a well placed couch and watched as people meandered through looking just as lost as we felt. I tried to find things that the majority of people in the room would never look at. I noticed that the chair close to me had a ring on the arm-rest. I saw the shadows on the wall and questioned their placement in relation to myself. Gina was all smiles in anticipation of this nights events. Nick ventured across the street to buy beer and I was very surprised to see him walk in with a 6 of Sierra. I didn’t know you could find such a thing downtown. So we relaxed and drank and watched the first act sing uncomfortably onstage. The eyes of the crowd were begging for something delicious to taste but were left with crumbs.
After a short break some guy in a suit announced that poetry was about to be read and that waffles were being made in the back room. We stayed in place. The writers reading their own work seemed like shells of themselves. It was the crunchy outside that made the middle so unsatisfying.
I excused myself to leave the building for a piss. I almost stumbled past this remarkably clean bar until I figured that if there is anyplace to piss at this time of night, it’s this place. I go straight to the bar, order a gin and tonic, and find my way to the pisser. When I come out, much less anxious, I find that a gentleman is sitting where my drink is. The busty blond at the bar laughs and asks the guy to move down. I say I’m sorry and a conversation begins.
“I’m down here for final Friday. They have all the art galleries open for free tonight.”
“Is that what’s going on?”
“I guess there’s a lot going on.”
“You a student?”
”No… well I’m learning to work with glass. I work at this glassblowing studio up on McMillan.”
"Why Glass?"
"It's fucking hot. When the guys are in the hotshop it's this dance with the glass. When I assist, I have to be in step with the blower. The glass is very sensual."
“You must be good with the ladies.”
“I try... sometimes.”
We talked about Cincinnati, bars and women. One of them costing more than the others. We explained our perspectives and respected eachother for our honesty. He said to not get married. He said that things are always different from another angle. He told me about his broken marriage and his struggling daughter. He told me the difference between white women and black women. He bought me a few drinks.
I had left my friends at the gallery but had not forgotten them. They came in and immediately saw that I was involved in an interesting conversation. We ordered a few more drinks and I offered my new bar-friend an alleywalk smoke. He declined with grace and we said our goodbyes. On our walk we found a strange intersection of building that seemed like a sort of courtyard without the yard. We passed the joint around and found ourselves back in the thick of Friday night action.
Base Gallery is a small place with oddly shaped rooms. With the flick of my square I thrust myself through the door not knowing what to expect. The show was an exhibition of high school students’ work and a mingling of other artists as well. The best work I saw were these two silver gel prints of tattoed female torsos’. I almost pulled one of them off the wall to scream the beauty I saw.
“Does it make you wet?” Gina asked me.
“I do not have a moisture problem if that’s what you’re asking.”
We did not stay long and our next stop was far more polka. Nick knew about this bar and so we stroll in past the guy at the door selling over-priced pizza slices. Several guys standing around the place were decked out in leiderhousen and some most excellent suspenders. For some reason one of the guys come over to our table and asked if we wanted to hear some music. I didn’t know if these guys were the bar band of the evening or if they just walked in off the street like we did but I was stoked. They played a couple songs and we sang along to waltzified ‘Satisfaction’ with our beers in the air. It was difficult to leave such a wonderful festive place but we were all well into our drinking and someone had to drive us home. When we got to the car Gina said that she had left her lights on. She set off her car alarm to get in the car and then it wouldn’t start.
I called Graham to rescue us and told Nick and Gina to wait for me while I walked up the street. Graham said he was on his way so I waited on a corner where I knew he would find me. He pulled up after a few minutes and we drove to where Gina’s car had been parked, and was no longer parked. We stopped and questioned eachother as to where Gina and Nick were. We had no idea other than to go where they would be most likely to find us. When we got to the studio and they were not around we decided to go party instead of waiting around.
The last party was pretty lame except for the layers story. That’s just how we do.

Hunter S. Thompson is dead. As I started writing Graham walked in with a heavy stride and sadness on his face. He and I have been having an argument for the past two weeks about art. I don’t really even know what the hell is going on with us, but now our hero is dead. Hunter was an old man on a peacock ranch with satellite television. I have no idea why he decided to die but he did it. I don’t think that Hunter ever expected to survive life but he went out into the world anyway and said what do you got? I feel like being a writer naturally distances one from everything else. I am always listening, and watching and every moment is a possible story. I may not always participate or speak my mind but I am always looking for an angle. Every person I talk to is an encyclopedia of life. Every story is different and experience is the fastest form of knowledge.

why wear white???

me... 8:15am on the roof

roof view

So it's 8 am and I'm still very awake. I just wrote Sara an intoxicated e-mail which I hope comes off as I meant it.
I'm thinking about going to the roof and taking a picture. Today is now and it cannot be wasted or neglected in away way. Last night showed me that anything is possible if you have people who care. If you have 3 people who are passionate about one thing then anything is possible. fuck if you are one person and you care enough about something then it will get done. I'm very passive sometimes. It's rare that I actually take the chance and fucking do something.
John said tonight, "Everything is different now." I know what he means.

Last night I skated the best run of my entire life. I was so loose and I just felt like thrashing. I started skating and as soon as I got on the ramp I just couldn't stop until I fell or couldn't skate anymore. It was so sick. I wish that I could get good pictures of me skating so I could show you. i guess these pics from tonight will have to do.........

"I miss you."
"I know..."

sometimes things change fast as hell and sometimes they just fucking crawl by. I'm not excited about seeing you again. not yet. I wish i was. I've been thinking about faith. Not the mother mary jesus christ kind of faith but do I believe in something enough to die for it. Given the chance I would die for skateboarding, love, freedom, and the ocean because it's the biggest body of water around. Maybe liquid is the only thing that's important to me. I guess that's everything.
There's just not enough time. I'm so impatient yet so non-commital at the same time. I want right now to be the best time of my life. I guess it could be. I want to understand why I make things difficult for myself. This complication is mine. I created it and I can make it stop. unattainable. is it true. I desire these things that I know are not possible. I want to work on a sail boat but I'm 600 miles from the nearest ocean. I want to commit to the studio more than anything I've ever stuck with. Skateboarding has been my one motivation for quite some time and I don't see giving up on it any time soon. No one can tell me I'm wrong about skating because they don't know. They don't know the quiet parking lots at 3 in the morning the way I do. They can't say I failed because I never stopped trying.
I Love life. It sucks sometimes, people suck sometimes, but I am the calm center of my universe. THis is the dark silence that haunts my mind at night. You are the light.