no satisfaction
in the distraction
of inevitability

is it too much
to ask for some
security

Maybe procure
a new identity
so no one will
see my failures

But you know
how the story goes
and my songs
are always out of key

the caged bird sings
with broken wings
to remember
the feeling of freedom

I am the product of
my own production
but who's making a profit
from my thrift-store prices

I spy a red eye

I talked to Sara on the phone Sun. and I guess she's quiting school and moving home. I offered her everything I could to help and she told me that her mother....
Anyway it made me feel really helpless and pathetic. I've been working so hard so that I could share my life with her. Share everything. Be able to buy her dinner. That's my motivation.
So, I was feeling really fucked up about the whole thing and I had the urge to hurt myself. It's been 2 years since I cut myself and I'm not really interested in doing that again. But I thought about it and why I was thinking about it and I realized that it's all about control. The world sucks and there's all this suffering all around us that usually we have no control over. A person can control a blade with painful precision and nothing else matters. It's like negative meditation.

splanzamans

Who sells Terror

You call me a terrorist
while you commit the crimes
You call me a terrorist
your money writes the Times

When your country calls you a terrorist
I think it's time to resist
When my homeland says I'm a terrorist
You know I'll scream with my fist
When your mother calls you a terrorist
Then who's going to be pissed

When
is it time yet?
Now
is it time yet!
How
is it time yet?
Together
Right Now

Do you remember McCarthy
and his big red scare
Well Cheney's torching the chambers
You better be aware

Bush says he's spreading freedom
He shoots plutonium lies
There's no metaphor for contradiction
You better open your eyes

A Dream....

I was walking through a small downtown area and I felt good. It was evening in this town and the streets were lit up with the gentle glow of summer. As I walked I saw a friend in a doorway. He was painting a storefront so I joined him and the painting was jovial. As we painted the color of the paint slowly changed and my companion and I both enjoyed it until the colors turned dark.
A black explorer pulls up and six gentlemen get out and start yelling at us. They tell us that the building we are painting is a Freemason's temple and we have to paint it a certain color. We laugh because the paint keeps changing colors so we really have no control over the paint. They get more angry and I realize that a few of the gentlemen are teachers from my high school. I have always suspected one of the teachers to be a mason so it made me laugh to see him. They then get furious that we are laughing and they start chasing us down the street. We ran and ran until a speeding truck pulls up and out jumps Girlie. She starts running away until I yell for her to come to me. She sees that it is me, runs and jumps up on my chest. I hug her so tight she makes snuggling noises. I look at her and she has this glam-rock star around her eye instead of the brown spot that's usually there. I laughed and I woke up laughing thinking about a glam-rock pit-bull.


A Poem....

I heard about nuclear proliferation
but it seems my nation
doesn't have the dedication
to end it's atomic masturbation

So if terrorists are selling drugs
it's cause they've got people to feed
if it wasn't for all this american greed
that planted that seed
we wouldn't have terrorists in the first place

Now of all the people in the human race
what makes us so special?
Democracy is a joke
and capitalism is leaving me broke

Why is it ok for us to kill
when we've got bellies here to fill
All this US confusion
is just conjuring an illusion
that we have an enemy

When WE are the enemy.

A Life....

I've been working like crazy and this week-end is the big pay-off. I get to see Sara again and spend as much time with her as possible. She's going to be here until wed. and I have to work on Mon. and Tues. but I get off at 9:30 so I'll be able to hang out with her when I get out. I live so close to her parents that she can come over whenever she has the chance and I think she will.
Today is rainy and cool. It reminds me of Muncie. My time in that place was spent so fucked up with different things that I don't remember if I was depressed or just an alchoholic.
oh well. Another thing that I've worked through and no longer bothers me. I've been letting go a lot in the past few months all these things that have been eating at my motivation and this resistance that i've put on myself. It's good to feel good about yourself.

I'm sitting in the very sterile environment of Raymond Walters College. I don't know how anyone could feel comfortable here. I certainly don't.
I've been living with my friend Dave in his house and It's great. I've been helping out at the house and this past weekend we planted some flowers and shubery around the house. It was fun and then we got drunk... which was also very fun.

campfire crush
on conversation
discussing what's
right or wrong
Perception says
that existance is
a means to
enlightenment

The grave I've seen
is the reason being
for self concept
and understanding
mourning song
of self defeat
is simply our way
of sharing

This intanglement
of conflicting idea
when we describe
the same fucking thing
it's the experience
that gives us a chance
to explain
our interaction

Discussing life and death with Micah has always been a great pleasure of mine. He'll be leaving for Paris, France in Jan. so I'll be trying to spend more time with him. I miss my Clifton friends. Maybe Wed. night I'll invite some people over to the studio. I don't know... I have to work so much but it's been pretty satisfying to be productive and working towards something. I'm doing well and I have a room to live in for the first time since I lived in Muncie 2 1/2 years ago. Dave would like to see me become a permanant fixture at the manor and I think it would be the best thing for me to do.
I got to talk to Sara last night on the phone and I was totally surprised at first. I didn't think she had Dave's number, but she's pretty crafty like that. I was really glad to talk to her but she had a rough week and I could hear it in her voice. I got her to laugh though and I think it made us both feel better. She is why I can feel good about myself.

I took a walk today.

Smoke and groove
get up and move
waltz with infinity

crunch crunch clomp
my way towards
imaginary horizons

signs on occasion
of side-car party
with booze and cigarettes

It brings me here
among sporatic ties
on more line on the parallel

THis direct channel journeys
through this part of me
that starts to feel like home

and I find myself focused
on tracks of progress
when I forgot where
I was going

I'm really sorry to anyone who I have not talked to in the past week (linz) but I've worked 26 hours in the past three days. It's Wed. Night skate thrashathon so I'm really stoked to be here at the studio.
My Dad is having surgery on his heart right now in Louisville, Ky. I'm really fucking freaked out about it but I think everything will be OK. He's not even close to being old. It's stupid. I Love him very much and I still need him. Everyone, please think good thoughts about my dad.


THis is Adeem and DJ DQ. Check out Glue
Hey... shplanzamans.

Written on my work folder.

Salty dogs
of evening shade
let them lay
and don't invade
the slumber

Don't let it crumble
into non-existance
it's the reality resistance
that's keeping them
sleepy

The sandman snags
the disenchanted
who took for granted
their freedom
and he calls them patriots

If you are reading this then you need to comment on what you are about to read. Even if it's a 'hey fuck you sean' that would really make me happy. I've been writing here a lot lately and I want to know what you think. All I ask is for honesty.

This world was fucked before I got here
It was your god that taught me fear
when I should be comfortable
not like you
I've got a clue
to the power structure
madness
that causing all this sadness
I'm starting to think
that I don't belong
with everyone telling me I'm wrong
for just being passive
I don't see the TV as a positive
It's seperation and destruction they give
that's soaking society
'you're not allowed'
is too loud now for differentiation
of morals and ethics
Your god told you not to kill
but you can't find enough holes to fill
with women and children
they're just not productive
and they're not standing in line
for their piece of profit
I guess they're just too stupid
to see the cost-benifit of death
And when I take a breath...
the carbon-monoxide
feels like genocide

No mistakes and no retakes
no time to regret
that which I cannot change
It seems so strange
for you to be so far
when I'm still loving you every day

I watch the girls walk by and
they try to impress
but I think of them less
when I'm still dreaming of you
loving the light like liquid
and spinning through the rain

I thought it was a blessing
to watch you undressing
in your cool and casual way
I whispered verses
and sunlight curses
but I've not seen it for days

I have to go to Madison today. I went to the telemarketing job and they said I have to have a valid ID to work. I don't understand that. But... I've gotten so much shit for not having a valid ID that I just need to get one. My Dad's been really sick lately so I really want to see him.
I feel pretty worthless today. I'm getting all tense again and it's a struggle just to relax. I don't really have time to relax though. I'll be working like 5 doubles next week at the telemarketing job. I just don't know how I'm going to eat.

It's so precious
the light in your eyes
all the daydreams and mysteries
you slow down to find

It's the seeking
that's so intriging
the adventure for truth
and freedom is now

In the ways
we interact with the facts
translated and harmonized
through our conversation

Intersept the message
as we create the universe
for eachother
in holographic psycho-spheres

Inside outside
is a close to seperation
as matter can get
even the fused is far from one

It's the sexy
destination we strive for
in our everyday group meditation
for the neusole

Into the hole
the rabbit knows
life is stream of conscience while
the world is shrinking

In the reflection
we strive for perfection
of form or grace
while we can show eachother
how beautiful we are

waterwheel

I went to the interview and got the job but I'm not sure when I start. I'll have to call them tommorow. After Mark and I spent an hour trying to find the place I got there with 10 minutes to spare. The 'interview' consisted of this jackass telling us to read scripts to him and then he told us they would be in touch. After that I went to my friend Dave's new house. He was still at work so I walked around and went to the Silverton Cafe. This place was oozing redneck all over the walls and had a smell of blind nationalism. I ordered some onion rings and a beer. The beer was barely cold but the onion rings were awesome. Some guys were at the end of the bar watching golf and I heard one of them call Chenney a bastard. I asked them if they were planning on voting this year and they all agreed. I asked what they thought of Kerry and one of the guys said he doesn't talk politics at the bar. I said fair and payed my bill.
Anyway... I went back to Dave's house and I chilled there until he got home. We drank a few and then we went to the studio. He brought his theriman (sp?) and made some crazy noise. it was great. I miss Micah and I want to see him damnit! He's so damned busy all the time. Or asleep. One of the two but never at the same time.

Sara. I Love You. I can't really keep it in. I'm still intoxicated by your motion. You're like a star that's gone now but it's so far away we still see it.

I'm currently reading through every section of the Patriot Act. I'm going through and taking notes on articles of interest. What it seems like so far is that during a 'national emergency' martial law will break out under the direct control of the president. It's fucking scary. The difficult part comes when a section of the Patriot act refers to another bill or article. It doesn't state what the mentioned article says it just states it's ammendments to it. So I've had to dig up things like: Section 402 of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 (50 U.S.C. 1842) is amended-- it's ridiculous. Laws for spying on other countries.

I'm going to see about a telemarketing job today. My friend rebecca said that if I show up I'll get the job so that's cool. I think they sell newspaper subscribtions.
I'm so behind... It's going to be like 2 months before I'll be able to get a place. It hurts.

water tension

I'm searching for your shapes in the shadows
and It's nice to finally met you
but 515 miles is a long way to see

Boxed in and confined to the prying eyes
of the floor without doors
bleeds with the mindnumbing drone of television frequency

It's causing mass delinquency
if that histeria sells to the right area
we can see outside this universe

Fluid Dynamics and psycho-mechanics
continue to intrigue the think tanks
while artists flow to it every day

I have to apologize to an 8th grade class in Australia. Sorry for breaking rules on your site and I didn't mean it.
Don't be mad... I thought you guys were a bunch of American college kids talking about trendy fashion. That's a compliment for 8th graders right?

I arranged John's glass in the gallery today.