THis will be my last post for awhile. I miss all of you all the time. Everyone think about my amazing friend Dave and help us get him back...


Thanks. Katherine.

Aloha

madtucky is draining my soul. I've got a fucked shoe and I'm going to retire my board here at the skateshop. nothings going on.
go see grandma today. I'm leaving here tommorow. Be in the natti for 3 days.


arggg...

Sometimes I feel like i'm being stretched forward in time to some sort of event horizon that seems untouchable. Like i'm there already but i have to wait for my body to catch up. In the quantum world, i am at the event and here now and dead and alive and non-existant until i am recognized in time-space by an outside observer.


These letters do not exist until you look at them.


I am reading "Schrodinger's Kittens and the Search for Reality: Solving the Quantum Mysteries" by John Gribbin and I am enjoying it quite a bit. It is taking what I learned from "A Brief History of Time" Hawking and breaking it down further into the physicists and thier theories and what they showed us about the universe. Light is so damn fascinating.

I talked to Holland yesterday for quite some time. She always has some adventure or situation to tell me about. I on the other hand am troubled by being in Madison and want to leave immediatly. I guess I have to go see my grandma today before she gets too upset with me. I have yet to stop by or call her. I had dinner with my mom last night and a short conversation about how being here makes me angry and brings back all the old self-doubt I carried for so long. I reacted to the negativity and intolerance of this place by getting the fuck out and that's what i always want, to be away from here.
For my entire existence in Madison it seemed like someone was always ready and willing to tell me that I was wrong. That I couldn't do it. That I was a 'fag.' Well FUCK YOU and your redneck backwards ass town. I'll leave you to create your own misery and you can wallow in it. You seem surprised that your life is meaningless. You destroy yourself with a smile everytime you exude hate. You and your crack-whores can laugh at me until your teeth fall out of your head. You will know pain when your children hate you for who you are. You will suffer when they leave with ideas you mistreated them for. You will die a thousand deaths when no one is there to watch you. That time after gym class when you spit on me and threw me in the trash, i did not cry, i did not fight, i walked away. You did that terrible thing and it will come back to you. I will not manifest the hate that you poured on my head in the form of white milk. I will not raze the foundations of your cause because you are the fire that will bring it down. you are the hate that will destroy.

Nov. 1st 6:46 AM

I called the farm twice tonight. The first time Holland was drinking margaritas and then much later she had gone camping somewhere. I was standing outside of a gay bar trying to get my bros out of the place. It started out late, we got to the bar at like 1AM, but KO assured me that there would be 'hot chicks'. As I wandered around the place I saw lots of gay men, lesbians, trannies, straight girls who only hang out with gay men, cross-dressers, and then us 4 straight dudes. One of our party dances with this girl in tight leather corset of sorts and I swear that it's a dude until she talks to her 'girlfriend' about the straight dude trying to dance with her. They laugh. I consider crying right there. The drag show was interesting but only mildly entertaining. After that the crowd thinned out yet we still hung out for another hour. Many rounds of me asking if we could leave later, we finally get out. The crew votes to go to the 'porn shop''peep show' and I vote to sit in the car. I listen to the rain and tried to image Holland's voice.
Of all the fucking places in the world for some straight white dudes from indiana to go these two are the last two on the list of 'places to hook-up with chicks'. They must not want to try or something because it was dumb. I felt bad that these guys have absolutely no idea how to pick up women. They're screwed from the start going to these spots. I was upset and just sat in the car for a long time imagining getting off the plane and landing in Holland's breast.

The plan started for a glorious adventure to the city. We had been couped up in houses and factories too long to hold what we had boiling within us. Thirsty for a drink or a firm handshake and a smile. Finding friends in much comfort we rejoice. What's the plan, what's going on? "A party man, a major mansion party." So we flew. Entering quietly we slolwy merge with the booze soaked crowd. I saw a familiar face and a few faces that shouldn't have been familiar but felt like it anyway. I explore forth through the halls and through half open doors with light beyond. I hop into a closet where I find cave dwellers in the midst of smoking. "You're a tall drink..." and she replies, "You like it." Joining the ritual I gain much comfort. Then we spill out back through the feux bloody scene crisp with rock&roll blues guitar riffs pulsing through the house. Outside was fireside and many interesting words were heard by my ears. I'm wrangled into a conversation about digital encounters and what they mean. I trail off into my own thoughts. I smile to myself feeling sunshine when I speak her name. Waiting for my first warm day. My first warm kiss and Loving arms wrapped tight. But I mingle mangle my words. Witness and attest to ridiculousness. Far flung feeling felt out funky style free form fatty fillers time killers karate kick the kapital kat attack get back Kaledescope. I pound the piano guts and make riddums. All sounds one voice. Crazy face displaced from my home where the sky meets the sea.

I wake up and my first thought is "I'm in fucking Hawaii!" Coffee and a cigarette as people slowly wake up and wander into the werehouse. My lungs feel dramatically better and I take deep breaths of clean morning air. Finding my place on the farm came easily but I still felt reserved. These people have no idea who I am or what it took for me to get to the farm. I work hard and they seem to enjoy my prescence. I try to start a conversation with elise about her life on the mainland but she brushes it off. I want to talk to them all about how ridiculously connected we are. Looking around I search the ceiling and walls trying to find a well-defined corner for my cube philosophy but can't find one so I grab a ball jar. Half water, Half olive oil and I set it on the table. Dean walks by and it catches his eye.
"What's that?"
"Oil and water."
"What's it for?" Dea chimes in.
I feel like I've sparked some interest now so I gather more people shaking the jar and holding it out for contemplation. Just when I feel like I have everyone's attention I say, "What seperates the oil and water?"
Someone says, "Air?"
"We'd be able to see the air."
"What is it then?"
"Nothingness, there's space between the molecules that seperate the oil from the water. They are not soluable into eachother. This is what I was saying the other day, all of you are part of me and I part of you. When I said that I came out here because of you I meant it. This reality does not exist without us experiencing it. We are the oil and water of the farm."
I think Elise was at least slightly interested in my philosophy so I try to pull her into a conversation over beers.
"So Elise, what brought you to the farm?"
"I found it in the woofer magazine."
"What did you expect when you got here?"
"What did YOU expect?"
"I figured I would meet some interesting people and enjoy the great weather." It had been raining all afternoon. "Do you think you'll leave the island?"
"Yeah."
"You're not much for conversation are you?"
"Maybe you're not asking the right questions." She got up and walked out into the rain as I sat there startled.

Sarah was the last person from the original crew that I actually tried to talk to. She was beuatiful and quiet, which intimidated me. What does that pretty head hold inside. While Tai was busy drooling over her, I imagined what she thought of him. I was quites sure that Sarah was already tired of having boys approch her because of her looks. Some beautiful girls have brains and want to be treated so. I try a different approach.
"Sarah, what do you think of String Theory?"
"I'm not very into quantum mechanics but the theory is interesting. Your oil and water thing is cool, what made you come up with that?" Yes, I thought to myself, finally some juicy conversation.
"Think of two people making love... they are as close together as physically possible yet are still seperate."
"What's the importance of that, it sounds pretty unromantic."
"It is sortof, I mean, one person can only know so much about another. I can't read your mind or see myself from your perspective, we will always be seperate. That's great for the individual but it makes union brief and superficial. We can be as similar and together as the jar but will always be seperate like the oil and water."
"Why these thoughts, what lead you to this?"
"I've always wanted to know what people really think of me. I want to look at myslef through someone else's eyes. I've always thought that my personality and reality are the culmination of the people and experiences that I've shared myself with. By learning about you I can know myself better. We are refractions of eachother."
"I guess it's more romantic than I thought."

I'm sitting in graham's apartment and it's 4:20 AM... no smoke. I'm listening to Mirah and I'm excited to listen to this album while I go to sleep. I skated down here from Fairview so it's downhill the whole way. A cop stopped me and told me that one of his cop buddies would give me a ticket for being out skating so he followed me for awhile and then went on his way. I saw probably 8 cars and 4 of them were cops. I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore.

"make it hot, take me over and over and over..."

I wanted to come here so I could sleep in my sleeping bag. Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night and I smell incense I think I'm in Hawaii and if I turn over I can put my arms around Holland. I remember one night we went camping on this 'beach' which was once a railroad depot. It was a strange spot but we kissed and played together most of the night. Her hair brushing my face and a subtle moan as she pushes herself into me. I'm missing her so fucking much.

Good Night my lover 5,000 miles away.

So I went to the party in Dayton last night and had a great time, while it lasted. We got there early (around 9PM) and hardly any cars were there. I was worried that the cold was going to make people stay at home. The drive-in was equiped with radio ready outputs so each stage had it's own station. The first few hours we walked around and checked out the stages and then I hung out with some friends from IN who were hilarious. We smoked and then smoked some more sitting in the warm car. Amanda had a happyfriend for me but I was waiting to see if people were really going to show up. Some people that were driving from Layfeyette showed up around midnight and I was ready to drop so I ate my friend and sat next to the fire. The temp difference between the fire and the air was exilerating. I got inside the party tent and as I was watching this dj I got hit in the face with feeling. The bass in the tent was weak so I went back out to fire and sat in front of the screen watching colors swirl and twist to fat beats and mad breaks. I had this dude sit down next to me who was certainly enjoying himself and I look over at him and I tell him that no blade of grass is perfect yet we never comment on it's imperfection. No one ever says that a blade of grass is too fat or ugly or sinful or dry for that matter. I told him that we are all blades of grass and that we are all perfect. His pupils exploded in front of me and he smiled in understanding. At that moment the music stopped and the guy said something to me but I look at him and say. "dude, the cops just shut down the show." he had no idea what I said and I repeated, "the party is over man, we have to leave."
I found my way back to Amanda's jeep and cursed to myself in the cold. Raver scramble and I get asked if I live nearby. I think for a moment if anyone in cincy would enjoy several fucked up party kids showing up at there house at 4AM and decide that there's no way I can do anything but go home and try to get to sleep. On the drive home a bus on the other side of interstate flashed it's blue, green and red strip lights and I was boggled. Why would they randomly hit the lights and then turn them off after they passed us. Was it us? Did the record they were listening to drop? It was hilarious. I squirmed in my seat and listened to the great music Amanda was throwing down, and I chain smoked.
When I got to Jill's they showed up right behind us drunk and I had no interest intereacting with them so I just laid down on the floor hoping someone might walk by and kick me or rub my head. No luck and I passed out.

I worked today with sore eyes and tired legs. It passes quickly though so I didn't complain. A good day actually.

An earthquake rocked Hawaii and took out power for most of the island. I called the farm to hear the news in person but no-one answered. No real injuries were reported so I'm sure everyone is fine. Pretty crazy though. I would have freaked the fuck out. I felt an earthquake when I was out there and it couldn't have even been a 1 on the scale, the one today was a 6.6.

Much Love to you all. Enjoy!

Last night I finally got to hang out with my old flat-mate Nick Disco... We got two pitchers of Sierra Nevada and a couple Jeiger shots so I got pretty drunk. We had great conversation and enjoyed seeing eachother quite a bit.

Today is Fri. the 13th and it's Madalicious' birthday, Woo!! We might be going to Southgate to see the Clifton crews art/rock show. I'd like to go but I guess it's 21&up so we may not be able to.

That's alright though because we're headed to Dayton tommorow for a dance party at a drive-in theatre. I'm stoked!

Two news stories today. One is hilarious and one is shocking...

A british reporter was probably fired upon and killed brutally by American forces in Iraq. This just shows how indiscriminate our troops are and we need to get these guys out of the desert. Their brains are getting fried out there when they shot at a marked ambulance.
Inquest into injustice by US troops

On a lighter note Canadian troops in Afganistan found a ganja forest that is causing them some trouble. I love the quote, "Three years ago I wouldn't believe I'd say 'that damned marijuana!'"

Marijuana Forest

Yeah so I got pretty drunk last night at an impromtu raging party after the Tall Stacks shows. We hung out late and Joel whom I have not seen in a long time saw me at the show so he kicked it in clifton with us.
THis morning I woke up feeling pretty rough but I saw the sunshine I decided I had to go skate. Joel's board was out past Mt. Healthy so we had to find a ride. Shea wanted to go skate anyway so we went to his apartment and I told him about the pool. One day at work I canvassed this apt. complex with a 9 ft. pool in the center of it. I knew we would get kicked out but I figured it was worth the effort even to skate for a little while. Hopped the fence and jumped down into it. There was a small amount of water in the middle which sucked but I just went around it. I got up to the light. We had a blast and then a cop showed up. He just told us to leave and we did.
Back to CLifton we bombed through UC hittin the ledges and gaps on the way down. Joel ollied over a fire hydrant. After that we went to the studio and skated the mini. A long day of skated had me passed out on the floor for awhile this evening until I woke up to go back down to Tall Stacks for BUDDY GUY and the DR JOHN!!!!!
Fucking sweet!

I'm sober now and very very tired.

I talked to Morgan today and he said he hasn't been working in the valley so he's really excited about seeing me and having work for me.

I'm missing Holland more and more. I kept thinking about her every time I saw a twirling dress, curly blonde hair. Every one dancing made me want to be dancing with her. I'm having fun though. Keeping it real. I feel like this is vacation before the real work starts. I'm mailing my stuff out there soon and since I will not have e-access I will post the address as that will be the ONLY way to contact me for quite some time. This ones for keeps.

We woke up late this morning and had to go out to Anderson. We left the house about an hour before the first band I really wanted to see 'the heartless bastards' We went out to pick up Jill's dad's dogs and take them to the kennel which seemed a lot like jail to me. It was creepy.
We get downtown and I run to the entrance. The band was raging and the sun was out. What a great day to be outside. After the bastards finished their set we went back out to the parking lot to get my tall boys. Back in we went to the Neusole setup to watch some glassblowing.

The moon came out as the music kicked in and I saw old crow medicine show and then Wilco. It was fucking great. Werd.

Holy Fuck!!! I just skated sooooo much really drunk on whiskey. Bombing hills all the way I found a hill that did not exist when I was here before. It's like frat row so the first time I cruised down some guys yelled at me. Then I started walking back up and no-one said shit to me. The second time was a bigger rush than the first. it was caraaazzzzzyyy! It pumped me up so much just carving and scraping the ground with my hand flying at 30mph. The third time I pushed hard at the top of the hill and just went so fucking fast. I cruised 2 blocks at the bottom just from the downhill. I've had like 7 shots of whiskey. And then I bombed clifton which is like a mile long and a 400ft. drop. you do the math. Carving across 4 lanes getting close to cars I felt like my hair was on fire.
So now I'm at Jill and Sur's and Sur has several spanish speaking friends over so I'm outside the loop. It's awesome though. I love hearing different languages. They're ordering from this pizza place right now but no-one knew the number so I looked it up online faster than Sur could find the phone book. Thanks Internet!

i got off work around 9pm and I owed this guy Steven from work a whiskey shot so that was my first two. he was looking for some herbal refreshments so I took him to the fairview house where I knew we would not be turned away unsatisfied. I call Graham to get him to meet me there (this was at 9:15) he said he was on his way. So we chill and play geometry wars...


It's fucking sweet! Old school meets new school in the freshest way possible.


Anyway... I'm chillin' and other people show up like this guy Luke. Luke used to be this singer in this band called The Terrors. When I was in Hawaii and I missed cincinnati I threw in the DVD directed by my friend Graham's friend Ben. I've hung out with him a few times but I don't really know him. So tonight I meet the guy that created the music that I listened to AND watched on an island in the south pacific. I told him this information and he thought it was so fucking cool he handed me a bottle of green Jank Daniels. Why green? Because it was made in St. Louis and was $5 cheaper. My pepsi challenge could not tell a difference. At around 10:30 Graham shows up and proceeds to talk loudly and drink in the kitchen. The show that we were supposed to go to at Southgate House ended at 11 so I just didn't even see a point in going to KY. We walk out to Graham's car and I say that I don't want to go to the SG House. he looks upset and I just skate away. Stratford Heights, Clifton, UDF for beer (6_pack of Steel Reserve) and now I'm here and I havn't even checked my e-mail. yet.

So I'm going to this crazy DJ party at a Drive-Inn theatre in Dayton. I'm pumped because Shakewell is coming to pick me and Maddy B. up on sat. and RAGE it! Woo... I'm actually so fucking stoked. Crazy house and a screen full of ridiculousness, two HI connections, it's like a reunion.

Big Island Love!!

Thur. morning. tired. wierd mood.


Since I've been working with a political group I've been analyzing my stance on politics and activism in general. I had this great conversation with one of my co-workers who asked me if I was a 'green anarchist' or 'anti-civ' now I have never heard either of those terms before but I new exactly what he was saying. I've been cruising around the net while I upload some new pictures checking out what this anti-civ thing is all about. It's interesting. I've not read much of their propaganda yet but I will.
One of the guys at work asks us to look at a petition he had. It proclaimed that sex-crime would go down if only we could shut down 'sex-shops and strip-clubs' between the hours of midnight and 6 in the morning. I said bullshit and no one disagreed with me. I say people should have the freedom to buy a dildo at 2 o'clock in the morning, or even go pay to see some tits at 3 in the morning.
Speaking of restriction of freedom, New York wants to ban trans-fat in restaraunts in the city. What the fuck? Are people that stupid that we have to tell them what food is bad for them and keep it away from them? This type of legislation is outrageous. New York, your city is telling you to take a walk, maybe you should.

I saw the most disturbing thing ever the other day out on turf. Actually this article explains it much better than I can. It's so creepy.

So yeah... I've been thinking about political struggle. I just don't think it's worth it really. I'm getting paid to ask people to go vote and I don't even care about voting myself. Well, they are trying to raise the minimum wage from 5.15 to 6.25 which would be great if enough people go vote for it. I want it for them I guess. I think that's why people are activists, they want to do something good for the people who don't know. It makes them feel good that they know something that can really change what's going on and they want to spread it. Missionaries are sort of like activists and I don't think that's a good thing.
the point:
If people want to destroy themselves than I say let 'em do it. As long as they do not infringe on my human rights they can be as fucking stupid as they want. I think it sucks that they're destroying the earth but as history shows the mother outlasts all the pathetic little creatures that spawn themselves here.

This picture was taken very close to where I will be building my house. I've been trying to explain to people what this place means to me and I almost cannot. This is a place to step back into time. A place where food and needs are held high and the people feel the power of the valley.

For the past 6 years since I left my hometown I've been searching. I was searching for myself in the faces of all the people I met and spoke honestly with. These people gave themselves to me and I to them. I've met drunks, druggies, hippies, suits, lovers, bullies, fakes, revolutionaries, teachers, students and I've loved them all. They were all my teachers teaching me who I would like to be and whom I am today. Are these the same? Not right now because I'm about to go to an interview with a fundraising campain for a major Labor union. That's not who I want to be, although I know several people who really enjoy the political struggle. I say fuck 'em. It's exploitation in the most disgusting way. Give me your power and I'll make decisions for you. By the way I'll make a lot of money off of you the whole time. So what's my point?
I have dug my toes in the furtile earth and fallen in love. I was joyful and exhuberant and healthy. These are the things that I want to manifest. This is a life worth living.
So now I must suck it up and get a job which pays money so that hopefully I can loose the hold of the dollar on my life.

I've never been more confident in myself. I know that I'll be back out to Hawaii before years end. My friend who lives in the valley has been looking for a student and I've been looking for the teacher that will teach the lesson I want to hear. I have another teacher out there and she will teach me everyday what Love is. I miss her very much. Being away from her is painful in fact. I look outside at the wet cold street and I want to cry.

But I've got a warm cup of Kona coffee. Cheers!

I can't get the valley out of my mind. Not that i'm trying but it's the first thing I think about every morning. It makes me want to be productive, it drives me to make money which is strange. I've decided to be super hardcore when I get back. I'll eat poi and fish that I caught everyday if I have to. I don't want to touch money anymore. I don't want to think about it. I will labor for everything that I needand anything I could want. I have to figure out how to make beer.
I can't stop thinking about Holland. How much I want her to be in my arms. How much I want kiss her face. How much I want to see her smile. Hear her laugh.

I need to get out of the city. It's frying my brain. I have soooo much work to do to be able to get to Hawaii before she leaves for Virginia. I'm pretty sure I'll get my train ticket and bus ticket in two weeks when I get paid. Maybe I should buy my plane ticket first. Stay busy. Stay busy. I'm off to work.

Love Aloha

Not much has been going on... I've been getting drunk with the locals, really drunk, not writing as much as I should (i'm down to about a page every 3 days) smoking too many cigarettes, working... I'm working at the glass studio again sortof. I'm actually gutting this house that John bought that's right behind the studio. He wants to buy the whole block and tear it down. Crackheads.
I've come to terms with the fact that I may have a girlfriend. I didn't really ask her or anything and she is 1/4 of the way around the world. I want her to be my girlfriend and I've started calling her my girlfriend to my friends, everyone laughs. They think I'm still the 'ol slut I used to be. No longer girls of cincinnati will you lure me into your web. I'll have none of it. Things are less confusing this way and I don't have to worry about anything exept what I need to be doing for myself. I have no restrictions yet I have no desire to 'hook up'. I really just want to be with Holland. She's just so damned awesome. The only thing I really need is to spend time with my friends while I'm around, and get money together for my trip. I'm stopping in Lake Tahoe this time to see my friend Nick.
I miss everyone all the time. Send me e-mail love and without fail I will return with words of my choosing.

Yesterday I woke up on a different couch in some different house on some strange street and actually I don't even remember. I had a dream that several people had gathered next to a river. It seemed like there were people swimming in the river but i'm not sure. The gathered ones were either celebrating or mourning. There was a raft with many different woods laid on it. I placed ironwood branches and they pushed it into the river, setting it on fire.

The Magic Numbers, SOnic Youth, The Flaming Lips on stage in Columbus, my friend got us tickets. We leave the natti late and about 20 minutes out of town we are stopped on the interstate next to an exit. DO we wait or try the back roads? Some cell phone calls to the other car that was driving up with us and we decide that country roads will take us there. We're driving along and I'm looking at the map trying to figure out the best way to either get to Columbus or get back to the interstate. Lots of flashing lights ahead and we think it's a police checkpoint. Our not so sober driver has been drinking whiskey while she's driving so the car erupts with near panic. Then an officer with a flashlight instructs us to turn around with his light so we do so gladly. 30 minutes later we finally find our way back to the interstate. It's 9:15 and the show started at 8. I figure Sonic Youth is going on stage about the time we get back on the road. We get to Columbus and drive past the venue twice before realizing where it was. From the parking lot we hear the flaming lips start their first song, the audience cheers.
As we're walking into the venue I pass this blonde dready girl that reminds me of Holland. I see her in my mind smiling and holding my hand, singing. "Would you make everybody poor just so you could be rich, would you do it?" I scream NO! as the rest of the audience plays along and sings yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. The lights and video playing behind Wayne's head is intoxicating enough as my two inebriated friends continue to down beers. Wayne says, "Some people in the crowd have some tragedy or something terrible going on in there lives and they came out tonight to see your smiling faces so thank you for that." The audience poured out joy as he starts 'do you realize' I cried. I cried for Dave and the tribe. I cried for myself. I cried because Holland has the most beautiful face. The rain started and these amazing big raindrops splashed on my face. I lifted my head and spread out my arms the song reached it's climax and I felt spiritual release. I stopped thinking and just felt everything, a man on stage in a skeleton suit wears giant hands giving wayne a hug, it was subliminal. Fanatical even.

The heard of wet hair and running make-up stumbled it's way past us as I held Steph up off the ground. We waited there for our friends to find where us but they didn't show so we join the drunken mob. Steph actually slides through slots in people and we cover some distance being more agile than the rest. She tells me that she has to piss so she splits off and I am alone. This guy in front of me says, "Man if it's going to be that kind of party I'm sticking my dick in the mashed potatos!" I lean over into there group of three guys and I say, "I've got some in the car, but I brought it for Wayne." They laugh their asses off first because it was funny and then because it was more funny that some random guy joined in their conversation.

Waiting on these stairs to see Steph walking by, I notice this blonde girl looking at me with the strangest look on her face. She had this vauge look of recognition hazed over by bong rips and heavy nights of Vodka drinking. She stares and I start to stare back at her. "Do I know you," she says as she pulls her boyfriend over to the stairs. "I don't think so." The guys says,"No, we met you at a show." Now this girl is giving me this look like I was involved in some sort of group sex with her and possibly with her joe smoe. "I havn't been to a rock show in five years," that's true the last headlining act I saw was System of a Down in 2001. She's still giving me that look when I say, "look i've been in Hawaii but you know what I love you both ok?" They walk away and I smile. Then I do recognize a face in the crowd and it's my O.G. Dave H. of the sacred Manor. He sees me first and starts freaking out. "DUDE.. what are you doing here?" "Uh.. seeing this rock band the flaming lips" "I know but I thought you were in Hawaii how long have you been back?" "about a week." we talked for a moment when Steph comes up and she recognizes Dave's housemates, apparently they hit a cop car in Dayton one night and she gave them a ride back to the natti and dropped them off where I once lived. Long Live the Manor! Steph and I walk to the car and there's no sign of Jo. I'm still slightly propping steph up with my arm and we wait. We call jo. she doesn't know where she is. Then a security guys calls us and he says "Yeah, my name's ______ ____ and I'm with your friend here, she seems to be a little intoxicated." "That's the one we're looking for." He tells me he'll bring her to where we are. Obviously this girl he just picked up is not driving so he looks and me stearnly and asks who's driving. "I am dude, I'm sober." That was also true.
I had a rough time getting out of Columbus because I just had to guess which way to go and I somehow got onto the interstate towards the natti. We got back around 2am and the girls crashed. I stayed up talking to E.d for a while until I went to sleep. I had a dream that I was in some muscle car and my dad and I were racing each other around Madison just tearing up the streets.

I was at the studio today talking to john and just bullshiting when we starting talking about the farm and the ocean and everything that goes with my experience in Hawaii. He asked about the water and I told him about the first time I went to two-step. There are these natural step downs cut in the rock that lead into 6 ft. of crisp salt water. Immediatly you are thrust into another world where you are the alien and the natives don't seem to mind you so much. snorkel alien like across and into the mirror divide. I would wake up every morning looking out on the blue expanse thinking or even saying aloud: goddamn that's the biggest thing I've ever seen! We enjoyed our talk and I came away from the conversation thinking about living in a refraction of reality. Just a small light from the world shining out to the pacific. The lighhouse so far away.

I've been spending time with Steph and having some crucial conversations. I am in love with this girl but can't follow through. I'm just sad that I can't totally throw myself into life with her and not worry about the fact that I am going to leave. I always leave. I've been thinking about that a lot too and how I'm fucking ready to build something that's going to last. Something that is mine and mine alone. I just can't be involved. I can't forget my dream and I can't let go of what I need. I have to live this life for me and I know from the past that I will give up whatever it is that I think I want for a girl. I can't think about love. It usually just fucks me up. I get distracted. Where will this path lead and what forks will I find. What the fuck am I doing in this town. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm on vacation at home. Like those kids in high school that skipped school just to sit in their rooms and smoke weed. What the fuck... what the fuck. Would it hurt more to love and leave or not love and feel the loss. I feel lost and loosing what I should hold onto. My arms feel heavy without holding. My heart breaks because I've been here before. Every time I would leave. Every time missing all that i left.

The answer is now. The question is when.

I listen to sad bastard music and I relate. I watch graham paint grey on grey and I can feel the seperation that exists between dreams and the waking. I am sad that my connections and it's so fragile. It's hard to let go. I want to paint myself into my dreams with all my friends and family. I cannot sink into misery of pre-mortal post conception energy disection collection of fear for the future. I must be solid with my truth. solid with need. solid with structure that I build brick by brick and board by board... alone.

My head is pulsing with last nights drink. Dave is in the ICU with his skull split open. We have been meditating on his recovery waiting for a positive response. None comes and now I just want to sleep the pain away. Steph came down to mad-town to pick me up and I was very grateful. This is fucked up. This world is changing and I have not seen the movements. I've missed brushstrokes and spit words so conclusive without end. Head swims. mind breaks with tension. What does the world want from me now. What can I do to change? nothing. I can swallow my sad song and put my face to the sky sobbing for release. Please come back to us dave. please come back.