I was at the studio today talking to john and just bullshiting when we starting talking about the farm and the ocean and everything that goes with my experience in Hawaii. He asked about the water and I told him about the first time I went to two-step. There are these natural step downs cut in the rock that lead into 6 ft. of crisp salt water. Immediatly you are thrust into another world where you are the alien and the natives don't seem to mind you so much. snorkel alien like across and into the mirror divide. I would wake up every morning looking out on the blue expanse thinking or even saying aloud: goddamn that's the biggest thing I've ever seen! We enjoyed our talk and I came away from the conversation thinking about living in a refraction of reality. Just a small light from the world shining out to the pacific. The lighhouse so far away.

I've been spending time with Steph and having some crucial conversations. I am in love with this girl but can't follow through. I'm just sad that I can't totally throw myself into life with her and not worry about the fact that I am going to leave. I always leave. I've been thinking about that a lot too and how I'm fucking ready to build something that's going to last. Something that is mine and mine alone. I just can't be involved. I can't forget my dream and I can't let go of what I need. I have to live this life for me and I know from the past that I will give up whatever it is that I think I want for a girl. I can't think about love. It usually just fucks me up. I get distracted. Where will this path lead and what forks will I find. What the fuck am I doing in this town. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm on vacation at home. Like those kids in high school that skipped school just to sit in their rooms and smoke weed. What the fuck... what the fuck. Would it hurt more to love and leave or not love and feel the loss. I feel lost and loosing what I should hold onto. My arms feel heavy without holding. My heart breaks because I've been here before. Every time I would leave. Every time missing all that i left.

The answer is now. The question is when.

I listen to sad bastard music and I relate. I watch graham paint grey on grey and I can feel the seperation that exists between dreams and the waking. I am sad that my connections and it's so fragile. It's hard to let go. I want to paint myself into my dreams with all my friends and family. I cannot sink into misery of pre-mortal post conception energy disection collection of fear for the future. I must be solid with my truth. solid with need. solid with structure that I build brick by brick and board by board... alone.

My head is pulsing with last nights drink. Dave is in the ICU with his skull split open. We have been meditating on his recovery waiting for a positive response. None comes and now I just want to sleep the pain away. Steph came down to mad-town to pick me up and I was very grateful. This is fucked up. This world is changing and I have not seen the movements. I've missed brushstrokes and spit words so conclusive without end. Head swims. mind breaks with tension. What does the world want from me now. What can I do to change? nothing. I can swallow my sad song and put my face to the sky sobbing for release. Please come back to us dave. please come back.

I am about to be rudely awake once again in the city. In the pumping heart of things. Walk walk this way to see your waking. I dream of daydreams and whispered conversations between friends and lovers and what is between? where does the sky end and the ocean begin. I'm happy to be here. I'm happy to be anywhere now that I know. It's inside. This expressionist painting before me is waiting to be tasted rainbow sherbert. I'm ready to ride. Ready to roll on down low road to history. I'm writing all these things that I hold sacred and human and real for anyone to see. I am screaming in the night hoping I won't wake up from this vision of glorious beauty but what does it mean? How can right now be any more or less important than the next? What choices will we manifest into reality?

I wake up early and cough. the blanket that I thought was keeping me all cozy and warm had fallen down to the floor. I'm on a bunk so that's about 6 ft. down. It's raining. The floor is wet. My shoes are wet. I stumble to the warehouse to find c-la sitting there. Looking like he hadn't moved since I saw him sitting there last night and he wanted to start the conversation that he didn't finish before. I'm tired. I drink some coffee (kona coffee) check the time turn on the radio turn off the radio sit stop think think think. What was I supposed to take to Z's house? A shovel, a pick, i think that's it. I pace a little. I think I put too much sugar in my coffee and i think about the fact that half way to Z's I'll have to take a piss in some weeds with the best scenery in the world wrapped around me like a huge green and blue quilt-work carbon meshed far sighted dali painting. I think about home as I hear some okie croon his love song for ol' what's her name and have a beer and forget about her boy you just round up them cattle you hear? I feel like I'm walking away from the gold rush and people passing me say i'm crazy to go but all good things come to an end and I just don't want that sort of thing yet. I look up to the cotton ball clouds over Waimea and think of snow building slowly on a cold window-sill lit up crystal glow of street-lights. So I worked, mixed some concrete, stuck some poles up and level and in line and then it was done. I had drinks with my host and payroll officer it was enjoyable. On my way back to the farm I stopped out between Waikaloa and Mana Kea looking up and away seeing as far as the clouds would let me I saw roads. Roads that curve and curl and mover through times and places none of us will know. I laugh. What good are these visions that have no meaning. and i wonder. what is not a dream.

I have to work this morning so this will be a short post. I'll revise it later.
My brother was out last week and we had some great adventures together. We did all the things I'd been wanting to do since I got here. We went to the volcano and saw an active lava flow dumping itself into the cold ocean. We went up to Mana Kea looking out over the clouds to see Maui. We stepped on British soil after paddling our kayak across Kealekekua Bay. Snorkled with the fishes see? Drank Kava on the beach and down at the cliffs. Slept at Hookeena. We had some serious talks about our relation to eachother and we bullshitted as well. We watched the fireworks from a sustainable mansion

I'm wondering why Graham hasn't written me a letter. That bastard. I'm wondering why the only two people who wrote me were my dad and Stephanie. It's sad that I didn't let myself love her when I had the chance. All is good though and I love her now. It's a short list of women that I love, but it is a list. I will always love Amanda S. she opened my eyes to the reality of relations and how some things are not meant to be. I remember her room in high school. The giant boys don't cry poster and her dark blue painted walls and ceiling looking like twilight. I was laying in her bed and I asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said no but that she loved me anyway. Then she took off for college and I later lived with her for a moment in that college town. I wrote a story in her college newspaper. Now she lives in Michigan with her baby boy. A bus trip to MI is needed.
My first Miranda will always be in my soul not for sharing the loss of my virginity but for breaking me. My high school sweetheart that I followed to Muncie. It seems like so long ago that I was asking her to come to shows with me and her wanting me to go home with her. I would walk through cold snowy nights to her dorm just to say goodnight. I woke up on a still fall morning in her bed with her telling me I had to come look at the tv. A building in NY had been hit by a plane and I wanted to go back to bed. She was much more freaked out at first until I went outside and saw two F-16's fly over. Then I lost it and figured that martial law was about to happen and maybe the revolution had started. I painted a cabin with mountains on her closet door and we talked about living there one day. It all ended for me the day that I wanted to go skate and she wanted me to stay home with her. I went outside and skated down the street so angry that she didn't want me to. The one thing that really made me happy she wanted me to give up. I know it wasn't really like that and I'm not really sure what happened in my head that day but as I was sitting on campus with my board I snapped and then I snapped my board. I slammed it against a rail and I thought that skateboarding wasn't worth the loss of my girlfriend. I went back to her house and got out my spare deck slamming it against her poarch and I was about to set it on fire when she came out so scared and upset. I didn't want to be domestic I wanted to destroy. So we ended our relationship and she told me that she had been cheating on me. I'm not sure if she actually was cheating on me but it helped me move on and find my freedom by thrusting a blade of words into my chest. And then I started drinking.
Cera is the crazy girl that I was crazy to love... crazy in love and I still am sometimes. How a girl can stomp on me several times and then ask me to come back to her boggles me. I would almost get back together with her if it wasn't for the fact that she would distract me from my goals and complicate my already confusing existence. I'll be spending time with her while I'm home and hopefully find her something to do or care about even.
Stephanie is a truly wonderful person and I'm very glad that she's in my life. She's by far the most sane girl I've had the pleasure to be with. I'm not really sure what she thinks about me or the future of things but I'm glad that she's staying in contact with me.
The love that I can't name and I can't have. At least I'm not sure being as she's one of my good friends ex-girlfriends, actually I think she's his only x and he's still super stuck on her. He'd fucking kill me if he knew how I feel about her. I'm usually all for bros befo' hoes but fuck, this girl is the most fantastic creature I've ever laid my eyes on. She is radiant and intelligent with such soft hair and warm eyes.
Holland came at the right time for me. here's a girl on her own adventure, free to do as she pleases and she wants to spend her time with me. The lines have been drawn and my leaving is now inevitable. Her eyes sparkle like moonlight on a calm ocean, she longs for my embrace and I hesitate. I want to protect her, shelter her from myself but she won't have the chance to be crushed by me in person, it will happen after I'm gone. I stopped things with her once toget my bearings and put myself in her place. She wants a love that I can't give her. but for now we can enjoy eachothers company and tell stories, share the firelight like it's the last and soon it will be. THis only happens one time or maybe three thousand.

Oh yes my friend it is that time again to find fields full of memories watch out for the waiting hesitating to speak your voice will ring true let it out lit in feel summer filling your lungs blowing your hair this is good for us to see sounds bouncing around our heads like drum dreams melodies of morning sun rain drop rythym rapping on no doors but pathways to perfection and we are the most beautiful waves crashing creating shock among the moral so beaches in our brains will wash over suburban lanes while they study losses and gains as if it actually matters. We are matter multiple madness mulling over future tenses we would tear down fences because property is theft. Where what watch out for when it happens a million voices screaming for freedom like fat raindrops on cool tin I watch as the spirit turns your pupils to tar pits recycling ancient love. You are a window without walls watching looking through to 3 dimentions makes 4 ways to walk away from infinity sun rise or set backward forwards sideways full days for fun FREEDOM is a fire cirlce with flaming eyes and minds whisper one word chewing on octopi we try to maintain but all that remains is the numb feeling in 100 mouths. You remember beyond your mind and the mana flows like fog across still water. Forever never letting go oil water seperates nothingness and EVERYTHING IS LIQUID:

no stress
no friction
no fractions
just
love and
Satisfaction

6-6-06

Last week has completly drained me. it's only lunch and i just want to go to bed. Here are some of the events that took place last week.
RU-486
Rents
no work
leaving
questions

I was just talking to Amanda the other day saying that I'd like to go to recording school. Then I get this e-mail from Al yesterday talking about this school in LA that looks really good. It seems like if I really wanted to get into the music industry that would be a great place to start. I don't know how long I could live in LA though.

so tired...

Morning Glory

This was taken at the cliffs on the farm the day after our birthday celebration. It was a glorious morning.

Tragic life altering situation narrowly averted by yours truly. Chemical changes eyes strain to see xtc but I was stressed until news came of closure. I was waiting... She was waiting. and then goodness. I was given my life back and then handed a small blue pill I swallowed it up. THe fire danced to house and we, we watched. sea breeze delight black fade recovery. It's in me! We play games with our brains bodies borders barriers breaking down to honest open eyes.

I have been shocked to near silence by a recent development. I don't know what to say other than my entire thought process has been dedicated to the problem with no solutions sets found. I feel like shit and we're supposed to be having a party tonight for Amanda and CHris it's their birthdays this week. I can't really stand it.

I'm sitting on an empty street playing songs for no one. The sun is gone it's not much fun singing to the clouds. I'm on the sidewalk in front of the Honoka'a People's Theatre. It's a crappy movie theatre they only play 2 movies 4 times a week. Low budget place terrible movies. It sucks being this weird white boy people don't even look at me. No shoes 4 paintings with no clues given what the hell would I tell them anyway "It's a conversation I had once" some young people slow down as they pass. I'm a whore and the local kids laugh riding by on shiny bicycles hoping I'll say something. Old man hobbles mumbling probably cursing me in some other language I could live a year for what this guy paid on the paintjob for his toyota. The weather report yesterday said it's going to rain and it's going to be sunny the rest of the week the same. I need a cigarette I wanna get high I've got a 40 waiting for me. band name: photographic love. I see cubes and corners callico wall and a paisley ceiling. I'm tired of this. Nothing here knows who I am. dirt.

the fingernail moon hangs low over Hamakua and I smell of beachfire goodness. We got down into the valley to find no waves and no sun. One of the wild horses came up to us looking for food. Zack decides that he wants the horse and we'll come back to get it later. I'm tired. the kava has kicked in full steam and I'm super mellowed out.

I hiked into the valley today shovel and bucket in hand. On the decent I took off my sandals for more traction. As I passed the offering stone I realized that I had brought nothing with me save some dirt in the bottom of my bucket I sprinkled some dirt and kept walking. It's a long walk back to Morgan's and you must cross the river and water canals several times. I arrived at his doorstep to be told that he was taking a nap. I walked farther and stuck my feet into the river to read my book. I'm reading three books right now. 21 Lessons of Merlin, Hawkin's A Brief History of Time, and Big Sur by Jack Kerouac. These intermingling stories wove their way through my mind as I looked up to the double waterfalls bringing life into the valley. I read for some time and enjoyed the fresh water flowing over my feet. The sky was overcast but it usually is there. After awhile I got up and collected my things and headed back to Morgan's house. He was awake and joyfully invited me in for some ono grinds. Ahi rice and some sort of veggie stuff filled me with delight it was so good. Morgan had other guests so we talked and discussed what we were about to do. On Wed. I loaded some awa (ava, kava) plants into his truck for delivery for me to plant later. We grabbed the plants and tools walking the short distance to where he planned the plants would go. We crossed a loe' (low-e i'm not sure how it's spelled, it's like a rice pattie) to a bank that looked great. Morning shade afternoon sun. We smoked and discussed the light and the dark. I mentioned everything focussing to a grey and he liked it. I told him of my dreams and my fear of moving into the valley. He told me to keep dreaming and the valley will be ready when I'm ready for the valley. It's such a humbling place to be and he really has a mystic connection to the otherworld. THe ancients still reside in that sacred valley watching and breathing life into it and into everything around all of us. The aina (I-nah, land) is always ready for eager hands to work on it. It gives and gives and as I'm standing over this new home for the awa I whisper mahalo mahalo thank you thank you Waipio (y p o) thank you for your blessings. time will answer all questions. My feet are tired but my mind is shining as I head back up the hill. It is difficult and I only stop once for water but I make it. My travels have just started.

I'm changing my mind about the rest of my life every 40 minutes. It's getting very tiring. art school living off the land start a band with my dad sailboat that short story i wrote or poems pomes avec toi late night city walks revolutionary talks guide mind missles at the man. What will I choose?
I buried a dead cow yesterday. Today I go to the rodeo. Tommorow I plant Awa in Waipio and the next day I have no idea. I can walk into a crowded room where everyone wants to talk to me and I'll feel lonely. There have been few souls that made me feel at home and none of them are here. Am I going to be some homeless wanderer for the rest of my days? Where can get get the best return on my investment. I'm feeling old, like my mind doesn't work anymore and my hearing is going just as fast. Will i ever be satisfied with who I am? IS it going to get worse? I don't even know what I want anymore. It's all a dream that seems vaugly in context to something real. I think I'm homesick without a home. I think I'm failing.

it's a blue sky night on this blue sea world. I've been offered land in heaven, and i feel like i can't say no, like it would be some truly tragic existance if i didn't go for it. I'll meet graham in cali in aug. and drive with him back to indiana where he'll drop me off for awhile. I need to be with my dad for awhile before i really take the plunge into living off the land in the valley. I'm scared as shit but that's normal for me when i'm about to do something really good for me. when i don't care is when i get into trouble. i don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail or a slave to money. I'd rather barder my labor for my food than involve any sort of profit from my actions. Although I can make money from selling organic chocolate and other food either via mail, or a horse or a sailboat. I feel like i'm finally going to invest myself in the rest of my life. Make a world nay a glorious life for myself. I said that revolution is growing your own food and now I'm starting to understand what that means. It's a lot of work, but I'll have a lot of time to work in the fields. I'm imagining a treehouse suspended above a 5 ft. miniramp on stilts of course because of the water levels. I'll learn to fish and grow rice and all the vegatables i need. There's a watermill generating electricity so I can play my electric down there no problem. I'll record my music and write odes to waterfalls. I'll surf everymorning take baths in the river at night. I'll turn myself to light... stay tuned.

most of my life I've wanted to be somewhere else. Somewhere amazing that was not where I was at that moment. I look at old pictures of myself and see myself thinking about where I am right now. Hawaii... the ocean... the fire... KAVA...

I feel like a fool tonight. Everyone below is partying and having fun and I'm worried about the gate and the farm and making sure things are secure. Zack gave us all orange tank-top shirts that say SECURITY on the back. I fall over a bench, and I hear someone chuckle because I"M SUpposed to be holding it together. I guess it's all in good sport but I don't appreciate being a mockery.
I guess I'm going to start walking down the hill because I couldn't drive up.


ha[[y mothers day




how does it feel how does it feelto be on your ownwith no direction home acommplete unkonw like a rolling stone

Amanda was updating her blog a couple nights ago and I told her that I don't really read anyone's blogs, she called me an asshole. I read Al's pretty often but mostly I just post here, read my mail, and then get off the computer. It was his birthday a couple weeks ago and I did not wish him happy birthday, in fact I never have. I guess that makes me an asshole too. So in order to try and peak into the lives of others more often I'm putting up a list of everyone's blogs. If you have one that is not on this list please e-mail me the link and I will gladly put it up.
Taylor put up a comment on the music video clip I put up saying that she's watched it 80 billion times and I should be scared. I can't tell if these messages she's sending me are to make me feel better about myself for having a gorgeous women write to me, or she's a pseudo-stalker. Either way I'm glad that she thinks about me. I really wish I knew her better. I mean I talked to her like once in person and a couple times on the phone and she says "I think I Love you." I think that's awesome.

So this week we're preparing for the big Kava party that we're having on the cliffs. We hung up tarps for rain cover and build the fire circle. Tonight is Matt's last night so we're gonna get drizzunk! I'm kindof tired so I might lay down or take a shower. Amanda is having fun except for occassional boredom, but I'm going through that too. My health has taken a dramatic turn for the worst I fear. I feel week and my face is all broken out. I generally feel like ripping my face off. I'm itchy and pathetic feeling. It doesn't seem like it's going to go away any time soon but hopefully I'll get better.

The sun is warming the right side of my face this morning as I look out to endless sea. I imagine someone in california looking this way seeing what's between us. big puffy clouds loom over the horizon and i wonder how far and large they are. i am the line that seperates mauka and makai, mountain and monstrous sea. Ripples slither my way so gentle from my view yet I know they crash with mist spray and churning delight on black rock below. I feel a trembling underfoot and think of Pele but realize that the beast is not the earth spewing goddess but just this dirty dog belly. I skratch my hairy face dry skin salt lick from sweat. I smoke away my failure to quit.
It's still early and I'm the only one out of bed. soon the warehouse will be busy with breakfast smells and public radio news, waiting for the bathroom. sunday brings few plans and little action sofar, perhaps i'll go to the cliffs. at the end of the gully stands a good 40 ft. drop to the crashing waves below. For some fucked reason the locals that were last down there cut out rope ladder. i will have to free climb down to get it and i'm not looking forward to it. I hear movement and maybe I can get the troops to venture with me.
Sharp spear and I get near the leaving. We gather our tools for fishy murder, snorkel and mask. So into the jeep we bump our way down to the cliffs. Once we limbo under the fence line it's into the gully climbing down large roots and rocks of all sizes. you'll notice the water marks tracing there way to the ocean. since the ladder had been cut we threw a rope down the cliff and climbed down. We all got out onto this big rock where tubloads of water rained down on us. We laugh so hard because the water pushes us around with it's force. We stayed for quite some time cheering for big waves until they started getting bigger. They were already good 10 ft. waves and the big ones were coming in at least 15 ft. We scrambled back up the cliff before they got too big and swallowed us whole into the whitewash below. Topside was sun and rock climbing and a nap. I took some pictures and video of pools and a rock sculpture I made.