Sara divides space... time stops.
12.13.2004
12.08.2004
Sara is a fucking machine. She stayed up all night working on these two drawings that her prof didn't even like. She worked so hard and got little to no feedback. It hurt. So now I'm with the shell of Sara and we're at Bill's. I want to get into talking about all her friends (hopefully soon to be my friends as well) but I'll wait until I get out of Baltimore.
I finished reading Everything is Illuminated. Very well written book. I'm still cogitating on my feelings about it though.
Sara is wearing me out just watching her. Baltimore is not for me, but Sara is and this is where she is. I used the word 'is' a lot just then.
I finished reading Everything is Illuminated. Very well written book. I'm still cogitating on my feelings about it though.
Sara is wearing me out just watching her. Baltimore is not for me, but Sara is and this is where she is. I used the word 'is' a lot just then.
12.07.2004
I decided this evening that I have officially reached my chemical intake level. It would be really unwise for me to do any more drugs. I've already done enough damage for one lifetime and I can't afford to hurt myself anymore.
This happened when I thought I was dreaming while I was awake. THis is not good. At first I thought that I was IN a dream but then thought that maybe I was living a dream that I had previously. It was strange. Too much.
It's very difficult for me to understand what MICA can do for Sara that some other school can't. I want Sara to be closer to cincy and that's a conflict that I've tried to keep to myself. We talked about it tonight and she explained that this is what she wants. I can't argue with that. I can't ask her to leave here. I can't ask her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I wouldn't anyway. If she told me how happy she was here then I could enjoy it for her. As it is now, I'm glad she's working hard and I'm proud of what she's doing. I'm stoked that she worked hard to get here and now she is. I really like her friends a lot. They are all wonderful people and I can see how much she enjoys their company. It's just that I'm selfish and I want to hold on to her goodness.
I hope that she continues to work hard and she can be happy as well. I think that one day she'll realize that I'm a complete loser. She'll be successful and I will continue to struggle. I may have a future in writing. I am confident that I will write my first book in the next year. If I can get it published then I'll feel good about that. Just working on it will be enjoyable I think.
I'm so fucked up sometimes. I don't know if things will get better but I want them to and that's worth something right? Motivation.
This happened when I thought I was dreaming while I was awake. THis is not good. At first I thought that I was IN a dream but then thought that maybe I was living a dream that I had previously. It was strange. Too much.
It's very difficult for me to understand what MICA can do for Sara that some other school can't. I want Sara to be closer to cincy and that's a conflict that I've tried to keep to myself. We talked about it tonight and she explained that this is what she wants. I can't argue with that. I can't ask her to leave here. I can't ask her to do anything that she doesn't want to do and I wouldn't anyway. If she told me how happy she was here then I could enjoy it for her. As it is now, I'm glad she's working hard and I'm proud of what she's doing. I'm stoked that she worked hard to get here and now she is. I really like her friends a lot. They are all wonderful people and I can see how much she enjoys their company. It's just that I'm selfish and I want to hold on to her goodness.
I hope that she continues to work hard and she can be happy as well. I think that one day she'll realize that I'm a complete loser. She'll be successful and I will continue to struggle. I may have a future in writing. I am confident that I will write my first book in the next year. If I can get it published then I'll feel good about that. Just working on it will be enjoyable I think.
I'm so fucked up sometimes. I don't know if things will get better but I want them to and that's worth something right? Motivation.
12.06.2004
What do you know... I'm in Baltimore. Art school seems pretty surreal. I think about all the chaos in everyone's lives and they can't help but be incredibly interesting people. I'm enjoying myself. I'm very much enjoying being with Sara.
The train ride was fun. Kindof boring when I couldn't see outside the car though. I met this kid from Lafeyette who worked at the same place I did when I lived there. He also knows one of my friends who lives there. Lolli. What a crazy cat that girl is. She's the only reason I would ever go there. Just to see her. So anyway... Will and I talked about energy and the tree of life and silicon. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a complete stranger. I guess not totally strange though since it's highly likely the I've met him before.
The party at the studio was awesome. Much drinking, smoking, hot-tub, painting, skate thrash, gallery touring fun. We had everything looking really nice for the party and I'm sad that I couldn't be there to help clean up. I did do most of the pre-cleaning though so I guess it's their turn to clean a bunch. There were a couple new faces but the people I talked to were people I have met before. I had 3 different wasted girls come up to me and ask me for shrooms. Not only did they not find any but the asked me many times and I was like, hey I still don't know... and then I would distract them while I walked away. I kept redirecting these girls to other people but they still kept talking to me. It was pretty funny actually. The collective painting we worked on was so pretty for awhile until this drunk girl covered like half the canvas with this shit brown color. Then someone wrote "pnut butter" really big in the brown spot. It was definately not the same color as peanut butter.
I had a great time and I think the Neusole crew had a lot of fun too.
More from Baltimore soon....
The train ride was fun. Kindof boring when I couldn't see outside the car though. I met this kid from Lafeyette who worked at the same place I did when I lived there. He also knows one of my friends who lives there. Lolli. What a crazy cat that girl is. She's the only reason I would ever go there. Just to see her. So anyway... Will and I talked about energy and the tree of life and silicon. It was one of the best conversations I've ever had with a complete stranger. I guess not totally strange though since it's highly likely the I've met him before.
The party at the studio was awesome. Much drinking, smoking, hot-tub, painting, skate thrash, gallery touring fun. We had everything looking really nice for the party and I'm sad that I couldn't be there to help clean up. I did do most of the pre-cleaning though so I guess it's their turn to clean a bunch. There were a couple new faces but the people I talked to were people I have met before. I had 3 different wasted girls come up to me and ask me for shrooms. Not only did they not find any but the asked me many times and I was like, hey I still don't know... and then I would distract them while I walked away. I kept redirecting these girls to other people but they still kept talking to me. It was pretty funny actually. The collective painting we worked on was so pretty for awhile until this drunk girl covered like half the canvas with this shit brown color. Then someone wrote "pnut butter" really big in the brown spot. It was definately not the same color as peanut butter.
I had a great time and I think the Neusole crew had a lot of fun too.
More from Baltimore soon....
12.04.2004
11.28.2004
what a great week-end. Sara and I got to spend a lot of time together and that was fantasmic. Saturday I went her mom's house for feasting and the conversation was not nearly as offensive as Sara thought it might be. I had fun.
After that we went to the manor for more feasting. Dave invited several people from his work that I just couldn't relate to. One of the girls said that she would never raise her children in a small town. Personally I think that i'm far less jaded than most of these kids that I meet who grew up here. I think if you meet someone who grew up in a small town anywhere other than the small town then that person is going to have a story. At least they were motivated enough to get out. I know that there is no way that I would be as interested in the world outside of the midwest had I not grown up here myself. It sucked sometimes but I thought it through and it hasn't been so bad. I'm not strung out on smack or crack. That's a good thing.
After much food at my house Sara, Dee, (dee's ex-boyfriend who's name I can never remember) and I went to the GuildHaus downtown for a party/benefit/sale. The dj didn't do as much scratching as I would have liked but he laid down some really good old-school hip-hop tracks. I knew several people there and I mingled accordingly. Todd hooked me up with some beers while we watched people paint on this open canvas. I tagged destroy$ and then spit paint and beer out of my mouth onto my tag. It looked cool and I liked it. Later in the night I decided that I wanted to attach something physical from the party to the canvas. In one of the side rooms were a buch of candles. I took some hot wax and poured it onto the canvas over paint that said life. The party was a blast.
Sara stayed at my house last night and dropped me off in Clifton this afternoon before she went home to pack. 7 days until i'll be in Baltimore.
After that we went to the manor for more feasting. Dave invited several people from his work that I just couldn't relate to. One of the girls said that she would never raise her children in a small town. Personally I think that i'm far less jaded than most of these kids that I meet who grew up here. I think if you meet someone who grew up in a small town anywhere other than the small town then that person is going to have a story. At least they were motivated enough to get out. I know that there is no way that I would be as interested in the world outside of the midwest had I not grown up here myself. It sucked sometimes but I thought it through and it hasn't been so bad. I'm not strung out on smack or crack. That's a good thing.
After much food at my house Sara, Dee, (dee's ex-boyfriend who's name I can never remember) and I went to the GuildHaus downtown for a party/benefit/sale. The dj didn't do as much scratching as I would have liked but he laid down some really good old-school hip-hop tracks. I knew several people there and I mingled accordingly. Todd hooked me up with some beers while we watched people paint on this open canvas. I tagged destroy$ and then spit paint and beer out of my mouth onto my tag. It looked cool and I liked it. Later in the night I decided that I wanted to attach something physical from the party to the canvas. In one of the side rooms were a buch of candles. I took some hot wax and poured it onto the canvas over paint that said life. The party was a blast.
Sara stayed at my house last night and dropped me off in Clifton this afternoon before she went home to pack. 7 days until i'll be in Baltimore.
11.24.2004
Sara got into town at like 2am this morning and came to the manor. She scared the crap out of actually. I didn't think that she would show up until this morning.
Even before she got into town I could feel my inspiration coming back. I just got done playing guitar and it was better than I've played in weeks.
I hope everyone has a happy Day of Thanks.
I'm thankful that my dad is recovering well. I don't know when I'll be able to go see him. I'm sure he wishes I was there. It's rare that I miss out on free food.
Even before she got into town I could feel my inspiration coming back. I just got done playing guitar and it was better than I've played in weeks.
I hope everyone has a happy Day of Thanks.
I'm thankful that my dad is recovering well. I don't know when I'll be able to go see him. I'm sure he wishes I was there. It's rare that I miss out on free food.
11.23.2004
I just put in a 5 hour day working here at the studio. Woo-hoo! Good thing I've been sleeping for the past week. I'm ready to shower, shave and draw on the wall in my room. I need to get my train tickets tommorow. I'm leaving to go to Baltimore for a week on the 5th. I'm so excited. I'm outside the bubble. I wonder what it's like in there?
I've been having a terrible spurt of non-writing. I sat down to work out a song and was left with nothing good and a silent room. It sucked. It felt good to be productive today though. The studio always makes me feel better.
I've been unable to talk to Sara all week-end. THis makes me sad. I don't know if she's coming home tonight or tommorow. I can't wait to see her.
Hey, it's hard to be a rock-star.
I've been having a terrible spurt of non-writing. I sat down to work out a song and was left with nothing good and a silent room. It sucked. It felt good to be productive today though. The studio always makes me feel better.
I've been unable to talk to Sara all week-end. THis makes me sad. I don't know if she's coming home tonight or tommorow. I can't wait to see her.
Hey, it's hard to be a rock-star.
11.11.2004
I'm feeling much better. I had a good relaxed day and it was nice. I wrote this last night I think.
I don't feel like writing
it's been this way for days
I've not seen the highway
but I hear it calling my name
it sounds like rain
on a cold tin roof
sounds like a wind
whispering
your name
I'm far from the summer
of fire escape adventures
when home was just
a matter of imagination
now i'm here
wherever that is
no clue to destination
I'm just too foggy
to see the path
The highway is for gamblers
croons yesterdays byrds
my sandlewood memory cries
tragedy on old 66
before that in Baja
sage burning shift
down starlight screeches
and no-where beaches
but anyway
I thought about your
Baltimore bubble
and I need new air
I just don't know
if car, bus or train
can get me there
fast enough
for Love
THat helped me a lot... just writing again feels awesome.
I don't feel like writing
it's been this way for days
I've not seen the highway
but I hear it calling my name
it sounds like rain
on a cold tin roof
sounds like a wind
whispering
your name
I'm far from the summer
of fire escape adventures
when home was just
a matter of imagination
now i'm here
wherever that is
no clue to destination
I'm just too foggy
to see the path
The highway is for gamblers
croons yesterdays byrds
my sandlewood memory cries
tragedy on old 66
before that in Baja
sage burning shift
down starlight screeches
and no-where beaches
but anyway
I thought about your
Baltimore bubble
and I need new air
I just don't know
if car, bus or train
can get me there
fast enough
for Love
THat helped me a lot... just writing again feels awesome.
11.10.2004
11.07.2004
11.04.2004
I'm really not happy that it's cold.
I guess I'm not going to be working at the telemarketing place anymore. I don't know.
I'm pretty bummed out about the election. I think the american public either got fucked or they really believe that a fundamentalist capitalist fascist is a good thing for this country.
I guess I'm not going to be working at the telemarketing place anymore. I don't know.
I'm pretty bummed out about the election. I think the american public either got fucked or they really believe that a fundamentalist capitalist fascist is a good thing for this country.
