I hiked into the valley today shovel and bucket in hand. On the decent I took off my sandals for more traction. As I passed the offering stone I realized that I had brought nothing with me save some dirt in the bottom of my bucket I sprinkled some dirt and kept walking. It's a long walk back to Morgan's and you must cross the river and water canals several times. I arrived at his doorstep to be told that he was taking a nap. I walked farther and stuck my feet into the river to read my book. I'm reading three books right now. 21 Lessons of Merlin, Hawkin's A Brief History of Time, and Big Sur by Jack Kerouac. These intermingling stories wove their way through my mind as I looked up to the double waterfalls bringing life into the valley. I read for some time and enjoyed the fresh water flowing over my feet. The sky was overcast but it usually is there. After awhile I got up and collected my things and headed back to Morgan's house. He was awake and joyfully invited me in for some ono grinds. Ahi rice and some sort of veggie stuff filled me with delight it was so good. Morgan had other guests so we talked and discussed what we were about to do. On Wed. I loaded some awa (ava, kava) plants into his truck for delivery for me to plant later. We grabbed the plants and tools walking the short distance to where he planned the plants would go. We crossed a loe' (low-e i'm not sure how it's spelled, it's like a rice pattie) to a bank that looked great. Morning shade afternoon sun. We smoked and discussed the light and the dark. I mentioned everything focussing to a grey and he liked it. I told him of my dreams and my fear of moving into the valley. He told me to keep dreaming and the valley will be ready when I'm ready for the valley. It's such a humbling place to be and he really has a mystic connection to the otherworld. THe ancients still reside in that sacred valley watching and breathing life into it and into everything around all of us. The aina (I-nah, land) is always ready for eager hands to work on it. It gives and gives and as I'm standing over this new home for the awa I whisper mahalo mahalo thank you thank you Waipio (y p o) thank you for your blessings. time will answer all questions. My feet are tired but my mind is shining as I head back up the hill. It is difficult and I only stop once for water but I make it. My travels have just started.

I'm changing my mind about the rest of my life every 40 minutes. It's getting very tiring. art school living off the land start a band with my dad sailboat that short story i wrote or poems pomes avec toi late night city walks revolutionary talks guide mind missles at the man. What will I choose?
I buried a dead cow yesterday. Today I go to the rodeo. Tommorow I plant Awa in Waipio and the next day I have no idea. I can walk into a crowded room where everyone wants to talk to me and I'll feel lonely. There have been few souls that made me feel at home and none of them are here. Am I going to be some homeless wanderer for the rest of my days? Where can get get the best return on my investment. I'm feeling old, like my mind doesn't work anymore and my hearing is going just as fast. Will i ever be satisfied with who I am? IS it going to get worse? I don't even know what I want anymore. It's all a dream that seems vaugly in context to something real. I think I'm homesick without a home. I think I'm failing.

it's a blue sky night on this blue sea world. I've been offered land in heaven, and i feel like i can't say no, like it would be some truly tragic existance if i didn't go for it. I'll meet graham in cali in aug. and drive with him back to indiana where he'll drop me off for awhile. I need to be with my dad for awhile before i really take the plunge into living off the land in the valley. I'm scared as shit but that's normal for me when i'm about to do something really good for me. when i don't care is when i get into trouble. i don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail or a slave to money. I'd rather barder my labor for my food than involve any sort of profit from my actions. Although I can make money from selling organic chocolate and other food either via mail, or a horse or a sailboat. I feel like i'm finally going to invest myself in the rest of my life. Make a world nay a glorious life for myself. I said that revolution is growing your own food and now I'm starting to understand what that means. It's a lot of work, but I'll have a lot of time to work in the fields. I'm imagining a treehouse suspended above a 5 ft. miniramp on stilts of course because of the water levels. I'll learn to fish and grow rice and all the vegatables i need. There's a watermill generating electricity so I can play my electric down there no problem. I'll record my music and write odes to waterfalls. I'll surf everymorning take baths in the river at night. I'll turn myself to light... stay tuned.

most of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere amazing that was not where I was at that moment. I look at old pictures of myself and see myself thinking about where I am right now. Hawaii... the ocean... the fire... KAVA...

I feel like a fool tonight. Everyone below is partying and having fun and I'm worried about the gate and the farm and making sure things are secure. Zack gave us all orange tank-top shirts that say SECURITY on the back. I fall over a bench, and I hear someone chuckle because I"M SUpposed to be holding it together. I guess it's all in good sport but I don't appreciate being a mockery.
I guess I'm going to start walking down the hill because I couldn't drive up.


ha[[y mothers day




how does it feel how does it feelto be on your ownwith no direction home acommplete unkonw like a rolling stone

Amanda was updating her blog a couple nights ago and I told her that I don't really read anyone's blogs, she called me an asshole. I read Al's pretty often but mostly I just post here, read my mail, and then get off the computer. It was his birthday a couple weeks ago and I did not wish him happy birthday, in fact I never have. I guess that makes me an asshole too. So in order to try and peak into the lives of others more often I'm putting up a list of everyone's blogs. If you have one that is not on this list please e-mail me the link and I will gladly put it up.
Taylor put up a comment on the music video clip I put up saying that she's watched it 80 billion times and I should be scared. I can't tell if these messages she's sending me are to make me feel better about myself for having a gorgeous women write to me, or she's a pseudo-stalker. Either way I'm glad that she thinks about me. I really wish I knew her better. I mean I talked to her like once in person and a couple times on the phone and she says "I think I Love you." I think that's awesome.

So this week we're preparing for the big Kava party that we're having on the cliffs. We hung up tarps for rain cover and build the fire circle. Tonight is Matt's last night so we're gonna get drizzunk! I'm kindof tired so I might lay down or take a shower. Amanda is having fun except for occassional boredom, but I'm going through that too. My health has taken a dramatic turn for the worst I fear. I feel week and my face is all broken out. I generally feel like ripping my face off. I'm itchy and pathetic feeling. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away any time soon but hopefully I'll get better.

The sun is warming the right side of my face this morning as I look out to endless sea. I imagine someone in california looking this way seeing what's between us. big puffy clouds loom over the horizon and i wonder how far and large they are. i am the line that seperates mauka and makai, mountain and monstrous sea. Ripples slither my way so gentle from my view yet I know they crash with mist spray and churning delight on black rock below. I feel a trembling underfoot and think of Pele but realize that the beast is not the earth spewing goddess but just this dirty dog belly. I skratch my hairy face dry skin salt lick from sweat. I smoke away my failure to quit.
It's still early and I'm the only one out of bed. soon the warehouse will be busy with breakfast smells and public radio news, waiting for the bathroom. sunday brings few plans and little action sofar, perhaps i'll go to the cliffs. at the end of the gully stands a good 40 ft. drop to the crashing waves below. For some fucked reason the locals that were last down there cut out rope ladder. i will have to free climb down to get it and i'm not looking forward to it. I hear movement and maybe I can get the troops to venture with me.
Sharp spear and I get near the leaving. We gather our tools for fishy murder, snorkel and mask. So into the jeep we bump our way down to the cliffs. Once we limbo under the fence line it's into the gully climbing down large roots and rocks of all sizes. you'll notice the water marks tracing there way to the ocean. since the ladder had been cut we threw a rope down the cliff and climbed down. We all got out onto this big rock where tubloads of water rained down on us. We laugh so hard because the water pushes us around with it's force. We stayed for quite some time cheering for big waves until they started getting bigger. They were already good 10 ft. waves and the big ones were coming in at least 15 ft. We scrambled back up the cliff before they got too big and swallowed us whole into the whitewash below. Topside was sun and rock climbing and a nap. I took some pictures and video of pools and a rock sculpture I made.

I've been sick the past couple days. Sleeping mostly. Amanda will be here on Thur. and I hope I'm better by then. Everyone went out on there typical weekend excursions to all parts of the island while I laid on my futon. I wake up sweating and my bones feel like lead. I spent an hour last night trying to vomit hoping it would make me feel better. It did not. At least it's the week-end and I don't have to try to work while I feel like this.

thoughts thinking in a manner of speaking
Hamakua coast dreams pounding like fat raindrops
on tin sin say it a gain cruise in aloha grin morning
sing to the sky
water reflection connection density disection makes rainbows
my mind goes grows tree covered rows for glory
high slow down low day in the sun I feel fine and fine
oh yeah I give my mighty YALP
watch it hit the sea and shimmer glipse the glimmer
in black stone lava swirls down the coast curl border between liquid and land
what are my crazy adventures without my crazy friends lonely
but this is a sardine can world full of slime
little dead fish pieces
foil foibles free slide rule reality
what's to measure memory
we are the wi-fi network interface
gratuitous space
post post haste my letters home
or what's left of it

While I was in Kona last week I met this smoking hot girl named Jenny. She's from Miami and is spending the week on the island. We talked and hit it off but I had to leave to be back at the farm the next day. She gave me her number and I walked away wanting more.
A couple days later I called and she was surprised. Hot girl gives me her phone number, how could I not call. I told her that I would be back in Kona on thur. or fri. and she said she was excited to hang out with me again. I mentioned beers, she said she was stoked. I figure I'll call her and meet her at the Kava bar and then walk down to the beach. Finally someone that can carry on a conversation and look good doing it.

In other news I'm going through music withdraw. The radio here (as with most places) completely sucks. The only thing even resembling rock and roll is the Nu-Metal that gets played on the local clear-channel station. Vomit. THere's a record store in Waimea that I'm going to have to check out. I'm interested in the new Built to Spill cd and also I heard that Portishead has a strange new albumn. I'm sure that Amanda is not only going to have good music with her but also a lot of stuff I've never heard. I've been playing acoustic stuff with Kyle and that's been a lot of fun.

I worked on a painting tonight that I'm pretty happy with. I need some color as it is just black and white. My creative thoughts have been on my longhouse for the past couple weeks. I started it on Sat. and got some of the posts cut and stripped. I spotted out the location for my supports and I think it's going to work out well. I'll post pictures.
I was talking to my brother and he recently got interviewed for a blog documentary or a documentary about the people who started this damn thing. He made history in the first couple years of his blog by posting pictures he took with a watch-camera he has.

I miss drink and dialing my friends. unless I get drunk at like 8 or 9 at night it's too late to call anyone back home.
Someone drink and dial me damn-it!

I went to see the Clestine Prophesy movie last night. It was a one night showing presented by the Hawaii Spiritual Cinema. The opening shots of rain forest were beautiful but I immediately got the "Left Behind" feel from the film quality. I payed $10 to see the movie when I probably only would have paid 4 had I known better. The premise of the film is that an ancient manuscript is found in Peru and the church, government, and archeologist are all fighting for the right to have the scrolls. A laid off high school history teacher somehow finds his way to Peru to search for the scrolls himself. Typical american in Peru gets captured by rebels kind of thing happens and he has to find his way to the ancient ruins where the scrolls were originally found. The idea is good. You know be cool to one another and we will have a jump in human conscience. We can evolve out of our waring hateful ways.
Otherwise it's raining here today and I have to work.

THis building is located at the top of the farm. We also have a warehouse with kitchen, bathroom, and a dry closet for our extra stuff. I'm sitting in the office right now at the old-school barely 56k comp also in the office we have a drum kit and some guitars. All of this is with-in 100 yards of the main road that goes around the island.
So then on work days we all hop in the back of a truck and ride the 1/2 mile down to the fields. From the lowest kava field is a 200 yard walk to the cliffs which is about a 700 ft. drop straight down to the ocean.
Tues. is our first work day of the week. We get up around 6, 6:30 AM
have breakfast and then Zach shows up around 7AM huge as life. He's very exuberant. We have our joint meeting and discuss what we're going to do for the day and head down at 8AM. I'll tell you what we did last week.
We've been cutting down a field of trees to make room for new Noni plants. (noni is a strange fruit that ferments itself like vinagar, good for the immune system among other things) We got the tractor and dug holes for the new plants. Some of us moved to the middle field to work on our new project of planting Vanilla. We're planting them around these smaller trees for shade and so the vines will grow up the branches. Sage brought the other tractor down and tilled the Kava field. The grass had gotten really tall so this was the easiest way to get rid of it. Then we go through the fields weeding and checking the irrigation lines. A lot of the farm that we're working with has been worked on for 3 to 5 years so it's just a matter of keeping the weeds down. It's not hard work and we have a lot of fun. We have some people who try to do as little as possible and that's really annoying. I care about this place quite a bit, and I want to see progress rather than just trying to keep up with the work we already have. Everything moves in cycles. There's one growing season here and it's all year long.
As for whats around. Honoka'a is a small village 2 miles up the road. There's a grocery, post-office, movie theatre (it's only open 4 days a week), a pizza place that's very over-priced, a cafe, library, and that's about it. Everything is more expensive here so I usually don't buy things unless I really have to or to get taro-banana pancakes at the cafe because they're so damned delicious. The only two things that are cheaper here than on the mainland is Coffee and Sushi. I like them both very much so I'm stoked.
There is so much beauty here to see. I've been a couple places but I mostly stay around the farm or go to Waimea to skate. Zach bought us a car last week. It's a 4 seater two-door but it's got a nice stereo cd player. I'm going to throw down some cash for insurance and then we can take it wherever. I want to put a rack on top so I can take a surf-board places. I've been hitch-hiking which is amazingly a pretty reliable way to get around. Either way it's pretty easy to get anywhere on the island you would want to go.

I have paint on my hands for the first time since cincy. Hmm the last time I painted was on my scroll. I wonder if Nick still has it? I took a bunch of scrap wood from the shop and painted them white waiting for the colors to come. I'm not a very good painter at all so practice practice.
My friend Amanda M. is coming out to live on the farm. I'm so excited about seeing her again. It's been like 3 years. I have a lot of stories for her as I'm sure she has more than of few of her own. Something about the 812... I don't miss it. I think she'll like it out here and really get into the farm. She's honestly the last person I thought would want to come out her. I don't know why, I guess I just imagine her living in a city. OF course I never thought that Strick would get married either.

I called Cera a couple weeks ago and told her that I was going to move in with her in Aug. It would be such a mistake to move back to the midwest. I would be miserable and dissapointed with myself for not moving west. I feel bad that I told her that but I was freaking out. Hell I'm stoked that she offered though. I miss her. I miss everyone. You mother fuckers will just have to come visit me.

Leslie. That song I sang that night at the Southgate House... It's coming true sooner than I expected.

So today I worked my first day in the woodshop. It was a lot of cleaning and cleaning but it was fun to look at all the tools and machinery. I'm drunmk. After work we came h9ome to take a shower and then went back to the shop. We playeeds music fro a while and it was fun. dust booogers.


Master of his own universe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Artwork: GreyIII Scale unknown

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom the emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed. The insight into the mystery of life, coupled though it be with fear, has also given rise to religion. To know what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty, which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their most primitive forms- this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness."
-Albert Einstien

I'm working with
half finished phrases
sunny rainy days
everything feels
like hesitation
I breath
I walk
I stare out at nothing
in particular
It's the sea-view
no clue lifestyle
that's bothering me
how can I work my way
out of this wet paper bag
I was destined
for this
I made it so
I let it all go
now I don't have
anyone to hold onto

I've been building
in my brain
a ship made from rain
and dirt and sky
why do I feel so content
no rent
no bills
no more amphetemine pills
to string me out
just as I get used to
a place I decide I need to leave

what's this life
that I'm leading
reading all the road signs
wrestle with all the lines
that I'm trying to write
what's right
no more light
to lead
me on
go home
roam alone
no bone
to pick
new stick
sick sick sick sick sick
it feels less like adventure
now that I've arrived

I gave my dad the address for this page. I've been writing here for around 4 years now and not once has he read any of it. Well here it is dad the unedited unscripted sometimes a bit rambling thought transmission to the universe at large.



This is me and Shaka my adopted Military Mackaw. He's got quite temper but for some reason he likes me pretty well.

My writing has completely stopped. I have some stories about some places here on the island that I've adventured to but no words seem to really express my joy in being here. It's kindof wierd how stoked I am every day that I wake up. It's not something I'm used to. Actually I miss wondering if I would make it through the day, or rather I miss trying hard. Most things are really easy-going here and I miss the intensity of the city. Chaos is something I enjoy and I take great amusement watching it happen around me.
THere has been some drama here... This Jamacan man named Congo moved onto the farm and at first he seemed like he would be a great person to have around. We were quite open to him but it was hard to understand what he was saying at times. This made him angry and that was just the start. He tried to convince us that we were the enemy and that it was his mission to end slackerdom such as ours. He raised a machette at me when I asked him why he wasn't working one day and then he left the farm. I let out a sigh of relief until the next week when he came back. Things adjusting and just when I thought things might be cool he storms into the warehouse screaming about corn. THat's right I said corn. Apparently he planted some corn in a weedy area in the garden and then Tai ran over it with the tractor. $3 worth of corn seed churned back into the earth and this guy freaks! He brandished once again a machette at Tai telling him he has to re-plant the corn. Tai is confused and scared but doesn't back down. THe next day Zach told Congo to leave. What a mess. No body parts were lost in the making of this story. Now Go Home!!

Woodford Music Festival

round-trip expenses about $8,000


anyone what to give me a loansky?

"Life on a manor was extremely hard for a peasant. It consisted of work and family life. Approximately ninety percent of the people in the middle ages were considered to be peasants. There was a division of the peasants into free and a type of indentured servants. The free peasants worked in their own independent businesses, usually as carpenters, blacksmiths, weavers, or bakers. They paid the lord a type of rent for using their small plots of land. The other, unfree peasants lived on the land without paying any money, but worked for the lord, earning their stay.
The large amount of land surrounding the castle provided a means for peasants to acquire enough money and food to live by farming. In fact, this is another extension of the fief idea. The average farmer was given a plot of land on which he could farm. He also got a sense of security by living near a castle and potential protection from danger. They also had the privilege of passing their land on through inheritance after their deaths. They had grazing and field rights around their village. They also had right to building materials in the area. They did not have right to hunt most wild game, however.
The lord also had a great deal of control over his peasants, known as serfs. In fact, the serfs were almost like slaves to the feudal lord. He had the right to grant marriages, tax anytime or anything, and to force them to use mills or ovens that he owned. He most often made his serfs work his own land."
http://library.thinkquest.org/10949/fief/lofeudal.html

THe waves are pretty chill today and so am I. I've been quiet today. Thinking about being lonely but I need to focus on my own actions. I miss the deep connection I shared with my friends. Everything (again) here is so transitory what is real one day is gone the next. It's like the rain. It'll rain for some of the day but the rest will be sunny. I want to share these emotions with someone. It's the same thing I wanted back in the natti just seems like less possibilities here. Less time.
I need someone to desire to care abour to hold at night while we dream together. I read my tarot last night and it was all transition new adventure stuff. All quite applicable to my current channel. I've got to relax about people. I've tried to to rid myself of my insecurities about my past. It's all bullshit drama that other people caused. I have to release these painful memeories that affect my relations with new people.
Speaking of new people. I have my eye on a very interesting attractive woman. I've never dated a red-head before and I think this girl is totally my stlye. I don't know if she's into me but I'll take it slow and find out more about her. She came out here for dolphins. That's hot.

My attempts to get someone I love to come to Hawaii have failed.
"I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for New England
I'm just looking for another girl
I'm just looking for another girl"
Billy Bragg

SO I guess I'll just have to find some hot middle-aged woman to satisfy my thirst.

Things are moving along here and it feels like I've been here a year already. What's the difference?

I'm tired.

We went to Hounounou to snorkle and I felt like I was in a big aquarium with the claymation fish from Life Aquatic.

Picture Pages Picture Pages...

Elise was so kind to post pictures from the last week she was here.
I miss you.













the group photo is Tai, Elise, Sarah, Me, Thomas, Dean at Waipio.


Hope you enjoy!
Thanks Elise

Sat. Thomas and I went to Waimea to see about a pick-up soccer game. We got there about 2:30 after a perfect ride with an interesting woman named Danelle. I skated for a while just easy going and rolling around until I sat down for awhile. Thomas and I kept checking his watch and looking around to see anyone with a ball. Around 3:30 we saw them gathering on the other side of the field. I changed into shorts and we walked over. This girl Meagan that I talked to on Myspace had told me about the game and I saw her there. Her profile says that she's 23 but I wouldn't put her a day over 17. I didn't talk to her and the game started. We had 20 people so the teams worked out well. I positioned myself left midfield and thomas on the other team right mid. We played hard and the rain came misting its way across the grass. 30 minutes into the game the sweat and rain had me soaked. I was playing in my Vans so I was sliding all over the place. I had so much fun. I almost threw up a couple times and at half-time I was done.
On our way out of Waimea we stopped at a grocery store so I could pick up some Australian wine for Elise. She carded me and saw that it was expired. No go. Fuck!!! I'll be looking into get a Hawaii ID as soon as possible. SO we walked across town to this liquor store but it was closed. I saw a gas station across the way and I told Thomas to wait with my stuff while I went to get at least a 40oz. As I walked out of the store Hounani pulled up with Thomas inside. We get home, get drunk, I talk to Elise for a couple hours, I pass out.
Thai and I had to go to Kona the next day and as we were going through Waimea what do I see but my damn skateboard sitting in front of that liquor store. WooHoo!! We harvested Kava and came home.
Elise leaves today and she's been filming stuff before she goes. She's taking it back to N.Y. with her to edit it together. If she makes dvd copies I send some out... if you're lucky!

2 AM Sunday Feb. 19th

It's 7 degrees in Cincy right now.
A tenth planet was discoverd by a telescope up the mountain.
I have a sunburn and I live in a tent.

Tonight was interesting. This french girl invited Tai and the rest of us to this party in Puna. Dea Matt Thomas Tai and I were ready to go when Dean shows up with this guy Ross. So we all rearrange ourselves for the road. Thomas Ross and I are in the back of this datsun pickup with a camper on it. in the bed is a raised platform like a bunk bed so we're all laying down next to eachother under a canopy. Thomas and I ate some mushrooms and about 30 minutes into the ride I started feeling it. I felt like we were going really fast and the camper was making all sorts of noise. I started humming to the sound of the road which turned into ohm. I was starting to get nervous about this shaking box travelling 60 mph that I was laying in. The tone in my head was calming and it started to delay. I started the ohm again and added a higher octave which sustained. I sperated the ohm into 7 tones which reverberated my mind to a stillness. I laughed out loud. After what felt like forever we arrived and I was fuzzy. As soon as I got out of the truck I could here the music drifting down the street. There were quite a few people standing around so I chose a good vantage point on a low wall across the street. Dreads chains robes suits short skirts and a few locals walking by. Since I was expecting to go to a party I was surprised to be standing in front of this bar called "shaka's." THis isn't a party I said to my companions. THey said sure it is look at all these people. "Yeah... It's a bar. You don't have a party at a bar, it's just a bar. This is what happens." I was not ready for a bar so I told my friends to check it out and let me know. Milling around the side of the building there was a wall with some tags on it. there were 3 good pieces and then a bunch of crap. THis guy was standing there. "They got this wrong bro." I walked over to what he was looking at and saw in very stick letters Puna Killers i said what's wrong with it. "It should say Puna Killa's" I cracked up but he didn't think it was that funny so I walked away. When they came backDea had forgotten her ID and the cover was $10 for some crappy DJ. No fucking way was I about to pay 10 bucks. I walked around and watched the girls walk by. Pahoa is hippie central so I was less than excited about the scene in general. There were a couple people I would have talked to but I just didn't feel like it.

Tue. 2:45 Feb. 21
I cut my knee open with a chainsaw today. We were working in f1 and almost done for the day. I was careless and when I went to put the body of the saw on my leg the blade nicked me. At first I just thought a brach had hit me until the pain stuck around. I looked down to see two cuts in the top of my knee. I hobbled back to the truck and we headed back up. Yesterday was great. When I got up and into the warehouse Tai said that he was going to harvest kava and I could make $20 so we went down to the fields and got 11 plants. Everyone else left the farm by afternoon so Tai and I went into Honaka'a. THe first stop was a jewel shop run by Tai's friend Meadow. After that we went to the propane store to get propane. Tai had not been to this shop so we looked around while a guy filled our tank. Tai and I looked at some solar power gear when this frazzled blonde woman comes out of the back to greet us. Tai asked her a few questions and then asked if she had a service person. She said no and that she had been getting calls all day explaining to people why she can't service their broken shit. Tai told her that he does repair work and she nearly jumped over the counter to hug us both. They talked shop for a moment then pulled us outside to look at the pile of broken stuff. Immediatly I was struck by this Makaw Parrot sitting there. He walked towards Tai and I and then passed him to get to me. Beth told us that his name is Shaka and he doesn't really like people but she said he seemed to like me. SHe told me to try to get him on my shoulder so I stoked his feathers and asked him to hop on which he carefully did. "He loves you" she said and then they continued their conversation while I walked around with Shaka. We were almost ready to go and I asked Beth how I was going to get Shaka off my shoulder. She told us that there was no way anyone was getting him off me and I might as well take him home with me. I thought she was joking but when we tried he dug his talons into my should and would bite anyone getting close to him. I talked to him for awhile and then asked him to let me go and that I would be back to see him soon. I walked to his perch and gently slid him off my shoulder. He's so awesome. Dea had a camera phone so next time I see him I'll get a picture and post it.
I've been talking to Elise more and trying to get her to open up. She rarely tells a story so when she does I'm all ears. I don't know if it's me or if she's just like that (she says she doesn't express herself with words so how the hell am I supposed to know what's going on with her) or maybe she just doesn't want to tell her stories I know she's got some good ones. She walks like she knows where she's going and she smiles at me like she can see my soul. I like it. I like her. She's leaving on Tues. I will miss her.

Thurs. 5ish Feb. 23

It was a good day working. THings are moving faster and smoother but Tai doesn't seem to think so. When I got into the warehouse this morning he was ranting about all sorts of stuff. I listened quietly and tried to get him to chill out. It ended up draining me before I even really woke up. We spent the morning cleaning and organizing since it was raing but it cleared up after luch so we went down to the fields. From where we've been cutting down trees the area looks so much more open.
I feel more and more at home here every day. What we do makes sense. The barder system is quite alive in Hawaii and if you can create or fix something you're prime. So I have this oil lamp now and every night I light it so that I can write listen to music or read. In 'Big Sur' Jack talks about this burrow named Alf in the valley he stays in. There's one in Waipio Valley with the horses. We stayed for awhile last night but then it started raining. They have PBR on the Island!! I really don't have the sense of being out in the middle of the pacific ocean far away from the rest of the world. Everyone calls my tent the snoopy tent. I love it.
Elise went to Kona today and she siad that she'll be back tommorow. I'm pretty damned lonely feeling and another great girl out the door. The ones that stick around tend to be the ones that are not very good for me.

Today I went to Wiamea to the skatepark. I skated for 3 hours straight which is something I have not done in a long time. Dea and I hitched back to the farm and we're all getting ready to go to this dance party. Elise has been talking about wanting to dance since I got here and now she's going to miss it because she went to Volcano today.
I'm ready to meet some fresh hotties and let them take advantage of me and my considerable lack of game. I don't know what the girls here are like so It's all new to me. We're listening to Soul Coughing and it always reminds me of Cera. I listened to them with Graham too.
I'm going to work at some ladies house tommorow doing some landscaping. I'll make $100. Dea told me that I can have mail sent General Delivery to Honakaa and just go pick it up myself so I might be doing that instead of Zach getting my mail. It's seemed to cause some problems and maybe it's my fault or just miscommunication.

The farm is growing on me fast (no pun intended) I really like it here and I feel like I'm not an outsider for the first time in my life. Feels like home already. It's strange that I ran away from the farms of home to end up at a farm a fourth of the way around the globe. I think I'm supposed to be here. I've been dreaming of islands most of my life and now that I'm here it's exactly what I want it to be. I think that the movement to go back to sustainability is strong and the people here really understand what that means. We live in a world of chaos controlled by the elite for their gain only. They want us all to be slaves to the machine. I'm glad i'm out here away from things. I've been thinking a lot about selfishness and how I can be more involved with the world but I'm thinking that I'll leave the world alone for awhile to think about what it has done.
Go to your room!

That's where I keep all my stuff.

As Miranda so Poetically brought to my attention that tommorow is Valentines Day... I say Everyone have some hot sex for me because I'm not gettin' any.
Yesterday Elise and I hitch-hiked to Pahoa to find out about a full moon drum circle party. After we got to Pahoa this guy informed us that most likely there would be a party at Kahena beach and he could take us close to it. As we were driving I saw a sign for Lava Tree State Park and asked the guy what it was. He pulled in and I thought he was going to get out and walk with us for a moment and then take us farther but he wished us luck and left. So we walked around this park which was really cool. In the 1800's a lava flow came through this wooded area and somehow cooled around the flaming trees and left behind shells of the trunks. Looking around you can see some that are standing and some are on the ground where the lava downed the tree and then consumed it.
So we got back on the road and saw some people milling around at this unihabited fork in the road. As we walked towards them I saw that a very large pic was laying dead next to the road with this big jolly hawaiian guy standing watch. He pointed us in the right direction and we walked. I at this point begin to question whether or not we'll ever make it to this 'beach' but say nothing. We walk for quite a ways until this guy in a honda accord pulls up and Elise knows him. We talk and the lady in the passenger seat had broken her arm and was on a lot of drugs for pain. SHe asked us about the fairy in the tree and we laughed. I felt bad for laughing because I know she was in pain but the stuff she was saying was out there. So we get to the beach and to my amazment the fucking sand is black as night. Damn black sand. It was crazy but I liked it. We sat and listened to the few drummers that were there and then some dolphins swam past us. I have never seen a dolphin in all of my life and to see them swimming together and jumping around was totally trippy. I watched as people were swimming and these two kids tried to boogie board. THe waves were strange they were like 5ft. waves breaking straight to the sand so you could do anything except get punished by these waves. I eventually decided to go out in the water and when I did the dolphins came back so I swam out as far as I thought would be safe and saw them swimming like 20 yards from me. I could hear them in the water. I couldn't believe it.
So we found out that there was no drum circle party and we hitch-hiked back home.
Today I woke up and decided to walk down to the cliffs. I asked if anyone else wanted to go and Sarah said that she would. We walked down to the cedar grove and hunted for mushrooms. I found a glass jar and so we put what we found in it. We hiked down into the gully where there's several waterfalls and then like a 20ft. drop to the rocks and waves. There's no water running through the gully so we got down to the last cliff easily. We stood there for awhile watching and looking at the intense white swirling mass below when Sarah looked at me and said, "so we're going down there right?" I replied "Yeah but i'm getting naked down there." because there's a rope ladder and rocks to negotiate to get down to the tide pools and my feet are still quite sensitive to sharp pointy things like lava rock. We get down and I strip to get in the water. The first wave that comes up almost pulls me out but I hold on tight. We found a crevise to situate our naked selves into and watched as the waves came up and around us.
We pulled ourselves out of the gully and walked back up to the building where I promptly made a pb-shroom sandwich. The rest of the afternoon I watched the sky and the ocean a lot and then laid down to listen to music. I threw in Death Cab for Cutie and thought about snowy cincy and all my chilly friends. I miss you all and I love you dearly.
SO tonight will be chill b/c we have to work in the morning. I think we're taking plants from the green-house down to the fields to plant. I'm excited. Some soup awaits me and I think we're going to watch a movie.

I'm sitting in the office right now looking out a window to the ocean. It's cool right now (63 degrees) but it will warm up as afternoon comes. I woke up with the sun this morning and stumbled my way to have coffee in the building. It's basically a large garage with a big walk-in closets in it. We have a bathroom two stovetops, two sinks, a refrigerator, a deep-freezer, a pantry and a large mill-wood dining table. The shower is outside and has a large volcano rock for us to stand on and the water to hit before running off into the ground.
The farmland itself sits down along the cliffs. We are working with 3 main fields right now but that will most likely increase when more people come. The two Kava fields are next to eachother but are different. One has a large net over top to provide some shade as the Kava likes 70% shade. The other has a natural tree canopy that we mantain along with the plants. Driving down to the cliffs is an adventure every work-day. The road is super bumpy and several of us are always in the back of the truck. It's fun though.
Our sleeping area is under a shed about 8 cars long. There is styrofoam/cardboard/plywood as a 'floor' and we all have our tents set up there. Today is Sunday so I do not work until Tue. I think Elise and I will be going to Pu'una today to hang out and then there's a naked full moon drum circle.
The cast of characters: (as of now)

Tye is the alpha male. He's been here for a year now and he knows everything that is going on. He plays bass and we've been jamming almost every night. He really wants to write some songs with me. He was at one time an ordained christian minister and now he's a bhuddist. I've not gotten any details about that yet.

Elise is out here from New York where she goes to school. She's only going to be here for another month before going back. She's a cute blonde with a good sense of humor and I often laugh with her about nothing at all.

Sara is the hottest girl. Shes 19 and has a boyfriend back home that she's trying to break up with. I've had some cool conversations with her and I'm starting to get over her hottness and appreciate her for being a great person. SHe's only here for another 2 months. She's enrolled at Antioch College which is near cincy when she goes back I'm giving her Graham's phone number. See what he thinks of her.

Rose is a computer nerd and really does not belong here. She complains constantly and she doesn't like any of us. She a pissed off unattractive lesbian.

Dea is a dready hilarious girl that is almost punk-rock. I can't decide if she wants me or not. She's sortof with this guy here at the farm Dean but she's certainly made eyes at me a few times. I think she's hot. She's super fun and free.

Dean is the quintecential surfer stoner type. He doesn't surf though. He's blonde and he looks like the missing character from Scooby-Doo mysteries. I'm not sure what his deal is. He talks often about how he doesn't read and can't play scrabble.

Zack is the boss man and he's fucking hilarious. After work on Wed. we go down to Waipio Valley to the beach to swim and smoke and drink Kava.

Well I hope that satisfies everyone's lust for knowledge about what the hell I'm doing. I still don't know.

umm I don't know. I'm having a good time....


I'm sortof writing some stuff down about the farm but it's not going so well I'll get back with you later.

Ensenada, Baja Mexico 6PM Jan. 27

Al and I are in our Hotel room watching music videos. It's been a good day so far. When we got here we walked for awhile and found a cigar shop. I recognized some bands and I asked Al what he had tried. He had tried a couple and reached for the Trinidads. We lit them before leaving the store and the flavor was quite different from any other cigar I've ever had. People like Cubans for a reason. We continued to walk down the street when a guy came up and said that we should sit down with a good drink to enjoy with our cigars. Al thought it over for a moment and agreed. Al ordered a fine scotch and I sat down with my smoke. We sat for quite awhile talking to Frank and I enjoyed it quite a bit. He lived in Seattle for awhile and spoke english as a first language. We talked about civilizations, folklore and Alchemy. After we left we got some food and went back to the hotel.

Later that night 3AM

Holy shit. It's like 3 at night and Al's fucking with the heater that does not work. "Everything smells like cigarette smoke." This does not bother me and neither does the fact that we both came back unaccompanied. I met this girl Maricela at the first bar we went to. When we first walked in we were pointed towards the lame half of the bar where 12 old people were sitting around. I'm getting ahead of myself though because the first thing we did was go into a strip club. I speak no spanish at all and this certainly creates confusion for me. The girl dancing was ok but the girl that came up to talk to us was by far the most attractive in the whole place. She was standing next to me and leaned over me to speak with Al. She was beautiful and she put her hand out to me. I shook my head no, not really understanding what it was that she wanted. "Shake her fucking hand man." I appologized and shook her hand feeling very stupid. She sat down on Al's lap and I watched the girl on stage. There was a very tall pole in the middle of the stage and 15 ft. up was this girl taking her top off and she gracefully slid down.
We carried on down the street and stepped into the above mentioned bar the Papas' and Beer. After we were shafted into the loser side of the bar we asked a few questions and were led into the other half. THis place was packed with hot girls. There were seriously 30 women to every one guy. We immediately ordered a tequila shot and some cerveza. The band on stage was playing some funky stuff so I slid my way through the girl-soaked place to check out the scene. The dance floor was already hopping and we got in the mix with little effort. THis place was loud and the lights were bright so many sexy latino girls I had no idea where to start. I was really confused. So far from home all I could do was dance. I watched this girl in a jean jacket and tight pants as I danced close to her our eyes met. She automatically seemed disinterested in me but I had a feeling about her. I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes because she was out and talked to her over the huge sound of guitar and bass coming out of the speakers 10 ft. away. She was leaving and told me to come to the 'mini-bar' a block away. I looked at the rest of the girls in the place and decided that talking to Maricelawould be more fun that throwing what little game I had to the wind. I found her quickly and we talked for awhile about culture and racism and other things like Madonna. I really enjoyed the fact that she was so open to talk to me even though I don't speak a sentence of her language. I went back to find Al who I had left behind and didn't see him in the bar. I walked 10 blocks back the hotel only to find him not there. I walked back up to the bar and see him standing outside. I am quite intoxicated by this point and laughing about nothing at all. Al said that some ladies were going to meet us at a different bar so we tried to find it. As we were walking up to the door the girl that Al had been talking to was sitting in a car outside and she said that she had to go pick up a friend. We went into this kareoke bar and I ordered a beer. We sat there for what seemed like forever and I suggested that we bail so we did and I passed out on the couch in the room.

the next day

was pretty chill. we slept in and watched the Thomas Crowne Affair which I enjoyed and then went out to a nice breakfast before hitting the road. I didn't start feeling hungover until we were sitting in line at the border. We made it back safe and I took a nap before calling my friend Lisa. I rode the bus down to OB to see her and she was getting ready to go see a friend of her's play a show. I sat in her house for a long time looking at her room-mates and talking every once in awhile. I felt like shit. I was sitting on this really comfortable couch and I had no desire to move at all. Eventually I called Al and had him pick me up. Later we went to this punk bar and heard the first bad. After the set I had this to say to the guitar player outside, "Hey man you should fire your singer." he asked why and I threw out, "Because he fucking sucks!" Now at this point I expected one of two things to happen: either he was going to tell me to go fuck myself or he was going to laugh. "well a lot of people don't think so." that's what he had to say. What a puss. "oh ok" I said and then Al and I start cracking up. After that we met up with Lisa and some other bar in which I sat outside in the breeze way smoking her cigarettes and drinking Budweiser that she was buying me. I had this funny conversation with a skater dude which lead to us insulting and generally offending anyone within earshot. I drank someone's Vodka and Al left the bar to go home. Lisa and I and her Point Loma H.S. alumni friends ended up closing the bar and walking to some guys apartment where I got into a really weird conversation. THis guy came up to me and told me that he wants to live amongst the black people so that he can create real contemporary folk-music. His logic was so poor that I was boggled and eventually gave up and told him he should do it and even wished him luck on his venture. I went with Lisa and her friend Kelli down to OB to hang out some more until I was about to pass out. I think Lisa wanted me to stay but she has a room-mate and waking up in OB would have been more trouble than it would be worth so I asked her to drive me back home. Her driving was not so good and when we pulled up I invited her in to crash for a bit before she drove anymore. that was at 7am and I woke up at 9:30. I'm very tired now and I'm going to sleep.

I'm not sure what kind of communication they have at the farm but I'll be there on Tuesday morning. I'll be sending post-cards in the snail mail to everyone I have an address for and if you would like to write me send me an e-mail with your street address so that I can write you something first.

Nick C... My writing only gets better from here on out.

I got to San Diego on Tue. and my brain was so melted that I just took a shower and passed out. On wed. Al worked and I did laudry and skated downtown. Thur. I went to OB for awhile and hung out with some street kids. We walked out to the cliffs and smoked, it was nice. I've been congested since the bus trip and it's been irritating but I think now i'm starting to get over it. Fri. Al took off work and we went to Mexico. We stayed the night after some dancing and drinking and then came back on Sat. I went down to OB again to see Lisa and skated a little. We went out to a couple bars last night and I got home at 6AM to wake up at 9:30 ish. We celebrated Chinese new year today with Al's friends. We ate so much food.
I leave tommorow.

I'm freaked out.

I Love You all...

I have a lot more written about San Diego but I don't have time right now.
Later

Phoenix, AZ 8:15 AM Jan. 24

I've gotten little sleep and I'm about to start to last leg of a 6 hour trip. The guy on the other side of the bus just did that cross thing on his chest, what's that called? There was this girl sitting in front of me from Dallas to here and she often spoke to herself. I thought she was just mumbling until I started listening. She was speaking for two distinct voices, a mother and a daughter. I thought that was weird enough but then she started making these noises. Puh hu ha ah... sortof a whimper or cry but then I realised that she was laughing. What she was laughing about I'll never know but it was irritating.
Texas is the deadest damned place I've ever seen. Dead cars dead houses, buisnesses, farm machinery, oil drill parts, dead grass, dead gas stations, it seemed like the air itself was dead. Hardly anyplace looked inhabited. I almost tried to get some weed while I was in Dallas. This guy came up to me and asked if I needed some green. I said yeah but just a dime or something. He walked around the corner so I asked the eminem looking cat watch my stuff. I turned the corner and a new guy was standing there with the guy I had alreay talked to. "here's the deal" I felt like I was getting ripped off just by talking to this guy. "I can only do a quarter, you understand, It's some hydro." I asked the guy how much and he said "25 but I'll do 20 for you, we just can't be standing around this is primetime for the cops you know, my man'll just go round the corner and get it, what do ya say." 1.. 2.. No man, I'm just going to pass. I'm not sure that he was going to scram with my 20 bill but I couldn't afford to find out. Weedless and annoyed I tried to sleep. Texas is all day long and our last stop was in El Passo. I needed a fucking drink and announced so to the people standing around smoking ciggarettes. This Gene Wilder looking guy told me that there's a cantina down the street. Shady and I had been exchanging stories of general knowledge and torture so I asked him if he wanted to go with me. He jumped to and as soon as we got out of the parking lot we saw the glorious neon glow of a Corona sign. I ordered two and looking at a map of El Passo I saw that we were within spitting distance from Mexico. I was glad to be on this side. We got back on the bus and the beers helped me to sleep. I woke up shortly before this town called Calexico. We had an hour layover so I walked around for a bit. The town had a border crossing and I couldn't find any signs in English. I went up to what I thought was a burrito place and stepped inside. There was this old asian guy frying something behind the counter and I said hello. He mumbled something and I looked around. What I would assume to be his wife came out from the back room and said something to me. "I just want a burrito." she looked at me and said no shaking her head. I was puzzled and walked out the door. The rest of the day was uneventful except for the guy with a Jesus Saves tattoo with needle marks in it.

I arrived unscathed in San Diego and It was fucking beautiful!!!

6:30 AM Dallas, TX Jan. 23

I woke up startled and immediately decided to check my bus ticket not so surprisingly my bus was to leave Nashville that day. I got dressed and told Micah. He had to work at noon so Ingrid told me that she would take me. Micah and I smoked a parting bowl and we dropped him off at work. We had some time to kill before I needed to be at the station and Ingrid said she needed to go to the library so I had her point me in the direction of a bar. I'm starting to feel comfortable on a bar stool. I sat down to a mostly empty bar save the two guys chatting it up a few seats away from me. It was your typical sports bar and Nicole brought me prompt drinks. The guy sitting closest to me had a crappy cowboy hat and a ridiculous grin on his face. He was talking about music. I heard him say that he just got signed and I congratulated him. He mentioned that he had a published deal as well. You wrote a book? "No I just sold some songs, this place is real fake, but there's a lot of money if you want it." Oh, so no one really wants people to hear their music? "Anybody who says that is full of shit, it's all about the money and chicks." Well, I wouldn't know anything about that. I drank more and contemplated the amount of people in the bar at that moment who were trying to 'make it.' The bar was starting to fill up and I wasn't sure why until I heard boomer's voice spouting football jargon. I thought about Nick and wondered if he was watching football at the same moment and I figured that he was. That guy loves the Bengals and he was devasted by the loss to the Steelers. This is the first year I had any interest in football at all and mostly just for a good reason to wake up on Sunday and start drinking. The bar was bordering on packed and a young couple was trying to find some seats. I was taking up two seats and there was an empty one next to me so I moved down for them. The guy was thankful and he told me that they stopped in town just to watch the game. He was on a trip from Denver to Atlanta for his job. He was starting a new branch of his corporation that sells alchohol monitoring systems to the government. I wasn't sure what he meant. You know how if you get put on house arrest they put a ankle pack on you that monitors where you are, well this alchohol monitoring is put on the same way and checks for alchohol through sweat glands. I had no idea. I would image that states will start using this and his company stands to do well.
So i find myself drunk and on the bus just another one of the freaks. This is not exciting or fun but it's not that terrible either. I wish I had some weed. I'm tired, I've yet to sleep and I had to sit in the bus station for 2 hours.

Volcano Skatepark

I'll be posting the bus trip soon butI'm tired and I need to eat.

I almost really fucked up. I told Micah that my bus out leaves on Mon. I woke up this morning thinking about my ticket and thinking that I had better check. Sure enough my bus leaves today. thank the stars I looked. SO i guess I'll write more when I get to San Diego. It's raining here today and cool. Not much possibility.
I've had a great time hanging out Micah and Ingrid. We went to this sweet pizza place yesterday called Mafioso's. One of Ingrid's friends from High School was there and I actually met her like 3 years ago when Micah and I randomly went to Chilocathe? I have no idea how to spell that.
I have to get everything packed again. My backpack when I got here was far more heavy than it should be (not for the airline but for my back) so I'm going to shift some stuff around.

wow... there's a raging party going on downstairs from Micah's apartment and I don't have the balls to go down there. I'm out of my element. My mojo is fucked. Watching Wilco and drinking weidemans. shouts from below and building tension in my head from this weed. I'm here. not for long. get to the coast soon and beyond. 6 times zones from home. this is where i freak out this is where it all happens... something else.
and I don't really know what it's going to be. I've tried to image standing on cliffs watching the sun fall on a snowcapped mountain when it's 85 degrees where I stand. I can't image the ferns and the trees. the waterfalls and glaciers of once molten rock. I can't imagine paying soccer without shoes on a green lot next to the sand. I can't believe it.. .yet.

I woke up early this morning at fooled around in Micah's apartment for awhile. Music and stories. Micah had to go to work at 2ish so I skated downtown. I found this indoor skatepark and skated there for awhile. I decided to try riding the bus back up the hill to the V Campus but I got on the wrong bus and went way the hell out in the middle of nowhere. Eventually I got to Micah's and cleaned myself up. I walked back down to the blue bar and hovered around some pool tables for a while. I got in on these guys table and gave them a firm beating.

i love cincy and my 513 crew, the kids, drugs, booze, rock&roll, love, girls, excitement, dissappointment, plans, failure, ludlow, coffee, cigarettes, phone numbers, balcony, this is the life I've lived here in this place and I must neverforget that I was destroyed and reborn into a new world. Everything is spontaneous when actions preceed methodology. I have been fortunate enough the avoid conflict and confusion through my open mind and blunt honesty. I have known the touch of lovers and friends and have found little difference. These are the stories of homeland. This is my memory and the lives of libertine intersections. We are the free minds of this world. Our power is conscience choice and nothing can change that. You are the next step. You manifest this flow through yourself.

It was fri the 13th. now it's not. I'm at jacobs right now and Sammy is around somewhere along with other crew members. member. I have a lot of things written down on my hand right now and I ve decided to write a novel from the 17 days counting until the night before I leave. I must dance

excuse me

11 days...

what the fuck.


"My name is Jayshree Tajpuria, I not the beginner in this area, but at your site it is possible to gather a lot of interesting and new. YOUR PAGE IS GREAT. IT REALLY HELPED ME UNDERSTAND THE TOPIC I was really surprised when came across your site on the web!"

this is what I get on my guestbook now. this confuses me. I don't know Jayshree. Is she real? Is it a guy or a girl? Why is this happening?

also the Bengals are playing today and we estimate that around 60% of cincy is watching the game right now.

Everything is coming together. I'll going to do a trial packing of all my things and make sure that all three bags are under 50 pounds a piece. My financial situation isn't what I would like it to be... but it never is anyway. I've been totally girl crazy lately. it sucks actually.

I think I just need to sleep for days. oh and I'm going to be cigarette free by the 19th.

I went out with said girl last night. I told her that I'll find her later in life and take her away on my sailboat. She said that she won't forget and that I better find her.
What is the point you might ask?
give myself a goal i guess. I work harder if I think that it will end with happily ever after.

I almost spilled my guts last night to a girl. She was too drunk to take it well. I kissed her. I hugged her and then I let her go. SHe's the girlfriend that never was and may never be. She was someone else's. SHe was her own. She burns like fireflies on a warm summer night. SHe'll always be my girl... in my head.

so work has become no longer fun or funny and is in fact starting to get hellish. I should quit. I should get money. I should drink more. I should sleep. Graham and I are working on some music and if we can figure out how to compress these huge files we'll be sharing them soon.

Christmas was good. It was closure in so many ways. New doors in other ways. I finally feel at peace with my hometown. It's good to have it off my back.

write on the typewriter
click clack
napsack
and a fifth of whiskey
it's all travelling on
guide me
lead me
to the edge
we can never really
go home again
we find
sight seeing
is all the rage
but the cage
says
stay

I found the one
that got away
sitting in some dim-lit
east-coast cafe
i don't remember
what i wanted
i forgot what
i had to say

O my dear i loved you
before you left this town
it's been a year since i've seen you
but i still wish you were around

i know you've
got a story
about the good
times you've seen
i hope when you
sing this chorus
you'll feel what
it means to be free

I just met one of the shoe designers for Duffs. Duffs makes very high-quality skate shoes. I talked to him for a minute while I smoked a cigarette and he informed me that Vans (the shoes I wear) is being bought out by Vanity Fair. What a damned shame. I would say that the price will go up and the quality will go down. He said that they're going to shift from the skate oriented promotions to more lifestyles shit. another one bites the dust.
Hopefully Johnny Rad and his friends can get the capital together to start a deck pressing company. I'm excited for him.
I'm going to get drunk and watch American Psycho tonight. Nick has never seen it and I think he's really going to like it. Nothing like chainsaws and Whitney Houston.

In other news:

tookie

Why?

Donkey lips + 'salute your shorts' + Myspace = hilarious!

long bets

I bet that by the year 2057 there will be a global revolution against the corporate ruling class power. Borders will disappear and we will be free to travel to any country in the world without a passport. Also 30% of the worlds population will be 'plugged in' to what was once called the world-wide web (it will have a different name by then like 'foglet user-based reality' the f.u.r.)

i cut off my hair. thanks to jessica for this picture.

Pu'u'ala Farm

Honokaa, HI

love

i wish i had a bed
i could share with you
warm bodies pressed together
fighting the cold
squinty eyes toward
incoming sun
i long for
your tenderness
lonesomeness prevades
my dark corner
i walk alone

so i fixed the slow load time by removing the comments bar as Al so wisely suggested.
I'm moving to Hawaii in Feb. I'm going to work on an organic farm and enjoy the sun and ocean. I'm very excited. I'm having difficulty deciding what to take with me. I don't think that i need to take my typewriter but i want to. I'm questioning taking my guitar because of the bus travel but i really really want to. obviously i'm taking my tent, my sleeping bag, clothes, 3 books, 3 notebooks, my backpack and duffel bag.
I'm going to have a huge party on the 15th of Jan. as a birthday/going away. I hope you will come (if i invite you) and we will have a great time.

I've been inbetween worlds lately thinking about the move. I've really come to love cincinnati as strange as that may be. I have quite an amazing crew of kids that I enjoy being around so much. I think of all the great times i've had here and there are not that many places that i have many fond memories of. I will miss everyone.
but they don't live in hawaii.

sean skates in a dress

sean skates in a dress
Originally uploaded by matter anti-matter.

check out the other flickr pics i put up

this is my new hero michael sessions.

recovery is difficult at best. Saturday night was incredible. costume party, noise, kegs, potka, fire spewing out of a glass satan head, hilariousness, ridiculousness.
i don't even remember most of the people because I was running around so much. I skated in a red dress. I fell down a few times. I danced. I was pissed at dave for 20 minutes. I stuck my face in Gina's cleavage. I set up my slide-projector. I wandered around aimlessly. Then all the beer ran out...
people were sad...
two girls found me, took me home, and did things I'd only seen in movies.
all was well.


HAPPY FREAKIN HALLOWEEN BITCHES!!!
I'll post pictures soon. stay tuned...

THis is post #500, crazy huge milestone! I don't even know what to say. If there was an award for this type of thing and I had to write a speach, I would procrastinate and then just make it up as I went along. I guess I would have to thank my bro Al for helping to create this external form of my mental digestion. I want to thank people on the bus for always being entertaining in one way or another. The future is uncertain as it always is until it happens. Here's to 500 more (Sean toasts the imaginary crowd before him)
TOmmorow I will be waking up to 40 degree weather to go downtown and drink profusely all day long. The Bengals play the Steelers which is apparently a really important game. I don't know... I'm just down for group interactions filled with beer. I have a couple options downtown and maybe I'll see someone I know. Hopefully I won't get too hammered or spend to much money and go to Art Damage. It's this venue that hosts hard-core, noise, indie, and dj music that you just can't see anywhere else in town. I've heard the shows are great but we'll see.
enjoy!

Hello loyal DarkWax reader, you might notice that I've added the past year of interesting posts on your right hand side of the page (that's my left) please enjoy the bits and bytes of my world.
I'm reading a very interesting book right about the future singularity that will occur when the evolution of humans and human technologies merge. It's actually blowing my mind how we are experiencing exponential technological progression.
I'm at work right now closing up and my nightly routine of taking off my clothes and drinking until I pass the fuck out will commence shortly.
Good night and may your evening be beer filled and slothful.

not pornographic:
Robert Shafer

Pin-ups

Post-Coital Halluncination

I lost track of how many times I came
by
looking for you
transmission complete
I saw myself
myself and myself
one white cube
white desk
and a microphone
I tried to speak
but distraction
causes dis-action
and I didn't say it
I stared into my
own eyes
and saw that
I could see
seeing
one less being
or something else
silence sounded
hollow
nothing could follow
but noise
and out of my trance
I fell
awake
motion became
the metaphysical metaphor
gave it what-for
and questioned
spinal fluid
I believe something forgotten
just remembered inside
itself and released
me

face

spider

water

carpet

It is
later
than
you...
think or wish
it is
want it to be
while you look
at my back
am I walking
away and you
want me
to come home
with you
did you imagine
me lying naked
on your bed
waiting for you
well I'm not
and the bar is
closing
are you still thinking
of something to say
some witty one-liner
there's no time finer
then right now
but you didn't and

It is
later
than
you...
percieve in your
chemical situation
the oil's running
our of the global equation
it is late
and you were
praying for salvation
while bombs fall
I saw it all
a few times
and now
time is running short
you should follow
my lead
and walk away
if you can't see
what's burning your eyes
then I have
nothing left to say
except
it's over
and
it is
later
than
you...



so I saw this girl at the airport who had the lines "It is later than you" running down the left side of her back down to the top of her tube-top as a tattoo. I was quite intriqued but didn't have the balls to ask her what the rest of it said. I pondered what it might have said but figured I had a good idea what she meant. So I wrote this from her perspective since it is her tattoo. hope you liked it...

I've been watching the sun's slow path through downtown on 6th street. I can almost tell what time it is by the shadow's fall of the great american building. I see buisness suits and white tees pass by with regularity while I read or write and sometimes sing out loud. No one seems to mind. I nod and smile to the passengers of this sidewalk, some even greet me in return. Comrades of this urban landscape call this sin city but it's here that I've forgiven my fears and transgretions. This girl walks by with cliche flowers that she wishes were for her. They will most likely end up forgotten and dying on some lonely wifes kitchen table while she waits for her husband to finally come home. I think about these people and their dreams. I question if they are fulfilled by their existence, if they desire change the way I do. At times I feel like such an elitist challenging people to wake up. I do know that they all dream and bleed and curse just like I do. Now this bus crosses the river on one of it's many trips. Once a barrier, a billion times a carrier of goods now left scarrier due to destruction. I imagine the complexities involved with my transportation and feel the sudden elevation change in my ears. The sun hits my face through open emergency exit hatch and I feel it's the only energy I want to catch. I see myself fishing. Drinking rainwater and spending all day without shoes. I'm looking forward and away from this cityscape and I almost feel the palms brushing my face. "Why the hell wouldn't you go," says my dad and although I see him rarley I would miss him more. He knows that my bags are always packed and my story will always be his to hear. I find inspiration in everything. These days my mind churns and it will all be recorded for future playback in one way or another.
For quite some time I was feeling lost, but now I'm done burning maps. I'm looking for real sustainability and it seems that I've been given the perfect opportunity. One cycle does not mean another or a consecutive rebirth. So I inspire myself to action...

This is the creepiest thing ever. What does it mean? THis is at a church between cincy and dayton on I-75. So weird.

Jan took this picture of me at work... very bored.

God is choice. We are born with infinite possibility until we have nothing left to decide. It startles me that we cannot perceive what we truly are. We are masters of our universe yet we treat our world like a slave. We are brothers and sisters bonded by the blood of destiny.
When the first voice came from a human mouth it said "I" and with that single syllable we evolved. We chose to no longer be mearely animals but to break free with our minds. We will poke and prod and search our grey matter for the answer to self. The question of what we are is what we are. Explorers and adventurers we will always search within and without. The universe is spiralling around us and through us.
3 is not divisible into a whole number. It is whole, it is complete, it is perfect. You and I together are neither 2 nor 1, we are 3. me, you, us =3. Nothing can exist without interaction.
I hear symphonies spewing from thoughtful speach. I see everycolor footsteps fading in your wake. I feel every soul as my own. We are human. We are dirt. We are sky. All is water. This star gas falls so glorious and silent yet screams with life. We are noble only in composition. True love is self-actualization. When one recognizes solitude and reality then anything is possible. What you know is what you are. All will change with time. Now is just the faded memory of tommorow. Prophets are good at narrowing down options. Only a handful of dreams become truth. Why spread your thoughts to the sky when you need them right here. Use it. Feel it. It is yours and you cannot give it away. The joy of pain is control. It only hurts if you want it.

Freedom is real, we have to find it in ourselves.

Or in Kathy Griffin's fake tits. I had a 20 minute conversation about the fact that if I ever saw her in person I would be quite compelled to stick my face in her cleveage. I miss the old Kathy like Newsradio Kathy. Future generations will praise her in all her underground d-list glory. She's a freak.

When Graham is 25 he says we're going to meet somewhere in the world and start a band.

Jan is this hilarious czech kid that I work with. We have many interesting social conversations. he said that he has no idea what American culture is. I realized after some thought that I didn't either. I guess it's just a product now. We are commercializing the globe, little niche market at a time. We are quickly becoming slaves to the free-market murder. Our government will no longer feed us anything but lies and dirty water.

I have to admit, Robin Hood the disney film is most excellent. Entertaining and a good social lesson as well. Hanging out at the g-unit I showed everyone the disgusting wound in my leg from skating today. It's just like this weird hole in my leg. It doesn't hurt that much right now but I'm sure tommorow will be a different story. THe dry spell that has haunted me creatively has drifted away with the wind. I sit here feeling refreshed finally yet daunted by the next day. animation heals and destroys simultaniously. I finally got to hang out with Johnny Thrash today. Mike and I went down to Lawrenceburg to chill with Johnny and I got to skate the bowls. Mike had his dog with him, remmie. Remmie was gettin all pissed at the kids skating by so mike sat in his jeep with him. I got to skate for about an hour and then mike wanted to go. I got to talk to J. Thrash and I have to remember to explain the number 3 to him. He got to see me do a bunch of tricks he's never seen me do before. It was a great sesh.
Hmm. I guess were drinking rum watching movies and hanging out. What do pirates call their treasure...

we are the mad ones
laughing at the night
cursing responsibility
we are the mad ones
who create our lives
in the reflection of glass
in the pigment brushed skin
we are the mad ones
people talk about us
they wish they were free
or forgot what freedom means
we are the mad ones
cruising through dark alleys
your trash is our future
that we collect and transform
we are the mad ones
looking at the angles
ignoring the walls and
we know there is no ceiling
we are the mad ones
that you envy
that you lust for
and we Are the mad ones
that you are too scared
to be

rock & roll

mini backside 5

this pictures were taken by kyle: thanks dude graham

there's too much drama in the 513
everyone at the party is looking at me
they wonder what I'm going to do
you and your boys need to fucking leave
and take that bitch with you

I get the crowd to simmer down
which leads to more complaining
gossip runs the rumor mill
no one quite knows what to do
but I frown and pace wanting to go
while watching kids move to and

now I'm home again in safety and comfort
here I can sit back and relax
play my guitar and sing a few lines
I bathe in the night-time light
the perch is a home and wood floors
are my branches

So I wake up at my leasure
give my eyes a rub and pick up the receiver
what's up kids and how's your day
she says her name is julia
but gina calls her jules

the girls at work all hate eachother
end up fighting for the dimes
he wonders why it sucks so bad
but nothing ends up different
make a buck and have a drink
hit on those really dumb girls

I look around and the walls are screaming
with words symbols ideas and destruction
but what else could there be
this is expression and life
sprayed on these walls
can you read?

burners

don't roll with toys

I had to walk across a rail yard for these pictures.

washington st. skatepark

on the bus

near old town and the washington st. park

srf horizon

at the self realization fellowship

minidisk that we recorded on

me

exist kiss slut butt 1981

again

downtown

booze

a piece al got from a guy who's studio is on his street.

al in the morning

Allison (or less deadly weapons)

I met Allison at this dive bar
she said she was a pool shark
she had some curves
she had some moves
but that wasn't all
she could carry a conversation
her eyes they said what they said
that polka dot print skirt
driving me up the wall
order another drink drink
sink another another ball
wrap your hands around my hair
feel it till morning light
when I don't know
I don't know where I am
she says she lives on the point
works at some seafood place
you asked me to come see you girl
I question if I'll remember your face
these san diego questions
the smell of salt in the air
we are the common demoninator
we have a similar thread
no use in trying to decide
it's all up in the air
I said I'm without a home
and without mobility
I'm just here for fun
you can take me or you can run
you can have me girl
if you would like
say what you want
say what you need
ask me for anything
and I'll do what I sing

We got out to the drum circle and it was awesome. There were the usual suspects and a fair amount of available looking women. We chilled and listened to the drums while we borrowed some kids' bowl. We discussed some things and wavered on whether we should go to the house party or stay at blacks beach. I said that we could go to the party and then come back but when we got home we passed out. It was unfortunate that we left because as we were climbing back up the cliffs all these incredibly attractive women were passing us headed towards the fire.

We woke up with breakfast and some coffee. We talked about going to the beach but the marine layer was still overhead so there was no sun. no fun. we hung out aound the pad and played some video games and made some music. I didn't really feel very musical but I tried a little anyway.
I started to get impatient because I hadn't been down to OB yet and I really wanted to get down there. We finally show up at Pac Shores and get some drinks in us. The crowd was social in group settings which i was not apart of. This girl with fat long dreads is talking to these two guys but I walk up behind her and start touching her hair. She turns around with a huge smile and we talk for a moment until we decide to sit down. We talked about music and writing, we exchanged many friendly looks and decided we should hang out after the bar closes. I tell Al who seems pretty amazed that I'm leaving with some girl but he shakes my hand and leaves.
Lisa and I walked to her house which is about 5 blocks from the beach. We talked for a moment and decide to go to the pier. Walking out to the end we talked about memories and experience, perception. I told her about Ohio and she told me about Seattle. We went back to her place and I got to check out some of her pictures. We layed around for awhile and went to sleep together. When I woke up I felt pretty stiff so I busted out some yoga to loosen up. We had french toast and played Nintendo. Her roomates were all hilarious and it was nice to chill. One of the girls decides that we should all go for a ride which was awesome. We drove to Coronado and then down imperial strand before heading back to OB.
Al picked me up on Newport and we drove out to Encinitas. We went with Al's friend to the Self Realization Fellowship meditation gardens. It was fucking beautiful. The energy there was incredible. All the people that go there to meditate get and give so much to that place. It was amazing.
After that we came back to the pad and recorded some more music. Hopefully we'll have some finished work after tommorow night since I leave for home on Tuesday morning.
I hope you are all well and I look forward to seeing you after my immediate return.

Gina when you see this send me an e-mail because I don't have yours.

Tonight is raging party night and Al and I have been physically preparing by sleeping a lot and eating a good dinner. We have a few bars, a party, and then the beach full moon drum circle party. We seriously didn't do anything today. It was awesome.
peace

My flight out went well. When i got to the airport I waited for Al for a minute and then we came out his place. It's about a block from the last place he lived and it doesn't seem like there's a lot around. We went out to Mission beach and chilled in the water. We played some Halo 2 and then I passed out at like 7PM. It was pretty weak.
Today I woke up at the ridiculous hour of 6AM tried to go back to sleep and then gave up to watch some tv. Ate a wonderful breakfast and headed to the Washington St. Skatepark. At first I didn't know what to do, pool coping and sick trannies I was sort of confused. The two heshers that were already there looked slightly annoyed and Al and I's entrance but remained silent. It took me a minute to get used to it but then I spent the next hour just thrashing around as fast as I could.
We were going to go to OB but Al drove straight to Mission again so we rolled up and decided we needed some grub and a beer. We found this beach bar with some fresh ladies on the sidewalk side. Had my first mahi taco since last summer and enjoyed it immensly. They had Sierra Nevada on tap and I had a cold one.
Beach... hot brown bikini ass... water.... sun... it's all good.

flyer

tommorow night at around 11:30 graham, scottie b, tony and I will venture out to Louisville to skate until about 5AM when they'll drop me off at the airport. I get into San Diego at 10AM and I have no idea what will happen. I'm super stoked to see Al and hang out. Hopefully there will be many drinks, songs and conversations throughout the week.
Today I'm doing some laundry and packing my backpack. Tonight I'm going to Gina's and we're going to watch some documentaries. I hope you are all well and I'll be writing while I'm out in SD.

10 things I want to do when I'm in San Diego.

drink beer at a bar with my brother.
not smoke cigarettes.
go to the washington st. skatepark.
surf.
record music.
meet interesting people.
see some art/glass.
hang out in OB.
find a random party.
skate an empty pool.

violet

dad & jeanette

erff